bent not broken

[willbwell]

reading Heather, Melissa, Amb., Nero, busting and many many others. Reading along the wise and compassionate responses. applies to me as well.

trying to come to terms with what is in my head vs heart.
D has been filed.
still hurting.
its not me, its him. his journey. didn't ask for this. don't want it, but have to go along...
sure I get the life is not fair.
sure I am pretty awesome. why should it matter if h doesn't think so? it does though. it hurts he is choosing someone else.

when did he stop caring, I want to ask? I want to text, to communicate. I have to remind myself. He Does Not Care!!!

I am bothered by the message it sends to our boys. How to come to terms with that. I can tell myself all these things until I am blue in the face.
Really,I would like to satrt to get there. to feel it.
To say, I gave it my best, but I quess it just didn't work out...

I did have expectations of h.
Let him go, you guys may say.
POOF! Be gone h!

Everyday, h texts d15 on my phone. D15 is like a 5year old. Should I ask him to get her her own phone so I don't have to be the relay person?
so, I can have nothing to do with him? to make my life easier?

Already, I am so displeased at how much money is being spent...his apt etc...

I still give it too much time. think about it too much at times. still feel nauseas at times.
Having to come to terms with how H justifies me doing everything for kids.
he pays the bills. he takes them to dinner, movie or a vacation.

Want to show h what usual custody is in our state. He won't go for it. He works too much. d15 won't want it. S17 has never stayed at h apt. h and d15 seem satisfied with an occasional 1 night overnight. but, to me a bit, h is getting everything he wants....makes him feel good, like he's doing his part.
really it is BS.

some might say, I am still focusing too much on h....
I am trying to work this censored out of my system.
believe me, I pray and pray.
I am a happy strong person.
I am still needy though. I want love. I want someone to take care of me...ME.

you guys know what I am saying???