Huge R talk last night! W comes in the door with guns blazing. Worst spew in months. Catalyst for this spew was my possible job change and a single incident from 3 nights ago.
Background: 1-Job change I've been working on for 2 years that will bring less stress, less travel, less time, but less money. Missed opportunity to make the job change in June, but it has presented itself again. 2-Incident in which I texted her BFF about W possibly seeing OM. (a stupid moment of weakness that I immediately retracted and apologized to BFF) So I get a faceful of awful spew and anger driven attacks.
Same old same old attacks. -She hasn't been happy for 10 years -She is gonna continue to talk to OM cause she likes it -OM makes her feel better by texting her during the day -Im such a fake -My changes are such a put on -Everyone thinks its weird -You are just like your Daddy -You are spineless (this one was new) -Ive always supported you and you've never supported me -I almost moved out over Christmas -Its just poor pitiful J and his sick wife -The kids see how much you've changed -I cant stand being around you -It makes me sick to hear your keys in the door every day -You never wanna talk about anything important -We are setting a real good example for our kids -You will never be able to trust me again, so whats the point -I hate sleeping with a pillow beside me (shes literally putting up a wall in the bed now) -I stay sick on my stomach every time I eat -If I was away from you all these things would change -I we separated, maybe we could build something back -So we just go on like this forever? -No one changes like that overnight -What's your goal in all this? -Blah, blah, blah, blah
I validated her feelings. I listened for any new information. I supported her in everything nut the idea of separation. She threw the kids up several times. If she leaves, the kids will go with her.
New things for me: -She told me s10 has really benefited from my changes. Said he told her he really loves me and thinks he is the favorite now instead of s12. -She hates it when I have let her take the lead in decision making. (spineless comment) -Her self esteem is her major problem. And its my fault apparently -The situation with OM isn't as bad as I had feared, yet. -She is no where close to being ready to fight her demons
Of course, I took what I needed from the conversation, filed it all away and went on to play with both my boys, leaving her to stew. She is so incredulous that I didn't cry, fight, explode, defend, etc. At one point, she just laid back on the bed and threw her hands in the air because I was sitting calmly in front of her looking at her as she attacked me. Apparently I have been a jerk forever around her family and her friends and she has just accepted it.
Best point during it all was when she was tearing me apart for not making decisions during our whole marriage and letting her make them all. She spewed for 2 or 3 minutes about how she used to feel bad about doing that to me, but that in the end, it was just my own F-ing fault. During her rant about this, I could feel my smile growing. When she finished, I said "Thank you for just saying it. You are exactly right." Her face was priceless. Truth is, I have fed her need to be in control with my own insecurities. This dynamic has been huge in our R since day 1.
Of course, 15 minutes after this, she talks to me like normal coming by me in the kitchen. And this morning, she initiated conversation about regular day stuff.
Whew. Long, draining night.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
