'I don't want to be a wimp about things so is there a middle ground here? Some way to approach things showing her that I will not be walked-on yet I will be there to help?"
Stop with the wanting to help her. Just from what you said SHOWS you are a rescuer. I'm surprised you seemed surprised your C told you that. Leave her be. What you're going through isn't close to someone being walked on. There are many others here who are being treated worse.
"I know she needs to own up to her part in the M failing."
No she doesn't. She may never do this. Stop trying to control what YOU think she NEEDS to do. The only person you can control is you.
"I know She has to be her own person. But it is frustrating to me because I truly didn't think of it as rescuing, I thought it is what a husband does for his wife and future family."
There is nothing wrong with helping your spouse. Stop making it sound like it's a bad thing. The problem is that your W is blaming that as a reason she's not "independent". That's her self-talk. Just stop saving her.
"I know she waits for me to act because of another thing she said the day I moved back."
Mindreading. Most WAS's say that. They aren't usually the ones to initiate any action. They just want out of what they perceive is a bad situation.
"Is there something I can do or not do to help her start think about her part in this mess?"
It's comments like this that make me wonder if you actually read DB or DR. Have you?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
