It's slow for sure- some days (like today) it feels downright hopeless.
i never even thought i was alll that impatient in life.but now wonder how long can we hold on/out in this? it's like the amazing endurance of the human animal- (and why? must be instinct- my brain cannot figure it out at all...
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Up until the time that I KNEW (evidence and all) that Skippy had been involved with someone else and was lying to me, I would have sworn that there was no way on earth he would do that to me.
i know, me to (soooo me too) . i find myself wondering now if that says something very good about me- or very "bad". either that level of devotion/loyalty/commitment- or self-delusion. can ya tell it's a day when i feel crazy?
as i'm saying this- i'm thinking it's probably fatal if i let myself go there- self doubt & questioning entire past, etc. (that darn brain- it's GOT to be a "man")
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The funny thing is that I still believe in that wierd connection between us.
deep inside i feel this too - but what if i'm mistaken? i know, how would one EVER REALLY KNOW - HOW WOULD one ever really know another person?
i hate this stuff. the inability to DO anything, really UNDERSTAND anything, etc.
today , well, maybe it's the stupid cold i'm getting putting me in a hopeless ratty mood)
i just feel like you guys and i wonder at our resliience and commitment to even be still standing here , chatting about this stuff , and then as much as i admire both of your reasonableness - i wonder about my self. if i'm just imagining what i'd "like" to be there in my life - and i am too pollyannaish to see "the end" and accept i (once and for all).
i get some crumb of "reinforcement" and (i hate acknowledging this) I am glad, it does make me feel "better" to chat with him. i hate to admit it- he's been the most important person in my life soooo long- i am truly having trouble not feeling anything. i am a bit more detached in general. it is not the "right" thing tho, for us.
i can't figure what is tho, and how to help it along.
saying that out loud- there isn't a thing to do is there but follow his lead? i hate it- and think i'm possibly crazy-
i'd better get out of here and just go get on with my day.
sorry- wish i could fix it for all of us. this having patience stuff stinks like mad....
