Reaching out for support and advice 2

[bluesgal]

I met with a L on Monday. Wow. Very scary stuff. Things got very real for me. This L is the 'best in the area'. He is cutthroat. He wants to know what I want and then steamrolls until we get it.
I can see how D get ugly. Yuck.
I don't want to file for D. I want to know my options and prepare myself.

I've been struggling lately because I don't want to be treated badly anymore. A person can only take the nasty comments, dirty looks, and lies for so long. It has taken a toll. I've had a cold that has turned into bronchitis and a sinus infection. My stress is high and now my body is weak.

My parents have been huge supporters of trying to help my M. My mom even reads these blogs and gives me tips. While my dad respects what I'm doing, he also thinks I need to 'turn up the heat'. I know this goes against DB, but my dad thinks H has had it too easy and is cake eating. My dad thinks I need to throw H out and let the chips fall where they may.

H came home tonight and was nasty as usual. I was saying something and he said 'Why don't you just shut up for a minute'. That was it. I told him he doesn't get to talk to me that way. I told him that I want him to be happy, so I encourage him to leave and find what makes him happy. I told him we'll sit down with the kids, tell them what is going on and when people ask, I'll tell them we're separated. No more fake fronts.

Well, this got his attention. He left the conversation and soon started talking to me about his day. He talked about work and asked me about my day. He played with son, hung out with D and I. Then, instead of grabbing his beers and going to the basement, he stayed upstairs in the living room and watch tv with me. He fell asleep on the couch. I covered him up and here I am writing this.

My H does not want to move out. I'm perfectly ok with him staying if things continue to improve. But, I don't want to be told to shut up ever again. And even though it's not my place to teach him lessons, I think leaving the comforts of home would be a big reality check for him. I'm not sure what to do, but I am sure that I want more respect than I've been given for the last 7 months.

My GAL is going great. Spending time with girlfriends and great one on one with the kids. I've really been focused and present with the kids lately. And the strangest thing has been happening. I can feel myself detaching from H again...but on a deeper level. Like I am really ready to let him go.

So many of you have been helpful with support and examples. Labug has been particularly helpful with the bigger picture. As I read her comments on mine and others' boards, I am starting to not just understand in my head, but also starting to let go emotionally. What will be, will be. I cannot control this.

So, my latest decision is to have H leave if he continues to verbally abuse and lie. It won't be for a couple of days or a week. It will be until he's ready to treat me kindly. I simply do not want to be treated like this anymore. He doesn't have to want me or the M, but I won't be treated poorly anymore.

Phew! That's my boundary.

[labug]

Set that boundary, be clear, be in control of you.

Yay for you. But don't kid yourself, it's not going to be easy initially. Be prepared for him to lash out.

But that's about his needs, not yours. Let him lash and stick to your boundary.

[melissag]

Good for you, Blues! You should be proud of yourself! I love how you stood up for yourself. You are taking control of your life and your H will see that, but more importantly, YOU will see that you are going to be OK no matter what.

You are an inspiration to me today, Blues!

[labug]

How are you?

[bluesgal]

Thanks for the support everyone. I am doing well. I have a plan that will protect my boundaries and that feels good. I am also making great strides in the detachment department. I did great today. I distracted myself from thoughts about H and sitch. I focused on me and my kids and the people who love me. I am making new GAL plans, had a great night out with a friend, and I am letting H go.

He has off of work tomorrow. I told him to go and do what makes him happy. Have a day off and enjoy it. Talked about the kids. Thanked him for a couple of things he did around the house. I gave great eye contact and smiled. I left the conversation first. These actions make me feel good.

[labug]

Can you tell us about your plan?

You sound great, let the little successes build.

[bluesgal]

I am breathing a lot. Trying to let go, but what a process. My plan is to give as much space as possible. To try to build some routines in the home where we ask about eachothers day again. Keep having family suppers.

If my H spews anger or shows dishonesty, I will ask him to leave our home. I will no longer tolerate verbal abuse or being lied to. I feel very strongly about this.

I had such awful feelings about being taken advantage of before and the cake eating was bothering me and creating resentments. I will allow time/space, but do need to have some respect.

[labug]

If my H spews anger or shows dishonesty, I will ask him to leave our home. I will no longer tolerate verbal abuse or being lied to. I feel very strongly about this.

You sound good.

Does he know your boundary?

[bluesgal]

hmmm, not exactly. I need to do tell him don't I

[labug]

There's a great book, Boundaries: Where you end and I begin.

Easy read but an eye-opener.