Wife Said She's Done - Pt. 2 ..and Still Hopeful

[OneDay]

When you start digging you will also find that the items you list demands an awful lot of work compared to the cleaning, laundry, whatever list. IT TAKES TIME!!

Yes it does. This is WAY harder than giving up tobacco and alcohol

OK. once again, go on a field trip and get the book NO MORE MR NICE GUY
I really hope you stick with this because you are going to find that your wifes current actions are actually saving your arse. Its going to get so tough- but your worth it)

I will get the book, and I hope your right cause it feel so off/wrong right now

[OneDay]

Your a Selfish, Selfcenter Jerk! You always have been and you always will be. Its just who you are and you will never change! (Those were the words I heard last night)

Heres the whole story including the lead up.
I asked WAW if she had any plans for Wed. and she replied no. I then told her I had "plans" and asked if she would be home when my Mom dropped the boys off.(mom always has them on Wednesday) She said yes, thats fine. So I go out to bible study, then stopped by my moms for a bit. When I arrived home she was just hopping into bed. I had to get some things out of the room and WAW said "Oh' by the way I have "plans" this Saturday Night! Just wanted to give you a heads up." I then replied "well I also have tentative plans and we might have to get a Sitter. As soon as I said that she flipped. She replied with "You just had an entire weekend to yourself camping, and you got to go out tonight as well. I've been busting my butt working and taking care of the kids. I deserve to go and have some ME time and I dont think thats asking too much, and Im going out this Saturday."I replied back with "Thats fine, Im not saying you can't go out we will just have to get a sitter"

We went back and forth a few times and I said "You know this is not easy on me either" She said its never what I wanted either. I then came back with "well I can have a life a too" Thats when it all came out. She stared crying and went off. She said Your a Selfish, Self-centered Jerk and you haven't changed one bit! Your family and other say how your changing and I can see some change, but I know you, and know your heart. Your selfish and always have been. Its just who you are and nothing is any different now! You've never cared about me and only yourself. You might be fooling your family, the boys, your friends etc with your "changes", but your not fooling me. Your looking out for yourself, just like you've always have for years, and nothing is any different now.

She continued on for awhile telling me how awful and selfish I was for coming back home. Especially after all I put her through, then how I changing the sleeping arrangements, the amount I go out. and splitting of the check, to her having no money and how this was all my fault. There was nothing I could do at this point but listen. The only thing I said while she was venting was and occasional Ok or I see.

So this morning I told her that I will find a sitter for this weekend. She said Okay and walked away.

I don't know if any of what Im doing is right. It feels wrong for me going out GAL. She see's all this as selfish. I kinda feel like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I know everyone says to GAL and detach, But I think its pushing her further and further away. She thinks Im just doing what ever the heck I want, whenever the heck I want to do it. I've mentioned this in an earlier post too.

What do you guys think?

[labug]

I think she was venting, you have no control over how she sees your actions. She is allowed to be angry, doesn't mean you have to agree with it.

Were you a selfish, self-centered jerk? It's OK to admit that if you were, We have to do that moral inventory before we can begin to fix things.

It takes a long time for people close to us to believe the changes we're making. Most of us have promised to change in the past and it didn't stick. Changes have to be consistent over time, lots of time. This is not a microwave process.

A positive is that she's seeing some changes on her own. If you can I would dial down your family telling her how much you've changed. Let her come to that conclusion on her own.

This was good

"well I also have tentative plans and we might have to get a Sitter.

as long as it's the truth.

So this morning I told her that I will find a sitter for this weekend.

and this is good. have you ever gotten a sitter before? I mean you personally taken responsibility for it? That's quite a 180 and again, taking responsibility for you and being an active involved father.

I don't think it was as bad as you thought, it just made you feel crappy. Feelings pass and don't need to be acted on.

[Positivespin]

Slap the guilt out of yourself my friend. I KNOW its tough sir- I KNOW!!!!!!!

