Newbie needs help:husband left Saturday

[dxw689]

Well, I finally have a private moment to provide an update of an (unfortunately) eventful holiday season until now. I cannot believe how my experience continues to echo those of others on the board, to the extent that others warned me of what was to come. On Thursday, Jan 2, my 8 year old daughter came home from only her second night at my husband's new apartment (together with her brother as well), and said "Mommy, did you know there's a girl sleeping in Daddy's bed at his new apartment?" I had such a hard time believing that this was happening, that she knew it, that she was delivering the news to me instead of my husband prior to it happening, that I asked her if she was talking about her Barbies. But no, the husband's new girlfriend plays Barbies with them, but they all had a sleepover together. When I told my husband that this was inappropriate, that we need to be able to co-parent our children together for the rest of our lives, and that he should not be using his 8-year-old daughter to tell me this before talking with me about introducing his new love interest into our children's lives, he said he heard what I was saying, but felt that on his nights with the children, he could do what he pleased and that he wanted them to meet her. When I asked why he could not discuss this with me first, he said, "well, I guess I knew you wouldn't like it".

This is exactly the adolescent kind of attitude I read so much about on the midlife crisis boards. I have desperately wanted to avoid getting a lawyer, because I feel it only escalates the animosity. Even now, I have tried talking to his mother and step-sister in an attempt to try to get someone else to see his behavior and decide whether they have an approach to get through to him independently of me to protect our children. My work is also extremely busy and stressful right now, so I am trying to maintain my composure. Over the long weekend, ( I stayed home with the kids on Friday due to snow) I was having an extremely difficult time emotionally, but I am beginning to feel some detachment now. I was just beginning to get there prior to this latest development, but this threw me back into turmoil. She was there again at the latest visit on Saturday the 4th. My son (11) feels some sadness, but my daughter just thinks she is nice and has fun playing Barbies. I told my husband that I was considering that we should all go to family counseling, but I doubt he would come and the marriage counselor was a disappointment, so I am somewhat disillusioned: In a way, it is yet another stress for the kids. In addition, we are somewhat unusual to date in families in this situation in that my husband and I are very pleasant to each other in front of the kids, went to family functions together over the holidays, and he also continues to bring the kids back to my house after school when I work later and we have had dinner all together two nights this week due to each of us having to drive one child to a separate activity after dinner. I thought about how to achieve some boundary by having my husband take my son back to his place after school prior to activity, but the kids want to be together, and my husband suggested lingering over fast food with my son, which does not seem like a good option either. So far, it seems to me the best option may be for us to eat together, although that may be confusing for the kids. There are no good options! I continue to try to sift through day to day.

Many thanks for all your kind words of encouragement. Peace to you all in the new year and any advice is much appreciated. I have not sought lawyer or family counseling yet: Those of you with experience, please feel free to chime in.