melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

[25yearsmlc]

Melissa, as I was getting kids ready for school this morning, I began thinking how awful it is that we are missing out on our kids growing up TOGETHER.

We used to talk about and dote on our kids and enjoy them together. I feel like I lost that one person in life that loves the kids like I do and appreciates all the cute little things they do.

I feel like H is going to wake up one day and they'll be grown and we'll all have missed out on sharing these memories together. Ugh. Hope you're doing well today.

Blues,

no way around this, it STINKS! So I stopped dwelling on all the stinky parts b/c it made ME feel bad and I became negative and angry.

I got very very tired of feeling angry. There were times I thought, "but h DESERVES my anger"...and then I remembered something I heard long ago.

"Hanging onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,

-----to get smoke in their eyes."

Truth be told, if you were still M, he'd miss out whenever he was at work. You would have to tell him the event he missed and know that he cares.

Hopefully he does still care and thus, sometime in the future when you are more detached and able, you will still be able to pick up the phone to say "our son/daughter made Varsity and played SO well last night!"

IOW< not every single interaction will be ruined, and some might be the same as they would have been if you remained married. IF you remain apart, there may even come a time when some cooperation between the parents means at least one will be at each game.

I happen to know a div couple with a d17 on our D16's basketball team. They are (& the former wife describes them as) "very cordial" with each other. Sometimes they sit together at the game, sometimes it's only one of them. But I have noticed the dad texting his ex wife to tell her that their d scored a 3 pointer, which impressed me. (The ex w works a few nights a week so she misses some games but she's at many others in the day, which he tends to miss) I also know they live within 3 blocks of each other. So they have worked out the yin and yang pretty well.

I might ask them how they did it someday...

As for the H waking up someday...maybe he will.

My h and I reconciled but I'm telling you it is painful to see how much repair work he needs to do and to see him wondering if it's ever going to be enough. I am SURE that tempts him into giving up, but so far he has not.

Then again, he seems lost as to how to rebuild his r's with our kids. Both our daughters were wounded but did not show it that much until later. Even I did not know how deeply or how angry they are, until recently. And it has been some years...

And that's WITH reconciliation.


Sure My h has deep regrets. I pray he can do the work to regain their trust and I pray they can forgive for real, and open their hearts to him. I believe they will. Truly I do. I know I'll do my best to model that for them.

I do not know how long it will take (will let you know).

The main thing for me to reinforce is that they are loved by both parents...deeply. And they are.

Even with his wacky "episode", and some very selfish acts of his, I have always believed my h would kill or die for our children if the circumstances arose. And I do believe that.

So I tell them that when they get hurt/furious. (They rarely admit to hurt feelings so much as "angry" or "resentment"). They will always need to hear that their parents love them, imo.

Even when we screw up. Also we will screw up even if we are still m. Our kids will have issues with us just as we did with our parents.

I don't want to quibble about what you are losing. It IS a loss, for sure. That's obvious.

(My mom told me that the book "Necessary Losses" was helpful to her, btw. I think it was after my dad's death that she read it, but am not sure. Maybe it's worth a gander).

IN TIME your co-parenting will change and evolve. It's up to you if that is a good helpful thing or a worsening condition. I think you can build on co-parenting.

My cousin tried hard to co-parent with his ex, and she eventually trusted his parenting more and they cooperated better. A few years later, they remarried. They built on the co-parenting, friendship, connection, intimacy, reconciliation...


But I wonder if you may want to stop emphasizing the losses, &
May I suggest you Start with a change in focus.

Less focus on your loss, so there's no circling the drain and spiraling downward (which I did, often, and for months)

Maybe try no negatives, for say, a WEEK, to see if it helps you feel better.

There are times that repressing our bad emotions IS appropriate (at work, in front of the kids, on a date!...etc) But as for "repression" being so unhealthy,

hey
You will grieve these losses anyhow! We all did/do/will.

So why intentionally stare at a scar or wound? Why not get the medicine and apply it, so it improves & you feel better and begin to heal??

Hence the suggestion to change your focus. What IS still working in your life?

And what if your h never ever "wakes up" to regret, but instead to ignore OR worse, to say he did the right thing by leaving?

Blues, Melissa, I do not want to discourage you from using the DB forums, sometimes to VENT. This is the place for it.

However, I noticed that for ME, a chunk of my venting became "being stuck" and not moving forward, circling the drain of negativity and becoming a swirling vortex of negativity ("SVON") and it took my older sister to sort of virtually slap my face and stay "Knock it off. You are spiraling!" I was just being all round negative.

I did not want that in my life anymore. For ME, and for my kids, and last, for my m.

So check yourself when you vent, and if it IS letting off steam and making you feel better, VENT AWAY...

but if not, take note. Plus, Blues I cannot recall your timeline but I know Melissa is fairly new here. A lot of what I learned was over a 2 year period.

Which brings me to the other point Melissa. This ordeal is in its' early stages. Try not to take the temperature of the relationship or assessing its direction, so often

Unless something happens on his end, I would wait another 90 days before wondering if anything has changed b/c it takes time to believe in new changes in others and then to factor in how they make us feel...time on the WAS's end and on ours. Try 90 day chunks, or 30 days if 90 is too long for you to wait to monitor for results etc.

My 2 year ordeal was...two years.

You guys are making plans & decisions based on much newer & fear fueled words or events. What MUST be decided soon?

What can wait, (assuming no risk to your finances)?

Why not figure that out first, and determine if you can remain where you are, for now, and just work on YOUR LIFE and moving forward, but without all the damage assessment, for some amount of time?


And if need be, vent away here. I think your best chance of happiness with or without your h,

is by making this about improving YOUR LIFE and your kids...it makes you more appealing

(no one finds a miserable SAD spouse, attractive or appealing. It kills me to hear people say "but If I act happy or upbeat they will think they did not deeply wound me"....like being deeply wounded would attract them more???...)


Keep posting and doing your DB best. I notice a lot of insights and that is a great sign.

((( )))