RT, how did you manage to let go of the anger and resentment I am sure you must have felt about your W's A and everything she put you through for so long?
How did I let go? Well, before I talk about my detachment, I need to emphasize that I am not "over" the A and neither is my marriage nor my W. There is a lot of work for each of us as individual's and as a couple to do. Years worth I'm anticipating.
So letting go of the anger and resentment... Not easy. And I haven't completely. Forgiveness is daily. Each time I have a trigger or a mind movie, which have increased again since W moved home, but I think that's probably normal, after all, W is my single biggest trigger right? The goal for me is not to "let go" of those uncomfortable emotions, but to transform them into something positive. I've got to go though them and feel them, no way around it, but waaaayyyy back on one of my earlier threads, I made the proclomation that I wanted the pain I felt to mean something and to have a redemptive purpose. I believe that pain not transformed is transferred and that if I have to feel it and go through it, I want the pain to have a purpose and a meaning in my life. Anger and resentment are secondary emotions. They are the reflections of unprocessed pain and unfaced fears.
The PAIN has been the realization that my W hurt me. Knowingly. The truth that my marriage was not ok and that I had some part in that.
The FEAR was that I would be alone. Not that I would lose my W, but that I would be alone and unloved by anyone.
I have spent a lot of time pinpointing these two things.
Well now, I have a choice. Go the route of bitter, vengeful, unforgiving betrayed spouse, which was my first instict, but where would that get me? What did I want?
I want be happy, strong, to grow. And I want to save my marriage, to make it better. To make it what it should have been all along.
I've also had to accept that W and I are two completely different people who process emotions in different ways and at different speeds, with different points of view. Giving up the very stong need to control and manipulate the way my W perceives the A and everything after it has been difficult but also eases the anger and resentment.
When we finally do reach MC, I think that will be the time for me to revisit those angry memories and resentful feelings and pull them off the shelf. Part of truly processing them in terms of the health of my marriage will be to come to a place of trust where I can share them with W without fear of retaliation or W running away. She's not ready for that. She's not strong enough. She already told me so by asking for time for IC and I am respecting it.
So I focus on what I can control and deal with today. My own self-esteem, my GAL, my DB'ing, my 180's, my family and in-law relationships, my work, my studies, and my forgiveness.
The more I focus on these things, the lighter the "anger and resentment" box seems on the shelf of "to-do's."
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
