Well, ok, now you know - I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that he was having an affair with this woman long before he moved out, and that THIS was the true impetus for him moving out, nothing to do with you.
A look back at old phone records might be enlightening.
Not that it changes things, except you might look at his criticisms of you through a different lens - yes, we all have things we need to change about ourselves, but I'm pretty sure he's blowing smoke up your hoo-haw when he tries to justify why he left - he left because he was having an affair.
dx ... I am not one of the pros around here, but I think all of them would advise you seek out legal counsel. If you disapprove of the children being around the OW (and it sounds as though you do), a lawyer may be able to help you draft the appropriate paperwork to prevent that from happening.
Please remember that right now your h is focused only on what makes him happy and is not focused on what is in the best interest of the children. Unfortunately, you are going to have to find a way to carry that burden alone.
I will let the pros chime in from here.
2t2m
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
KML is spot on. There's a lot he hasn't been telling you most likely. What you can see from the short time you've been made aware - the story and the truth will come out over time. It always does.
The question is what about you? What are you going to do?
For starters, the accusations. You do realize that if he couldn't accuse you of things, he couldn't detach right? That doesn't make them true or valid. But if there is any truth in the things he's said or going to say, discern that for yourself. If you hear something about you that you don't like, then take the action - for YOU and YOU alone. Not for him.
No matter what you do, it won't change him. You have to live for you and you only and if he comes back then you can decide what you want to do then. Many do, but not until long after the LBS is done with them. Remember that so that you can work on you and know that anything you do to get him back will be ineffective and likely backfire.
You did NOT cause this. I don't care what he said, he made his own choices and you did not cause this. UR said the same and if you read Cadets links, you'll see much of the same. From what you described, he is in his own little world. Truth doesn't matter to him right now. Perspective means nothing.
Trust him? I don't advise that. I doubt he trusts himself at this point.
Take care of you. Take care of the kids. Know that you are not alone - we've walked in your shoes. Read Cadet's links. You'll be glad you did.
And know that the thinking about them etc goes on for a while. Until you've had enough. The sooner the better, but in your own time. You'll have to let him walk this one alone and see what happens down the road.
It gets better dx.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks so much, all. I don't know how you get the energy to do all the things like check into professional help (like lawyers), on top of doing more of the care for the kids yourself and continuing to try to do my job, since I need to support us virtually on my own now that he has his own separate apartment. Yes, he gave me some "support" funds last month - but not enough to sustain and - it does not seem to occur to him that it might be financially difficult for us both individually now that he has obtained for himself a new 3 BR apartment with basement and fireplace and new furniture - and I need to maintain our own 4 BR home on my own? I don't know how the math is adding up in his head...
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
Call TOMORROW and make an appointment with an attorney. You need to file an order for temporary support ASAP. Do not count on your H to "do the right thing" - he won't. Right now he's spending money on HIS new place that may be coming out of YOUR share of community funds. See an attorney and protect your rights.
Too many women stall on this step, hoping that if they don't make waves, the WAS will come home. It's a big mistake. Protect your and your children's financial issues, asap. The attorney can also give you a rough idea of what you can ultimately expect in terms of child support, alimony, etc. You need to start making financial plans now, BEFORE you get behind on the mortgage or in debt.
Call tomorrow. This is the business end of things. Protecting yourself financially will not prevent him from coming home, if he's going to. Financial reality may hit him in the face and make his fairy-tale escape seem a little less attractive. Stand up for yourself and your kids and get what is due to you.
Hi, sorry you're here. Here is one of the best places to be though. Lots of experience and lots of support.
Your husband has moved fast and with stealth. PROTECT yourself.
Find out if your state frowns upon adultery. Believe me, you already have proof, and this is paramount when it comes to support, and custody.
Go through the charge card bills, online, paper, and gather as much info. as you can.
Stop beating yourself up, two arguments...HA! You must have been an angel! If that is the only thing!
Stay calm, funny, if you knew me you'd say uh suuuure! Set some goals.
