Growing a Backbone, No More Cake Eating

[lovethehub]

He may be testing your boundary, he may be showing he isn't going to end it. It's so hard to say but you need to LRT.

Don't file the D unless that is what you really want to do. I think you should take some time before making that move.

And yes, you can recover from an A, it was hard work but my H and I have recovered from mine.

[AnotherStander]

I'm not sure what that looks like. Proceeding with the divorce?

Or just going hard core no contact and giving him more time? And working on me during that time?

If there is any question in your mind about D (and it sounds like there is), then don't push for it. You will never lose when you work on you, so that is a definite "yes".

And even if he does end it with OW I'm starting to have a lot of anxiety about recovering from the affair and saving the marriage. Can it really be done??

It can definitely be done, I've seen countless threads on this forum in which reconciliations happened after affairs. Is it easy? Not at all. LBS's spend so much energy trying to save the M that they never stop to think about what kind of spouse they're getting back. Then if the WAS does come back, they start to realize that they're not dealing with their old spouse anymore, they're dealing with a lying cheater. It's a long, hard road rebuilding respect after something like that.

[sthelen]

The divorce was filed in May by him at the insistence of OW. So, I would not need to file. We told our attorneys in November to put the brakes on the divorce. They are expecting an update this week as to how to proceed.

Since I last posted H has ended his affair with OW and they've been no contact for several days. We've been to another therapy session together.

So now we just wait and see if he can truly stay away from her. The therapist has warned pretty strongly that he's extremely vulnerable to her and has to maintain 100% no contact.

[JayMan]

Yes, 100% no contact. Ever again. Not even when upset with you.

[sthelen]

I just drove by his apartment and she is there. I don't know what to do anymore.

Quit?

He obviously can't stay away from her.

[MrBond]

Has he promised no contact? What steps has your MC recommended he take to maintain no contact?

[Starsky309]

Has he promised no contact? What steps has your MC recommended he take to maintain no contact?

This ^^^. Look up "infidelity transparency no contact" and do some research on transparency plans -- what they should entail, how to insist on one, etc.

Affairs are HIGHLY addictive (the altered brain chemicals even show up on CAT scans!), and you're never going to get anywhere until you separate the addict from the source of his addiction.


Starsky

[3boymom]

I dont have any advice, but I just wanted to tell you that I am thinking about you and so sorry that your H is putting you through this pain. I know how hard it must have been to see her there. HUGS!!

[sthelen]

He promised no contact half heartedly in therapy last Tuesday.

He is absolutely addicted. He said he feels like an alcoholic.

We don't have any sort of plan, I'll google that.

Our therapist has strongly suggested he attend SLAA meetings but he hasn't done that yet. She also suggested he block her number. He hasn't done that either.

[sthelen]

Are they still addictive 14 months after they start? Seems like it would have worn off by now.