Ok, I know I'm going to mess this up, but I would like some help. I know that many of us on these boards live with our spouses while the spouses engage in EA/PA. This is a boundary of mine. I don't want to be in a relationship with my H if he continues his PA.
The problem is that my H continues to lie to me about it. (Busted by my snooping....I know, I know) If he lies again, I would like to ask him to leave. I don't want to live under the same roof as a lier and a cheater. I know that many of my feelings are normal, but my actions are against DB. Both of our counselors have advised us to tell our D15 about H affair so that she can understand why our household has been turned upside down and to hold H accountable for his actions. I know this is also against DB, but right now, he's cake eating as far as I'm concerned.
The household, our reputations, friendships are all maintained and he gets to have OW to hold and have intimacy while I sleep alone every night. I could not snoop. I could go on as if. I could do my best PMA, but the only thing that would keep me from enforcing my boundary would be me turning a blind eye to the obvious.
So, my choices are
a) Turn blind eye, in essence tolerating the A and hope it ends and H comes back to family
b) Continue to snoop and torture myself. See the evidence of the A and act on it. Ultimately forcing him to make a decision which may not be in my family's favor or
c) ?? What are my other choices?
I wish I was better at this. I do all of the DB stuff, but knowing I am being lied to is awful and I don't feel like I can live with it. I feel like I deserve so much better than this. Do I have to stop snooping and pretend like the A is not happening?
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
I don't think any of this should cause us to violate our own personal ideals or integrity. if you feel that this is your boundary (personally, I couldn't do that either) then you should say something IMHO. Just my 2 cents.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Hey if you read the post I just wrote you know I am right there with you. Both of our H have said similar things about having no feelings for us. . Marriage is already over. .. etc. I am mind reading here,I know, but for my H I think it is how he rationalizes that he is not cheating.
We are truly separated but living in same house. No formal agreement but there are a lot of boundaries built in. This morning I made a green smoothy and he wanted a taste but then said no because I had already taken a sip. Give me a break. We were together 12 years. Even with the current state of things I think in the back of my head I want your opinion a. For him to give her up and want to do whatever is needed to be a family again.
Your sitch is different in some important ways. 1. She has outed him so he may lie about extent of A but he can't deny it happened. 2. Your H (at least on the surface) seems to be confused about what he wants. He wants his freedom and he still wants to be involved in family activities. In this muddled sitch the boundaries are not to force him to make any decisions but to protect yourself emotionally. Is he still going to MC with you? That may be a safe place to discuss boundaries.
You know you need to stop snooping. You know what is going on. Why torture yourself more. If he really does end A then he has to prove it to you.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Hey guys-Making some tough decisions right now. I'll post soon
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
