SP, so sorry to hear about your niece, that's terrible
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
I have exchanged a few text messages with W. She sent me a happy new year, and she shared her condolences for my niece passing.
Sometimes we become so jaded to the possibility that our spouse can ever change from the "stranger" they've become that when baby steps happen we tend to brush them off as a fluke. Look at where your W was a few months ago, what you describe here is HUGE progress!
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She stated that she wished she could be of support to my family. While I did appreciate the gesture, it just hammered home the reminder that she is no longer part of our family unit.
You're taking these strong, positive steps on your W's part and trying to find the dark cloud rather than the silver lining!
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She has posted on several FB pictures of my niece and my father (who passed away shortly after the birth of D7), saying that she has been thinking about them a lot lately.
There used to be a saying on these forums that I haven't heard in a long time, but it went something along the lines of "the LBS is the first person the WAS distances from and the last person they get close to again." In other words, the WAS first pushes away the LBS and then family and then friends. When they come out of the fog it goes in reverse order, they first reach out to friends, then family, and finally the LBS. Again, this is huge progress.
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On one hand I feel happy that she still cares for my family and I, but on the other hand it angers me for some reason that she is including herself.
Focus on the positives.
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In one of her texts, she made a point of stating that she is the same person she has always been and that my family will always be her family. I care to disagree with that, though I would never share those feelings with her.
I'm starting to think you could win 3 million in the lotto and you would complain that it's not 6 million! Seriously, focus on the positive steps your W is making!! Quit trying to twist everything into bad news!
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She is NOT the same person she used to be.
Old news. None of our WAS's are. But that doesn't mean she'll always be that way.
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At one time she was my life partner, my support, my friend.
Your codependence is showing. What have YOU become? How much stronger will YOU be in your next relationship whether that's with her or someone else?
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I know how selfish that is of me, but those are the feelings that come over me.
And your feelings are of course valid, and I don't mean to downplay them. But I think you tend to focus too much on negative things. Perhaps if you start focusing more on the positives then your feelings will be better ones.
Originally Posted By: Positivespin
The separation/divorce is the greatest personal failure in my life.
Ive learned that my dreams of getting my wife back were partially based on my ego.
When I get her back it proves im better then OM When I get her back it proves im that great a person When I get her back I prove that im not living in Fantasyland When I get her back she will once again admit she f'd up When I get her back I will have been right
But i believe it was AS who kicked my arse one night and told me that I lost my best friend...she isnt coming back. If my W did come back, she may look like her.....but it wont be her.
Are your dreams of her coming back really just bruised ego?????
AWESOME instrospection in that post! And I think that was me that said that about her being gone, but hopefully I also clarified that even though we lose our old spouse it doesn't mean we can't have a new R with the person they become. They're growing and changing just like we are, but on a different timeline. Sometimes they emerge better people too, and sometimes LBS's report having a better R than ever before after reconciling. It's not always that way unfortunately, but it happens often enough that it's worth hoping for.
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
When I got home from work today, W had left a condolence card in my mailbox. She added a personal note saying, she was sorry for my loss and that my niece was a great person. She ended the card with, "I will always be there for you if you need me".
Wow, that's HUGE. No way your W would have reached out to you like that even a month ago.
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I felt like sending her a text saying, "I wish that were true, because your daughter and I have needed you for a long time now. Where have you been?"
Instead of that how about "Thank you for the note, I can't tell you how much it means to me. That was very kind of you."
