Just finished printing out 1099s and doing sales tax returns, so I deserve a break! Great dialogue here.
Melissa, my version of letting go just means being. Not looking at the train wreck your H is causing, but focusing on your day to day operations with the kids (including a 6th trip to see Frozen?) and ruminating on the possibilities for YOU. What does 2014 look like for Melissa? Let's pretend for a a few moments that you weren't worrying about your H. What would you be mulling or doing? Then just go do it!
Back when I joined the BB, this forum was moderated by successful DBers on a daily basis. One of the things they used to say to us was, "If you weren't putting your energy into thinking about this issue, what would you be doing?" We'd answer and then they'd tell us to go do it! It's a relief when you drop that rope.
As a reformed control freak, I can tell you that constantly trying to control everything just wore me out. Once I started letting things happen naturally, I noticed that everyone else followed suit. We all became happier when I wasn't constantly trying to put gas in that car and DRIVE. That's what letting go means to me.
25, I'm one of those people like your basketball parents. In fact, I credit volleyball for helping us restore our friendship. Our D19 has always played sports, but chose volleyball at the age of 11 and jumped head first into playing club. We're the ones who sit together and who text each other when we watch her play if the other is not present. He was able to go watch her play in the Elite 8 in Michigan this year, and although I was watching the live stream, his texts made me feel connected there. Uh, and we were also the weirdos who traveled together.
I can't speak for your friends, but I can speak for us. The ink had not even dried on our decree when D19 started playing. I knew right then and there that in order for her to fall in love with it the way I could see she wanted to do, that it would require both of us loving it with her and making it fun for HER by getting along. It was EASY. It was easy because we both love her beyond belief, she loves both of us, and she loves volleyball. It helped us heal. We love her so much that we were eager to share the experience of growing up with her.
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But I wonder if you may want to stop emphasizing the losses, & May I suggest you Start with a change in focus.
I wholeheartedly agree with this paradigm shift. You have to start and end each day reminding yourself of what you DO have.
As 25 and I are both in the same age range and you're both a decade behind us, I think we can kinda hold your hand through this. Here's something that we've both experienced that you are some years off in doing, and it pertains to the kids. I hate to tell you this, but you only really have a couple more years with your kids before they think you're a nuisance who is put on this earth to thwart them. It won't be long before your D9 goes to the mall with you and tells you that she wants you to walk behind her, or sit somewhere else at the food court. I did it to my mom, and my D19 did it to me. Letting go is going to have to be your mantra there too. So you're really not missing out on spending more time with your kids.
Instead, focus on the time you have as quality time. I know you do this already, Melissa, but make it your #1 goal, ALL the time. I chose not to be a SAHM. I'm just not wired to do it. But I can tell you that I chose to be present with them when they were with me, and that worked just fine. My point here is that you aren't losing your kids, and they aren't losing you.
If you wind up going back to work - whatever work you choose - chances are your kids are going to see you as accomplished, and they probably won't take you for granted. I may come across as bragging, but I would have done a good job with my girls no matter what my circumstance was. My commitment to them never wavered. Just like yours doesn't. Your household may be different, but you have real love present there. Every hour of every day. That can't be destroyed. So count your blessings.
I no longer think that it's awful we couldn't parent together in the same house. We did a terrific job as is. What I wish we had was the kind of relationship I had envisioned heading in to retirement. I don't have that, but the reality is I have a happy life - surrounded by people who love me. It's good enough for me.
Before I go, I'll tell you the stop sign that got me derailed from negative thinking. It was the mantra that said, "Why on earth are you focusing your attention on the one person who doesn't care what you're doing, thinking or feeling? Aren't there people who WANT you in their life?"
It was pretty powerful for me, and enough for me to redirect elsewhere.
You can do it. You're smart and willing. Sometimes that's good enough!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
