melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

[melissag]

MLC, thank you for following my sitch and continuing to post!

I am not sure if it is a learned thing or a human instinct to want to let others know when they have hurt us - I just know that I often feel it too. I love your analogy about lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in someone else's eyes. I think that in this situation, you can take it even one step further, because more than likely, our WASs don't care whether we are angry or not. So it's really just lighting ourselves on fire for nothing.

Blues and 25, if I am being honest, I have to acknowledge that my H may actually enjoy the kids more now that I am not around when he has them. At least, that is how he is acting now . . . whether that will stand the test of time, who knows.

My h and I reconciled but I'm telling you it is painful to see how much repair work he needs to do and to see him wondering if it's ever going to be enough. I am SURE that tempts him into giving up, but so far he has not.

25, do you mean repair work on himself, or on the M? Is it just a matter of you having done the work back when he left, whereas he didn't start until you R'd?

Then again, he seems lost as to how to rebuild his r's with our kids. Both our daughters were wounded but did not show it that much until later. Even I did not know how deeply or how angry they are, until recently. And it has been some years...

This scares me. And my H has conveniently decided to ignore the fact that this is how it usually plays out. I spoke with a child psych who works with kids of Dd couples, and he said that many times it seems like the kids are doing just fine for some period of time (a year, 2 years, 5 years), and then you start to see what's really going on. He said he's got many adults who sit on his couch and are still asking why their parents got D, and working through the trauma it caused.

I hope that your Ds can forgive their Dad . . . are they upset with you at all for taking him back?

IN TIME your co-parenting will change and evolve. It's up to you if that is a good helpful thing or a worsening condition. I think you can build on co-parenting.

I am 10000% committed to co-parenting well. So far, all the kids' events that H and I have gone to (school, sports, etc.) we have sat together and quite honestly, I don't think anyone else there (aside from the few people we have told) has a clue that anything is going on with us. We are always kind to each other in front of the kids (well always, really, even when they aren't around), and we have both been very flexible with working out time with the kids.

I will keep this up even if we do get D, as long as I can without it hurting me too much. I imagine there may be a period of time where I am too hurt to sit with him, but who knows how I will feel then . . . or when "then" even is, or if "then" will ever happen. I also fear what will happen if we get D and H is with an OW. Like I have said before, he is a chameleon and a people pleaser, so I am not sure whether he will hold firm to his commitment to be respectful of me, be friends with me, and be a great co-parent, or if he will cave to pressure by a GF, since that is what will get him laid. Of course, if he has that kind of pressure, perhaps that would be the obligation and expectation he isn't interested in . . . who knows, I am just making things up now. Best to just do my best one day at a time and deal with whatever comes as it comes.

My cousin tried hard to co-parent with his ex, and she eventually trusted his parenting more and they cooperated better. A few years later, they remarried. They built on the co-parenting, friendship, connection, intimacy, reconciliation...

That's an inspiring story. Thanks for sharing it.

So why intentionally stare at a scar or wound? Why not get the medicine and apply it, so it improves & you feel better and begin to heal??

I posted this to Blues earlier - I don't think I am doing too much of this (given where I am in my sitch, I think I am doing pretty well). I tend to get caught up in things, come here and vent, and then move on. But thank you for this, it is something I need to be cognizant of and constantly checking to make sure I am not getting sucked into negative thinking.

I am reading the book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. Today she pointed out that an attitude of gratitude is not enough - we must actually practice gratitude in order to feel joy. (That joy comes from gratitude, as opposed to gratitude coming from joy.) This is really important to me, and I want to see it in my kids, too. So today I bought a gratitude jar . . . something I might have thought was kind of hokey or dorky before, but I now think might really be a good thing. I find that verbalizing my gratitude makes me feel good, and makes my kids feel good.

You guys are making plans & decisions based on much newer & fear fueled words or events. What MUST be decided soon?

Well, I was just getting to the point where I was feeling good about being patient and using the time to improve myself . . . then H declared his intention to move forward. So I guess he thinks that something must be decided soon. Well, in his mind, he has decided what HE wants, and in his mind he will NEVER think otherwise, so I guess he figures why drag it out?

I'd love to hear opinions on this, but here is something I have been mulling over the past few days. (This may just be me trying to avoid negative feelings if we do get D, I haven't really worked it all out yet.)

M is a piece of paper, and D is a piece of paper. My H actually said something that I thought was kind of crazy about a month ago, but maybe I kind of get it and maybe it makes sense. He said something to the effect of, "I don't want to have labels. Married, divorced, dating. We just are what we are." Now, granted, my H probably thinks this because he is trying to avoid the obligations of M, the shame of D, and the expectations of dating, but if I think about it, I guess I can see the value in it. If we do get D, that doesn't mean that we never speak to each other again and no longer care about each other. We can still choose to be the people we want to be and the R we want to have, regardless of whether we have the M paper or the D paper.

Perhaps the significance of that paper is just a construct in my mind. I guess the question is, is it truly important to me? I mean, we are M right now, but so what? H has already shunned all of the obligations, promises, etc. of being M. He is on match.com looking for women. He does nothing to take care of our house. He does nothing to care for me (emotionally). So I am not sure why I am so fearful of D.

Which leads me to . . . I realized today that one of my big fears around D is being a failure. I realized that, though I don't consider myself a particularly materialistic person, I in fact do view a nice car, a nice house, and being married as successes in life. If/when we get D, I will have to downgrade my car and house, and my standard of living in general, and, worst of all, I will be D. Something I never wanted to be, because I view D as a failure. A cop out. Something that only weak people do. (I hope I am not offending anyone here, I am just trying to be honest with myself . . . and obviously I am challenging these long held beliefs.)

So that is something I really need to work on.

I am glad that I am now introspective enough to notice these shortcomings and do the work to improve myself, but I really do wonder at what point I will stop having these shameful realizations. Sigh. No wonder there was so much self-loathing.

Marching forward . . . .