melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

[melissag]

Melissa, my version of letting go just means being. Not looking at the train wreck your H is causing, but focusing on your day to day operations with the kids (including a 6th trip to see Frozen?) and ruminating on the possibilities for YOU.

I'm really not being a wise guy here, but what percent of the time? I do this for the most part (it's all relative - 3 months ago I could think of nothing else, could barely eat or sleep), but to get to 100% or even 90% or 80% seems way far off.

What does 2014 look like for Melissa? Let's pretend for a a few moments that you weren't worrying about your H. What would you be mulling or doing? Then just go do it!

This is where my work is right here. I haven't even thought about what I want to do for years. I mean, I did things I wanted to do, but they were all things like, "plan a vacation for the family," or "shop for clothes for my kids." I'm not saying I regret doing things for my family; but I see now that it was damaging to me personally and my M (and, if it had continued, likely would be for my kids too - hoping I can turn that around) to completely give up my own needs (or even acknowledge that I had any).

So now, I do a lot of things to take care of and nurture myself. I do yoga, kickboxing, running, I train in Tae Kwon Do. I spend time with my friends, go out for drinks every so often, shop, get mani/pedis, meet old friends for lunch, read, and (most fun) spend quality time with my kiddos.

Yet . . . none of these things fill the void left by my H. And maybe I shouldn't expect them to. Yet. I will say it helps a LOT. First, because I feel better about myself, healthier and more productive. And second, because it gives me something to focus on aside from the mess the rest of my life is.

I really do think that I have dropped the vast majority of my controlling tendencies. It was actually much easier than I expected (I think because it was more a learned habit for me than anything else), and it does feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

UD, I love your story about your D's volleyball and how you and H came together to support her. I hope that H and I can do the same for our kids. I think we can. We also train TKD together as a family, and I hope that we can continue that.

I wholeheartedly agree with this paradigm shift. You have to start and end each day reminding yourself of what you DO have.

You are right. I feel like there are phases to this "journey," and I think I am ready to start being grateful and looking at things with a new perspective. I am certainly not finished grieving . . . nowhere close. But it does not consume me anymore, and it shouldn't. My toughest times are morning and evening . . . when I would be starting or ending the day with my H. That's when I need to be affirmatively looking for the positives in life and finding gratitude for what I do have. I need to make it a daily practice.

Instead, focus on the time you have as quality time. I know you do this already, Melissa, but make it your #1 goal, ALL the time. I chose not to be a SAHM. I'm just not wired to do it. But I can tell you that I chose to be present with them when they were with me, and that worked just fine. My point here is that you aren't losing your kids, and they aren't losing you.

I do need to spend my time with them enjoying them and bonding with them and appreciating them, rather than being sad that I don't get more time with them. Yes. I am not convinced that I am not losing them to some extent - yes, we can still have a great R, but it won't be the way I had envisioned . . . and I am not sure I can ever think that they will be better off this way than being raised by both parents together rather than splitting time. But, I am not arrogant enough to think that I know how I will feel 1, 5, or 10 years from now . . . so I will try to stay open minded about it. Especially because you say this:

I no longer think that it's awful we couldn't parent together in the same house. We did a terrific job as is.

And I am having a very hard time with this:

What I wish we had was the kind of relationship I had envisioned heading in to retirement.

I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Before I go, I'll tell you the stop sign that got me derailed from negative thinking. It was the mantra that said, "Why on earth are you focusing your attention on the one person who doesn't care what you're doing, thinking or feeling? Aren't there people who WANT you in their life?"

Thanks for this. I think I will use it, if you don't mine. It's so true, just requires me to accept that H truly doesn't give a crap. That's a sad reality.