melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

[Underdog]

Wow, 25.... what a great post! Awesome suggestions and reminders and all with logic and no fatalism. Sure hope Melissa takes your message to heart.

On the 2nd one, Melissa, I know you are a lawyer, but not sure what kind of law you practiced. But it probably means you can go the mediation route first since nothing is decided? My XH and I did not file - we used the entire 2 years he wanted from me, but we engaged a family law mediator 6 weeks into our separation. It really was not a predecessor to divorce - in fact, I think it really helped our situation. We used him to set up arrangements that were essentially rules of engagement. We set up parenting time, child support terms and finances, holidays, vacations and took care of other details to fill in the missing pieces.

I think he'd agree with me that it allowed us the chance to breathe, and to know what was expected of both of us so we could take care of the family as a whole going forward. And you know what? It worked so well that eventually we threw out the rules and just created a system that works for all of us. We still have legally binding rules per the decree, but we work so well together that they are not necessary.

So I can highly recommend going that route. If you read posts of others here, you can readily see that some of these poor folks from both genders are traumatized down the road by not doing this now. This is especially true, given that you said your H earns a healthy income.

I think I mentioned to you earlier on that the state of Colorado would balk at how little time your H spends with those kids. Even the mediator spoke up to me and my XH that he deserved to have them every other weekend - from Friday after school to Sunday evening. We added in weekdays because I work full time and it gave him the chance to have a say in their daily routines and to enjoy the benefit of being their father more than every other weekend. The state's official position is that the KIDS deserve to have access to both parents all week long, all month long - and the studies show that THEY fare better when the time spent with both is relatively even. Obviously, if the spouse is abusive or addicted, those rules fly out the window, but your H is neither.

I know you're afraid to let go of what you want, but I encourage you to do that. Melissa, by design, our role as a mother/parent is to help our kids develop skills and use resources to grow up and survive on their own. To encourage them to foster their Rs. To teach them how to navigate situations that are unpleasant or hurt. And I can tell you from experience that I'm not the best let-er-goer. Just ask my D19 about her senior year in HS. You spend 18 years building them up for that moment. It's YOUR responsibility to foster their growth.

In addition to teaching them that they have the RIGHT to love both you and their dad, you get the break necessary to indulge in caring for yourself.

We might have touched on this earlier, but all my time in IC and on this board has taught me that resentment builds when I'm not taking care of myself but I expect others to do so. Learn how to build yourself up in those times when you don't have the kids.

I can honestly speak that my XH and I were horrible at this when we still lived together. We both have admitted that had we done this for each other all along, our R might have had a different outcome. Instead, we castigated each other and labeled each other as selfish for needing a little time to ourselves. I never took it, and he took too much. And we resented each other so much. It was so unhealthy and unbalanced.

And for the record, having this routine gave my XH the chance to more readily examine our situation rather than allow him the opportunity to distract himself by details that were hashed out by the mediator. My XH had/has plenty of stuff from his childhood to deal with. Then a year into our separation his mother (with whom his R had been contentious and strained since I had known him) died. I knew then that it was going to send us to divorce - because I knew that he was not going to be ready to process US because he had to process HER. And I was right. So take advantage of what this process affords you.

After all, you want him to come back to you whole and healed, right? And the only way he'll come back is if you're whole and healed, and if you demonstrate compassion and empathy towards what he must be feeling to have felt he had no other choice than to leave. And as someone who wanted to walk herself, I don't think they consider themselves selfish. I think in some cases, it's self preservation. It must be sheer agony to feel that you have no choice but to leave. Try to put on his glasses for a second to see how he might view his life.

And 25, I'm also a big proponent of knowledge is power too. You can made educated decisions based on fact, and I find that I allay my anxieties when I have options. Sometimes it happens that you have to choose the worst of bad, but most of the time, by dealing with stuff from the top of the deck, I can do a pretty good job. As long as I know what I need to know beforehand.

Okay, I am really backlogged and need to get back to work.

Take care-

Betsey