Look at how much you all spent a month, the kids needs, household expenditures and get in to file a Pendente Lite. THIS is imperative, for you have minor children.'
You can still DB , stay your best, but get in and protect you, your children and your home!
This affair started in deceit, it has a strike against it already. Don't confront him about her, let it play out...it will. You will become the other woman, and she has to compete with you. You have the history, you have the family, you are going to be his best friend!
He still wants the family...SHE does not have this! Start reading about boundaries, cake eating, pursuing and withdrawal.
If you can manage it, start or continue to exercise, and do something on a regular basis just for you. You will need the energy to be there for the kids and to be your best.
Let him have the kids on a regular basis...without you...eventually the honeymoon will be over and the reality will set in. Your daughter knows YOU are her mom, and she will see that she is not.
Start a journal of happenings, for you and for your atty.
You will find proof of his infidelity and this will not bode well IF it comes to something down the road.
The more approachable you are, the more you will be an awesome person. You will show your children that you aren't ugly, but if you feel sad, or angry, do not lie to them. Be honest and try to model healthy release of these emotions.
You can do this, we are here to help, and to support your decisions. Best advice I was given, WAIT 24 -48 hours before responding and try NOT to react.
This is tough, crappy, unfair, seedy, all the adjectives that are in your head. You did not create this, you are not to blame . This is his behavior, and issues. Given time it will hit him...hang in there and like everyone said...find out your rights!
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
These people have walked in your shoes and now walk with you down your path. Get a lawyer, know your rights. Do that tomorrow. Read golfmom's thread if you think otherwise.
A lawyer is no animosity. It is being a mama bear and valuing you. Do you understand? It has nothing to do with your h and everything to do with you and your kids. No action has to be taken ,but you need a course of action, some knowledge and a set of brass ones should it become necessary.
If you can go back 2,000 posts you can see it was one of the very first things I did, to know my rights. I saw a lawyer. H was not happy, but it calmly explained that I needed to know mine and our children's rights. How I would be proceeding.
My h got a gf shortly after BD. Don't kid yourself, he would have been in an affair, I believe, if I hadn't called him out on his unhappiness and ask him to leave.
If you don't feel your kids should be around the sleepover friend, then say so. I also have a non confrontational H, which leads to its own challenges.
You need to read DR
You need to GAL
180s. No more " selfish pig" or " engineered phone calls". Give me two ways you could have handled these two situations differently. What looks like one kind of behaviour to you most likely looks totally different to your H.
Get a lawyer sweetheart. I waited far to late and it cost me dearly. They will take funds to support themselves. WAS's don't care. The math is not in their head because they don't care. Debt will grow. Protect yourself. He is irrational as demonstrated by his lack of judgement with his GF and your kids. He's an idiot. Look after yourself and your babies. It will work out. I have had 3 years of pain but it is working out now. Just took me a while to get on the rails. Wish I protected myself sooner. And as others have said, this has nothing to do with you or who you are. They will make you the bad one to justify themselves. You are awesome and you can do this.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
DX, I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. It's so very hard and gut wrenching to say the least. Everyone is giving you great advice with the best intentions from their own experience.
The road seems overwhelming but take it one step at a time. You will find your way.
My humble advice, read DR and DB. Read other threads here. Focus on the 37 rules, come up with one GAL activity a week just for you, and think of what 1 or 2 180's would look like based on your knowledge of your marriage pre-BD and implement them now..
There is a lot of advice to get a lawyers advice. You really should. Even in my sitch, as soon as W moved out and in with xOW, I acted quickly to separate finances and protect myself.
Now the affair has ended and W moved home to try to reconcile BUT she blew through a lot of money that xOW helped her spend! My paycheck, benefits, 401K, credit cards were safe from that.
This is a hard time. The hardest thing I think some of us ever go through. Be gentle with yourself but clear and purposeful in your actions. You're very early into this journey and the surrealness and shock of it all can still tap you on the shoulder from time to time. Just know that it gets better... If you stay focused on you.
Sending you love and light. ((((HugsToo))))
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
