Moving In

[adinva]

She was saying she is just fed up with him and his glassy eyes and lying and , low motivation and wanting to sleep all day, adding sarcastically that if he wants to smoke pot she'll ship him off to CO so she doesnt have to deal with him. She doesnt actually know anyone in CO.

She was just ranting.

The boys have been debating with me since last summer, jokingly, if we're out driving or something. They think it should be legal, its fun and harmless they think, and the law is stupid. They notice the news about states legalizing and considering legalizing. If only they applied the same interest to algebra.

I know, and they know, that wouldnt make it legal for 15 year olds.

Sorry those of you inCO are watching your beautiful state reduced to a caricature in the press. I hope that dies down. Virginia's a gun totin' state so that' part of it is no big deal to ppl here.

Thanks for the hugs. I was needing a little compassion at the moment.

[labug]

Here's another ((( )))

That does svck. The powerlessness is the worst part, or at least that's my experience.

[adinva]

Interactions with STBX are weird.

He came over to pick up the boys for his sister's Christmas, and I could not get S13 to get out of bed and get ready on time, so there was nearly an hour of me and him visiting in the kitchen.

Topic 1: how much is a safe deposit box at my bank. I don't know exactly because I looked into getting one when I opened my account and they had a waiting list so I didn't bother. I thought back then that I might need to secure some things outside the house because of our sitch, but that didn't turn out to be necessary. The reason for H's question was because he thinks I should take my $14K that he still has of my savings and put it in cash in a box to hide it when my S15 needs financial aid for college. I immediately felt resistance to (1) something that on first blush sounds unethical, (2) being told what to do with my money, (3) being included in his sense of a family under the umbrella of his paranoia which I do not share. That comes from topic 2.

Topic 2: H has a ton of money in cash not earning interest and appears to be planning to stick it in a box, including the part of it discussed in topic 1 that is mine. Reason: job insecurity. He can lose his job at any time and is afraid to invest or put his money into a retirement account because when he loses his job he won't be able to access it. I don't even try reasoning with him that if he loses his job he will have to get another just like the rest of us, because what is at play is his own anxiety and he has to address that as he sees fit. If that means sticking cash in his gun safe, that is what he needs to do. It doesn't mean I feel like I need to do that. I don't even HAVE a job after June and I'm not that worried that I won't find something better by then, I am as certain as I can be that I'll do everything I can and will patch together 5 jobs at Walmart and Starbucks if I need to but I will be employed. I will drive a cab all night, I'm sure they need people to do that. I can waitress. If I don't find the senior level executive job I need, I still won't be sitting on my butt pulling cash out of my mattress. I am not discussing these things with H because we are not a couple and I'm not responsible for his beliefs that I don't share, never was, but now I am free from having to live within them if it's not in my best interest. But anyway, job insecurity drives a lot of H's fears and behaviors.

By the way, there's a lurking suspicion that in addition to not being real happy in our marriage, perhaps leaving me is part of H's financial plan for the boys' college tuition. I really do believe he is capable of that. After all when we first discussed his proposed separation agreement, in which his total responsibility ends at high school graduation, I asked him what he felt his responsibility was for college expenses and instead of answering me he started talking about how some kids disown their families in order to show they have no support so they can get financial aid.

Topic 3: He gave me a check to help pay for the walkway repair I paid out of pocket for this past fall. In my state of confusion I'm happy to accept whatever, but I think ultimately he may rather call that child support and not a contribution to the home value, but what do I know. I'll put it in the mattress, er, bank, and we'll figure out where the chips all fall when I get my financial bearing on everything. It was really nice to get that check because it cuts a chunk out of the $6000 loss I took last year supporting the kids and utilities on my part time income.

Topic 4: I mentioned that I played with my friend's band last night. I try not to push conversation on him but was just shooting the breeze and was excited about the superfun time last night. He was animated and said that was cool and what equipment did I use. I use all equipment owned by the homeowner, who plays bass but has a basement full of high quality amps, speakers, mixer, mics and stands, drum set, keyboard, you name it. It's pretty incredible. I told H I had priced out some stuff and realized even one item was outside my budget, and he said I should just let him know anytime I need anything and he'll give me his. I need a mic though, which is the one type of thing H doesn't have, and he has guitar stuff which I'm not currently needing. So, like old times, it turned into a kind of argumentish conversation. Not in a way that an observer would notice, just simply that I can see when we talk how we tend to gravitate to opposite sides of a given topic and become sort of antagonistic.

He made a joke when he first came in and I was tempted to be annoyed that it was mean but it was funny so I let go of a genuine smile and laugh. The local brother and his wife asked me to pass a message through H to SIL that they couldn't make it because they were sick, and H said "Sick in the head, ha!" Not exactly stand-up quality but I tried to take the moment lightheartedly and just enjoy not thinking H is a jerk.

Back to the topics. Topic 5: H's coworker got fired. This on the subject of why H is concerned about his job security and why I should be too. But, the coworker left the country during sequester without the necessary preauthorization and came back and paid cash for two cars. Someone with that poor judgment in his position should not be in his position. Oh, and bragged about these things on Facebook. Like I said, really poor judgment. So, that story doesn't scare me about H's job security because H is very clear about the rules of his employment. If anyone was a perfect candidate for H's job (other than the fact that he once had a wife and kids) it would be H. You give him a rule, he'll follow it. In fact, another of my suspicions about why he left is that perhaps he viewed me as a weak link in his overall imperviousness for his position. Like Superman and Lois Lane, except that Superman loved Lois.

