An End/Beginning of Year Update

[MrBond]

"There is nothing sexist, or offensive about my comment. It is simply a fact."

No it was extremely offensive and it IS NOT a fact.

Something is offensive when there is someone offended by an action or a comment. Your comment offended me and I'm willing to bet others will also be offended. Therefore your statement was offensive.

There's nothing personal about it. You seem to see every comment that you see as contradictory to what you believe as a personal attack. It isn't. Even in your own thread, people had posted to you trying to show you your W's POV so that you could at least improve communication with her. You didn't listen and yet still wonder why she holds a grudge against you. Again, not a personal attack, just an observation.

The comment regarding your Ds was an example to show how it might be offensive. And truthfully if you wouldn't expect your W to do something that you don't expect your kids to do also in their marriages.

Go through many of the posts here on this board. It's chock full of WASs AND LBSs who thought that not having sex wasn't a big deal. They didn't have resentments or hang ups. That's just what they thought. People's attitudes and physical and mental capacities change over time. Just because YOU don't understand it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.

"I am saying that when you express a deeply felt need to someone who loves you that they will "Want" to take care of your need."

Not necessarily. Someone can still love you but not want to do something. Say, for example, you have a thing for bondage or having sex in a car or whatever. If the other person doesn't feel comfortable with it (and this includes even casual sex) they aren't going to do it. Doesn't mean they love you less.

"Taking care of your need will bring them Joy."

Not for everyone. Especially when they don't like it.

"They will desire to do it. It will be no "Duty" at all."

In a perfect world. But life isn't perfect.

"It is simply a fact. For a healthy adult, the physical act of sex is a trivial thing.

Also offensive. That's just YOUR POV.

[RockJC]

Mr Bond - I highly doubt you were actually offended by my comment. You just like criticizing me and Faux drama. I have learned to ignore it.

[adinva]

I loved my husband with all my heart. I wanted to be a good wife, and I wanted to be sexy and desirable.

And there were some times I said no because frankly my love tank was so low, my resentments were so great, my exhaustion was also great, and on top of that to be treated like a spec all day and then asked to summon *desire* and *enthusiasm* ...

I would have cried all through the sex.

I can't tell you what specifically happened that day but I can remember that day clearly just by the emotion it conjures up of I.CANNOT.DO.THAT. Not today.

So, the idea that you can lie on your back and satisfy your man is way oversimplified. Real humans don't work like that. Unless you wouldn't mind tears all through it.

[MrBond]

"I highly doubt you were actually offended by my comment. You just like criticizing me and Faux drama. I have learned to ignore it."

Mindreading. I was offended. And so were others who are responding to you. You just don't seem to want to listen.

[Roberta]

As I am reading your post and subsequent threads, there is so much more than just the question of "submission". I strongly suggest that you speak to a Divorce Busting coach. Their invaluable insight and advice would help your relationship on many levels.
Please call me to discuss our program 303-444-7004.

[ssmguy]

Mr Bond - I highly doubt you were actually offended by my comment. You just like criticizing me and Faux drama. I have learned to ignore it.

So if three people here have indicated that your comment was offensive, you would argue your comment is not offensive, meaning we were all incorrect in finding it offensive? But not only that, but you're arguing that one of us is in fact not even finding it offensive but just lying and saying so to create faux drama? Aren't you even curious why three people would find it offensive? And do you think we're the only ones -- just bad luck on this forum, and people generally would agree with you and disagree with us? Not even curious to understand why someone might take offense at the way you're saying it, if not the substance? You're just saying you're right, and it's a fact, and it's that simple.

[Accuray]

Maybe I'm hard to offend or maybe I missed it but this all just seemed like a productive discussion to me. Adinva' s post supported RockJC' s point IMO:

Personally, I just believe there has to be something deeper; Some resentment toward her husband, something physical or some self esteem issue which creates such a conflict.

[MrBond]

That part wasn't the initial offensive part. It was the initial statement of... " What does sex really take? You are asking her to lie on her back for less than 10 minutes and let you have her to show you that she cares for you? it is nothing."

It seemed to trivialize the act on the part of the spouse. Sounded more like a hooker than a spouse.

But moving on.

[Accuray]

When I was in the heart of an SSM, this thought came to mind:

If by some bizarre twist of fate, my W would experience intense physical pleasure if I smashed my thumb with a hammer, I would do that for her, as often as I could, because I love her and because it would not kill me.

I would get NOTHING out of it, it would suck for me, but I would still do it.

Having sex can't be as bad as smashing your thumb with a hammer, so refusing to do it at all, when you're capable of it, is something I just can't understand.

[MrBond]

"Having sex can't be as bad as smashing your thumb with a hammer,"

For some people it is. Just because it's not like that in your relationship doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. Again, there were many LBSs who come on here that just didn't think sex was a priority. How many times have you seen people say "oh I didn't know sex was important to him/her, etc.".

"so refusing to do it at all, when you're capable of it, is something I just can't understand."

Then you also should also read the information before commenting about how it's no big deal. It's a big thing. Why do you think MWD actually wrote a book about it?