Question comes to mind though. I'm curious if you think you may not have been this way before as a reaction to the surroundings? i.e. at some level did you feel your W's actions helped or hindered you to be yourself?
I'm curious, but in no way suggesting she's responsible for your actions pre or post start to this part of the adventure
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I think a big part of the way I used to be was my surroundings. All the social group we frequent are people that W has common history with. People that she went to school with, people that she has taught their children, etc. I felt like I was her accessory at times. Since I am beginning to find that worth within myself, I can talk to folks no matter who they are and where we are at. I like that.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Update: My PMA has been through the roof over the last few days. Back around friends and meeting new ones is incredible for the soul. W has begun to react to my changes some. I'm seeing some abnormal behavior from her over the last couple of days. Yesterday, we were all out of school due to weather and I assumed she would spend all day in bed per the norm. She actually did a load of laundry and cooked wings for supper last night. Hooray! I still did dishes and trash and animal duties, but it was nice to see her up and doing something. She was also more engaged with the kids over the last couple of days. Now participating in nighttime tuck in rituals again.
On the negative front, she was back to her cold indifferent self around me yesterday. She did attempt to pick a fight with me over finances as I got out of the shower smiling and humming a song. Maybe she didn't want to see me that happy? I just made myself lunch around her and went on about my business. i left her grumbling under her breath as I walked away humming one of my favorite new songs.
Roller coaster ride svcks on her side. I feel that I have reached a place where I no longer let her craziness affect my own mood and approach to things. Whatever it is at this moment, it is. I am learning to enjoy the positives and not let negatives destroy me. Maybe she will figure it out, maybe she wont. That, I know, is not something I can control.
Control the controllable.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
One of the ways I used to describe what I saw was that my W had had an emotional stroke of sorts. I know that's not the case, but gallows humor, right?
Thing is, the rehab steps seem about the same. And part of the trick, from what I've seen is outlasting the anger phase.
I think you are doing quite well in that area and I don't think it's unnatural to see her go from "normal" and back while she tries to come out of the 6 month funk. She's not done blaming you yet, amigo so hang in there and be prepared for the attacks and for her to try more things to find herself. Some of them may be outlandish
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Update: My PMA has been through the roof over the last few days. Back around friends and meeting new ones is incredible for the soul. W has begun to react to my changes some. I'm seeing some abnormal behavior from her over the last couple of days. Yesterday, we were all out of school due to weather and I assumed she would spend all day in bed per the norm. She actually did a load of laundry and cooked wings for supper last night. Hooray! I still did dishes and trash and animal duties, but it was nice to see her up and doing something. She was also more engaged with the kids over the last couple of days. Now participating in nighttime tuck in rituals again.
On the negative front, she was back to her cold indifferent self around me yesterday. She did attempt to pick a fight with me over finances as I got out of the shower smiling and humming a song. Maybe she didn't want to see me that happy? I just made myself lunch around her and went on about my business. i left her grumbling under her breath as I walked away humming one of my favorite new songs.
Roller coaster ride svcks on her side. I feel that I have reached a place where I no longer let her craziness affect my own mood and approach to things. Whatever it is at this moment, it is. I am learning to enjoy the positives and not let negatives destroy me. Maybe she will figure it out, maybe she wont. That, I know, is not something I can control.
Control the controllable.
Hey J...
Part of this is the "bounce"...
As you bounce higher, she will fall lower, and when you fall lower, she will bounce higher again...
The trick is, for you to stay level and consistent , and to allow her emotions to go where they may....
The more that you change within the crisis, the more they will do the same. When they see you as becoming more competent in all of the areas that you lacked in before, it kinda gives them the permission that they need to fall more apart...
That is good. Means that you are doing something "right"
Thanks guys. I have really concentrated on giving her space to work through this crisis. I have literally stayed away from her at home as much as possible. Sometimes feels like I'm running away from her, but I'm spending time with my boys, taking care of myself and the household chores. She has to navigate it herself, right?
As for falling apart, I've seen her do it. Coming unglued. Crying for the first time in 6 months. Withdrawing from the family on Christmas Day. Holidays were rough on her. I cant imagine what's going on in her head. My head is full enough. I need to stay out of hers, right?
AJ's got me digging a weed now about why Ive always felt like an accessory to W. I'm going to be busy on that one a while. That's a good thing. Less time to look at her and get into her head.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
It feels weird for a while at first J, the staying away, but that will get better. Just be sure to be present when she comes to you, approaches you. "Aloof, but, available".
Keep going, you got this!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Huge R talk last night! W comes in the door with guns blazing. Worst spew in months. Catalyst for this spew was my possible job change and a single incident from 3 nights ago.
Background: 1-Job change I've been working on for 2 years that will bring less stress, less travel, less time, but less money. Missed opportunity to make the job change in June, but it has presented itself again. 2-Incident in which I texted her BFF about W possibly seeing OM. (a stupid moment of weakness that I immediately retracted and apologized to BFF) So I get a faceful of awful spew and anger driven attacks.
Same old same old attacks. -She hasn't been happy for 10 years -She is gonna continue to talk to OM cause she likes it -OM makes her feel better by texting her during the day -Im such a fake -My changes are such a put on -Everyone thinks its weird -You are just like your Daddy -You are spineless (this one was new) -Ive always supported you and you've never supported me -I almost moved out over Christmas -Its just poor pitiful J and his sick wife -The kids see how much you've changed -I cant stand being around you -It makes me sick to hear your keys in the door every day -You never wanna talk about anything important -We are setting a real good example for our kids -You will never be able to trust me again, so whats the point -I hate sleeping with a pillow beside me (shes literally putting up a wall in the bed now) -I stay sick on my stomach every time I eat -If I was away from you all these things would change -I we separated, maybe we could build something back -So we just go on like this forever? -No one changes like that overnight -What's your goal in all this? -Blah, blah, blah, blah
I validated her feelings. I listened for any new information. I supported her in everything nut the idea of separation. She threw the kids up several times. If she leaves, the kids will go with her.
New things for me: -She told me s10 has really benefited from my changes. Said he told her he really loves me and thinks he is the favorite now instead of s12. -She hates it when I have let her take the lead in decision making. (spineless comment) -Her self esteem is her major problem. And its my fault apparently -The situation with OM isn't as bad as I had feared, yet. -She is no where close to being ready to fight her demons
Of course, I took what I needed from the conversation, filed it all away and went on to play with both my boys, leaving her to stew. She is so incredulous that I didn't cry, fight, explode, defend, etc. At one point, she just laid back on the bed and threw her hands in the air because I was sitting calmly in front of her looking at her as she attacked me. Apparently I have been a jerk forever around her family and her friends and she has just accepted it.
Best point during it all was when she was tearing me apart for not making decisions during our whole marriage and letting her make them all. She spewed for 2 or 3 minutes about how she used to feel bad about doing that to me, but that in the end, it was just my own F-ing fault. During her rant about this, I could feel my smile growing. When she finished, I said "Thank you for just saying it. You are exactly right." Her face was priceless. Truth is, I have fed her need to be in control with my own insecurities. This dynamic has been huge in our R since day 1.
Of course, 15 minutes after this, she talks to me like normal coming by me in the kitchen. And this morning, she initiated conversation about regular day stuff.
Whew. Long, draining night.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
