Let's dissect the mind of WAS step by step right here so you are able to understand better their perspective.
Originally Posted By: hotwheelsaust
With regards to the coffee request not working out? Well it is quite simple, unless she initiates, then nothing will happen, simple as that. She hasn't agreed to anything I have offered over the last 14 months. That is why her usual first reply back is why? what do we need to talk about? I suppose it is her way of getting ready for any discussion.
In almost all of 14 months of separation, you and W have not talked by phone at all. The texts you've exchanged, if at all, were very sporadic and far in between over that time period. Follow me so far?
Then one day out of the blue, the WAS gets a text from a spouse requesting to get together for coffee. As you know that as a general unspoken rule, when a guy asks a woman [or man to man, woman to woman if they're gay] out for "coffee", it usually means they're interested in you romantically. Right?
This is how W perceived your text even though your intentions were friendly and perfectly 'innocent.' By sending that sort of text, you've "invaded" her personal space so W reacted accordingly as a separated spouse. She's shocked, confused, and very uncomfortable which is why she responded with "why", "what do you need to talk about." Your W was flummoxed by the sudden and very personal text that was just TOO FAST, TOO MUCH for her. In other words, you've crossed the 'invisible' line into her personal space.
If you would take my sitch for example, Ms. Wonka and I exchanged very light, humorous, fluffy texts for a long, long time before we had our first phone call. It took a while to chip at her defenses until we got to the point we were somewhat comfortable. With that wall out of the way, it just made sense to talk on the phone. HOWEVER, I emphasize this VERY seriously, I showed respect to Ms. Wonka by requesting permission to talk with her on the phone.
Do you see what I'm driving at here, HWA?
Originally Posted By: hotwheelsaust
W is just taking the personal side out of everything and has since BD. I don't know what else I can do or try
This is very typical of WAS to put up the Berlin Wall between us as a self-protection mechanism. Please remember this...nothing to do with you, but their internal thought process in response to pain. So you're going to have to need to start from square one and treat her as a stranger that you've never met. How would you approach a new stranger that you'd like to be friends with? Think about this long and carefully. Exactly.
Originally Posted By: hotwheelsaust
My comment on "not giving up, no matter what you do or have done" was mostly based on the affair that she doesn't want anyone to know about. It was in a way, letting her know that the guilt (mindreading) doesn't need to mean she can no longer come back.
Be very careful as this is a guilt-inducing comment to your W. Drop it. This type of comment serves no comment except to make them feel bad and push you further away. Who likes to be scolded? No one.
Originally Posted By: hotwheelsaust
So back to the first text I sent, what could I do differently?
As a part of rebuilding a friendship with W, what needs to happen first is stop with pressure and expecting W to talk to you. You'll need to adjust your expectations to follow her pace accordingly and being respectful to W's pace. To this end, I would start with what you two have in common. One is your sons...anything else? For me and Ms. Wonka, we talked about NFL, our beloved dog and cat who have passed on, and other light, fluffy stuff that bring up positive memories.
