I remember having similar musings in the tail end of my 2 year separation/limbo. But then I realized something which helped me finish letting go. At that time, I had 2 close friends who had divorced after long term marriages - and they both reconciled post-D. They are both happily re-married now and I think it's inspirational. Then later on, I met a gal here who became a good friend IRL who also remarried her XH 4 years later. They both grew up, processed stuff, made the changes and now have a soon to be 4 year old daughter.
If you're meant to be together, it will happen. So even a D can't stop that from happening. Trust and believe that there is no such thing as a closed door if he makes his way back to you again some day. But if not, then the converse is true too. Letting go will allow you to invite MORE love in than he is capable of giving. I say to myself, "I don't want the version of him that isn't totally in to me."
It sounds like you're processing that anger properly. That can only happen when you acknowledge it. Personally, I think it's amazing and insightful that you actually can see the cause. I say honor it and hopefully forgive both of you and move forward. Do nice things for yourself to help yourself over the hump.
I'm not one who would say you haven't learned anything or let go. I understand being in limbo. Personally, I think it would have been easier for me if my XH hadn't left me in limbo for so long and was decisive about what he wanted. It's a crappy place to be - I wasn't important enough for him to want to try again, but I wasn't a bad enough option to end things either. As it was, the day we walked into the court house, going through security he mumbled loud enough for me to hear, "This might be the worst thing I've ever done."
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I try to be considerate of him and i have no expectation of him. When he acts decently it is such a positive that others tell me aww he still loves you. That is sad to me, that his love was so tepid that just entering my house is what looks like love. I dont read it as love, i read it as trying to be a decent guy in the eyes of his sons.
AD, have you ever considered that your H loves you the best he can? Maybe he just has a fractured heart that can't love the way you do? It sure sounds as though your H has some very deep emotional issues that prevent him from being vulnerable and emotionally honest with others. He, like many of our former spouses here, is emotionally stunted. What makes it even more sad is that they know something isn't right (because they aren't happy - period), but they don't DO anything to figure it out or make things better for themselves. They don't grow, so they wilt.
I used to visualize weeding my flower bed. I had to get rid of the wilted ones to plant seeds for something more beautiful. Some plants just don't thrive...
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
