@melissa, @pud - thanks for the encouragement. Man, I feel like an old wise guy now. Maybe it's being out of the emotional pursuit, but I'm doing great. I used to get mad, frustrated, upset, panicky - now, I still have feelings, but I might just get a little sad or hurt, but I move on.
@Wonka - the thing that I think is interesting and I was not prepared for is that the journey AFTER R is so long and hard. I know a bunch of vets warned me, especially NTX. I keep reminding myself that I've been on this path since late June, with an earnest desire to better myself, and W just really started maybe 3 weeks ago.
Debating moving to Piecing; get out of the way of new folks, and maybe see if some peeps over there can tell me what to think!
So there is a lot of emotional toil going on under the surface, because I believe many WAW that have As work so hard to justify themselves that, when they have to face the brutal truth, it stinks. Also, you've spent many months working on yourself, and I know my W has feelings of inadequacy because I've become the "spouse only a fool would leave" - while she's a cheater who has emotional issues, blew a bunch of money, acted like a fool in front of all of our friends and so on.
I can only speak for myself but as a 'cheater' I don't believe I justified myself specifically because I was cheating. I think many of us get in the habit of justifying our actions and our words for many, many reasons. I know that justifying myself prevented my M from healing faster, but as I said, cheating wasn't the reason I was justifying. I would have done so if I had screamed obscenities at him for months, started drinking heavily, etc. I find it frustrating to read, in story after story, that the 'cheater' should be ashamed, needs to justify their actions, etc. Why does the LBS feel the person having the A is so out of line when the LBS chose to ignore that persons feelings for however many years it took for them to be so fed up an A seemed justified?
You also don't appear to have a very high opinion of your W.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
If anyone thinks an A is justified, for any reason, in any way, they are MESSED UP. End of that discussion. Even my W says it was the most awful, messed up, inexcusable thing ever. She said it only happened because she felt like she had no worth left in her, so it didn't matter.
In her own words, "I was a momentary whore". So talk to the W about that.
I am not saying that an A is justified. I am saying I don't understand why someone can ignore their spouses needs, wants and/or feelings for some many years that the person feels they have no other way to save themselves and then that same person thinks their actions are better than that of the 'cheater'.
My point is that neither behavior is justified and neither person is better/worse than the other.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
I'm sorry, but I say BS. No matter how furious I was with W, I would never have talked to another woman, let alone had sex with them. An argument is COMPLETELY different from willingly spreading your legs for someone else.
This isn't the first time you've made the "spreading her/your legs" comment. It is a reflection of your own deep-seated anger towards W and it is coming across as misogynistic. You might want to recognize this pattern and work through it. By making this type of comment, you are making EAs/PAs far too simplistic in distilling all of of the complex emotions into "spreading her legs." It is quite offensive and sexist. And you display utter and complete disdain toward your W with this comment.
No. I'm sorry, but an affair crosses all lines and boundaries, whatever gender it is perpetrating it. I'm not saying it's not something you can recover from, but to try to equate that to saying "unkind words" is the worst sort of stupidity.
I believe my W completely regrets it. She wishes it had never happened, she said thinking about it makes her want to vomit, and she described it as the lowest point in her life. Because, that's truly what an A is, no matter how you try to sling it. I respect my W for admitting that she was, in that moment, a self-described "whore", and she doesn't try to make any fake excuses for it, because there are none.
I still reiterate that saying "spreading her legs" is quite crass and you need to look within yourself as to why you felt the need to make such crass comments about your own W.
It is crass, but honest. Stop putting your W/H on a pedestal, and understand that they are so messed up spiritually/sexually/emotionally that they would willingly break marriage vows just because they "felt like it".
What regrets do you have for your behavior that led to this A? While it was ultimately her choice, do not for one minute believe that you did not play a role in that choice. Treating your spouse horribly for years also crosses the boundaries. We can respectfully agree to disagree on this one.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