She wants to play the victim card. She wants to feel that its 100% YOUR fault for the ruining of the family.

Yes, you had a part to play but she has "checked out". In time she may be more open minded....just not right now. Its the complete opposite of what you FEEL you should be doing.

GO GET THE BOOK!

[OneDay]

Were you a selfish, self-centered jerk? It's OK to admit that if you were, We have to do that moral inventory before we can begin to fix things.

Yes I was Sometimes. But not all the time/everyday. I was there for her, the boys, helping out around the house, cooking, cleaning, caring for her if she was sick/hurting, being an active father.

So this morning I told her that I will find a sitter for this weekend. and this is good. have you ever gotten a sitter before? I mean you personally taken responsibility for it? That's quite a 180 and again, taking responsibility for you and being an active involved father.

Well yes, but its my mom, thats about it. Both of us dont really know any good sitters (or we dont trust them) so its either mine or her moms who watches them for us.

Yes, you had a part to play but she has "checked out". In time she may be more open minded....just not right now. Its the complete opposite of what you FEEL you should be doing.

I guess, it just dosent feel right, coming and going in order to GAL like Im doing.

[Positivespin]

Youve been married for 9 years and together for 10....How else do you expect to get new/different experiences.

I had so much guilt for going out in the beginning I was dry heaving

[AnotherStander]

I asked WAW if she had any plans for Wed. and she replied no. I then told her I had "plans" and asked if she would be home when my Mom dropped the boys off.(mom always has them on Wednesday) She said yes, thats fine.

I'm thinking the way your W saw this, you "owed" her one for the above. So when she said she was going out on Saturday, that would make the two of you "even". When you suggested getting a sitter because you had plans too, the reason she got mad was because SHE wanted YOU sitting at home alone with the kids while she was out partying it up. You derailed her plan to "get even". Sure I may be mind-reading a bit here, but I suspect this is why she got so angry.

As for you being selfish and self-centered, sure, maybe if you told her you were going out Saturday and dealing with the kids was her problem. But you didn't, you offered to get a sitter which on the face of it seems like a good compromise. But her filter is that you're a jerk, and everything you say and do gets run through that filter for now. All you can do is try and detach from the roller coaster and keep up your GAL.

I think one difference I might suggest in the future is if you're going out again, ask her if she wants you to get a sitter or if she's OK watching the kids. Because this is going to be a hot button for her from now on.

[OneDay]

[quote=ScottCat] I think one difference I might suggest in the future is if you're going out again, ask her if she wants you to get a sitter or if she's OK watching the kids. Because this is going to be a hot button for her from now on.

Thats a good idea but, Im also thinking we make up a predetermined schedule and stick to that. She have her time, I have mine and we both know which days a which. I honestly dont know what to do.

On a side note, WAW wanted to split the checking as she thought I was spending too much. (which was not the case) So we discussed it in length first, then suggested having it in writing as well. So I wrote up an agreement which included splitting and closing of the account and splitting of the living expenses while she is still living there. I just sent her the email today.

That was so hard to do/send and feels sooooo strange. She called me on her lunch break and said she received it and most everything looked good to her and we can talk about it later. She seemed so cheerful and upbeat about the circumstance. Maybe it was just more Business like. She can be very structured and business like. Either way it was hard to press the send button when the time came. It really sunk in and feels like I have truly lost her.

[OneDay]

The more I think about it the more I don't want to talk about the finances with WAW tonight. (See post above) I know I could tell her so. But do u guys think it would be okay to tell her it's difficult for me right now or "I'm not taking this very well do you mind if we disscus this another time? Or "this is hard for me to talk about right now " "

I just feel like crap right now. Like this whole divorce is all my fault . So far I've shown her a happy man that's had an awaking and I'm going to be fine.

Is it ok to tell/show her that this is difficult for me to show my feelings somewhat?

HELP.

[labug]

Yes it's OK, and the whole divorce is not your fault. It takes 2 to make a marriage work and 2 to break it.

Ask her to do it another time and set that time.