wife hardens heart-6

[labug]

Awww Planet, you don't know that any action of yours would have made a difference so let go of chastising yourself.

XW is responsible for her emotional outbursts.

If she's threatening people with physical violence what are your choices of action?

[planet]

I don't know. I can't think right now.

My D4 didn't want to hug me before I leave. My D4 may revert to avoid me again. I didn't start the fight. I didn't even raise my voice.

Her actions not only hurt me but hurt my children as well.

I do not want to put my parents through her hell so she may well better. That's her words. She may not allow my parents to see the kids even after the meeting.

We've been in a R for 10 years and I couldn't even think of a person she respects enough to arbitrate. Her aunt and uncle would be the best people but XW would choose to hate them if they ever sides me. I know this woman well enough.

I should have walk away instead. What do I want to explain anything at all? So stupid. So stupid.

[planet]

Things have gotten so screwed up that there isn't a remote possibility of a reconciliation, isn't it?

If I allow the meeting to go through, everyone gets dragged through the mud. XW vows to kick up a fuss every time I take my kids to my parents if this doesn't gets resolved.

I asked her what is her goal in having the meeting. The only thing she wants out of the meeting is to show her parents and family her 'hurt' and 'mistreatment' at the hands of my family. The same intention back in january last year when she insisted in having sis's bf and bro's gf to be present and bear witness.
I talked to them afterwards but none of them really think its much of a big deal but of course it didn't happened to them so they felt ambivalent.
I talked to counselors as well. They felt the same thing but they are not XW and certainly not at the receiving end so they don't know.

Of course with added threats of violence and her current emotional unstability, there's no telling what she might do or might not do.

I'm not afraid of XW but think of the emotional scars that will be embedded in each ones mind as the outcome of the meeting. The possibility of them passing it onto my kids is too frightening to bear. It takes an enlighten DBer to process that and forgive.
I'm sorry but I have seen such extremes in XW before. That's before she's a WAS and now she's psychotic.

I can't compel XW to do what I wanted and sometimes boundaries I set for myself gets crossed over. I was counseled to have flexibility to realign boundaries when the time comes. Cross bridges when needed. Put my kids first to save guard my time with them without much hindrance or blockages from XW.

Her words to my kids just before I leave yesterday...
'Go n hug your father before he scolds me.'
She's implying nonsense to my kids without thinking much of her own words. I was in disbelieve and so hurt by that. I never spoken ill of her to my kids intentionally or otherwise. In fact, I don't bring her up at all.

There's something I could learn from this episode. Maybe it's for me to learn to be patient and calmer or perhaps to stand up for myself continuously. Think before I speak.

[MrBond]

DO NOT have the meeting with her and your family. If she demands it, tell her that you do not have to do anything that she demands and that you will not further validate her anger of your family. Plus that she will not use your children as bargaining chips and that as their father, you will be coming up with an amicable schedule for equal time between the two of you and that they will not be controlled by her an her BF any longer. Start putting your foot down.

The way you do it is calmly by looking at her DEAD in the eye and speak calmly and coldly to show you mean business. No yelling, no arguing. State your case and walk away.

[planet]

Thanks MrBond.

I don't think it achieves anything at all myself. It's going to screw up familial relationship between the young and old.

XW herself resents hearing how hurt her mother was by her paternal grandmother. I myself wouldn't like hearing how hurt my father was while growing up continuously. So it's probably not good idea for anyone to lay resentment on the shoulder of others.

I plan to speak to her again on reaching amicable solution to this stalemate. Perhaps after Chinese New Year.
This time I'm going to be very careful.
As of now, visiting my children is not effected.

Is reconciliation on the cards?
Is there cause to 'hope' again?

[MrBond]

"As of now, visiting my children is not effected."

Yes it is. SHE has all the control. You aren't even allowed to have the children overnight. They spend all their nights listening to your W and OM together. Is this how you want it?

"Is reconciliation on the cards?
Is there cause to 'hope' again?"

Forget about that for now. Take things one step at a time. She's bullying you. Stand firm.

[planet]

Was thinking this morning....
'Why am I divorced?'

I don't drink.
I don't gamble.
I don't flirt around.
I listened to her whenever she wants to talk.
I'm not a fantastic father but not a terrible one either. I mean I took care of the kids, put them to sleep, give them baths, feed them, talk to them, etc..
I give my all, financially, to W
I'm not unkind.
I'm not lazy.
I don't say bad things about other people.

Am I such a terrible person that XW is so repulsed that she no longer wants me?
Do I have some really bad character flaw that she feels divorcing me is the answer?

I noticed every time XW talk about our failed marriage, she almost immediately lays all problems on my mom. Maybe 80% of the time. The rest would be my fault and sis's. Now she even blames bro for defending mom.

I know we've talked about 180 changes very early on.
I'm not particularly a sensitive person.
Not Casanova.
I'm quiet.
I'm an introvert.
What else I'm not noticing? XW is not very clear on my faults and character flaw.
Do I need to dig deeper?

[labug]

It takes 2 Planet.

You're heading down the wrong road. It's not your fault.

[Spartan]

I agree with labug and Mr. Bond.

Stop blaming yourself for M and start standing up for yourself and your time with kids. I personally think kid time is the most important thing I ever fought for.

And I would not even consider having this meeting with your family. I can't see it accomplishing anything positive for you.

[AnotherStander]

What else I'm not noticing? XW is not very clear on my faults and character flaw. Do I need to dig deeper?

Not necessarily. It's not all about what the LBS did wrong, much of it is about the WAS and their unhappiness, and their blaming all that unhappiness on the LBS. We talk about doing 180's because it's an opportunity for us to become better people, but the WAS has just as much work to do as we do if not more. They have to learn the LBS is not why they're unhappy, and they have to face their internal demons and learn and grow from it.

Remember that your 180's are for you, not your W. They may attract her back eventually, but they may not. If they don't it doesn't mean they're not working, it just means she's not addressing her issues.

The WAS needs to pursue their own journey separate from the LBS. Sometimes they just refuse to make that journey and go through life bitter and unhappy bouncing from one R to the next. There's no predicting what they'll do. So make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave and be content that you've done what you could do.