I guess that's all I have to say about today's visit. I'm going to try to make the most of my respite from being a parent this afternoon. I have a list longer than the available time, as always, and hope to clean my house, hit the gym, grocery shop, paint my nails, maybe play a little guitar, take a hike, and return my dead new fish to the pet shop to get a better fish. That one first. It was a gourami and though they're finicky they are so cool that I want to keep trying.

Also, my high school finally started posting on FB for our 30th reunion and I'm excited to plan for my 5-year visit to the midwest to see some people I love. That called to my notice that my status says married and I see other people don't have a status for relationship at all. I wonder if anyone knows if I can just take my status off without announcing it to people. I really hate those notifications "Joe change his relationship status to It's Complicated!!!" and would rather keep it Married unless I can do it without an announcement going out. Suggestions welcome.

[keep_going]

Ad -

Happy new year!
I am sorry to hear that your interactions with your H are still awkward. I understand a lot of what you are dealing with financially - I am also in that "figuring out" state and coming to terms with what my reality will look like once the D is final (who knows when that will be since H has done nothing since he filed in 9/12).

I was anxious about not finding a job, but like you, I was certain that I would figure something out, even if that meant going to Starbucks, Wallmart or doing whatever. I am sure you will find a good fit for you - because you will make it happen. That is just who we are - we deal with it and make it work.


As for the status change in FB, I also went from married to nothing because well, it just seemed ridiculous keeping the married tag when my H was posting pics with OW - lol...
I don't remember it sending any notification to anyone (I also hate those), so it should not be an issue, but perhaps others will chime in confirming or denying this.

I wish you the best for this year - I know you will be more than fine. I always read, but rarely post because I just see you doing so well, although I know it's not easy. I also always learn from you and since we are at similar stages in our process, reading about your sitch makes me not feel so alone.

You are a special person and bigger, better things will come your way.

(((((Ad))))))

[ces67]

From your post it doesn't seem like he's changing much. Maybe a little more cordial but still the same in mindset.

Does he ever bring up details about handing the divorce or do you all leave it for the lawyers to handle? You mentioned the finances above but has he explained what he sees happening with you all once the divorce is final or is he just assuming and plugging along?

[adinva]

KeepGoing, thank you so much. I feel less alone knowing you're out there too!

Ces, H isn't changing much if at all. He doesn't seem happy, he seems to do alone-type activities like running and biking. He's very close-mouthed about what he's up to. He's not getting along better with me, he's just not around as much so what little there is isn't so bad. That he can sit in the kitchen for a while and be pleasant is setting the bar pretty low for me to think that's any kind of interest.

We don't have lawyers doing anything, and he hasn't filed as far as I know. I think he's waiting for me to respond to the proposed settlement agreement he gave me in November of 2012. Meanwhile he's doing what he said he would do in it, paying the mortgage and attempting to see the kids every few weeks if they're willing. He has not explained anything to me since the time in November that we went paragraph by paragraph through his proposal so that I could understand what his position was. I'm not sure what you mean by what he sees happening with us once the divorce is final, so I guess the answer is "assuming and plugging along."

He said once that he wasn't in a hurry to get divorced, just to get the settlement agreement completed, but then he hasn't turned out to be in a huge hurry for that either. The context was he wanted to make sure if anything happened to him while he was working overseas that I wouldn't get anything he didn't want me to be entitled to. I think he's calmed down since then. That was in August 2011.

Things move slow in my world. Some other people's sitches take my breath away they move so wildly.

[RockJC]

Just caught up on your story. I hope 2014 brings you some closure.

[ces67]

I was just surprised he's asking about a family vacation with all of you together. Didn't know if he had discussed that as being part of the future routine. I hope slow works for your advantage.

[adinva]

I'm not that surprised. H acts like literally nothing happened. He just turned into a distant-friendly x. He also has seen that the kids go with him if I'm going or if I make them go.

He also didn't specifically ask me or not ask me, he just said there were enough miles to pay for everyone and we could stay with his relatives. When he says we he could mean them plus me or he could mean just him and the boys. It would be up to me to clarify that.

We have never discussed a future routine. All I have to go on is he asked in the separation agreement to be able to come see them a couple of times a week and get them some holidays and some part of summer. That has played out as once every few weeks so far. He suggested a few ideas to entice them on a trip last summer and the boys wouldn't bite, so I offered to go too just because it was painful to me to see what was happening. I don't think I'll offer like that in the future, was just trying to get us through transition and help break the ice.

There is no routine, everything is just being played by ear.

[adinva]

I find this a difficullt stage. I feel certain our marriage is over, and i am ok with that. My life is moving along not without him but with him in the role of xh father to my kids. I try to be considerate of him and i have no expectation of him. When he acts decently it is such a positive that others tell me aww he still loves you. That is sad to me, that his love was so tepid that just entering my house is what looks like love. I dont read it as love, i read it as trying to be a decent guy in the eyes of his sons. But people then tell me stories of separations of 1, 2, or more years where the spouses reconciled. I dont want to reconcile, and i dont want to be closed off to the idea that h could change either. It is a vulnerable and painful position. It would be easier to say fine i dont want you either and move on to other relationships. And i do say fine i dont want you either. I do. I say that he was abusive, emotionally unavailable, severely limited by issues he wont face, he was not a good husband and shows no sign of ever being able to be one.

I wonder if those separated 1, 2 years that reconciled also felt that done, that closed off to reconciling, before they reconciled.

I'm moving toward divorce, want to get the ball rolling, move on, maybe someday remarry. But until that happens, if there was a .000001% chance h wanted to try, i don't want to be the one who says no i'm not open to exploring that.

But i do recognize that's very unlikely, and if he was interested our odds would still be pretty low and the rebuilding would be hard. But it has happened.

That's a painful spot to be in, no hope, no expectations, and no predetermined outcome, no control.

I talked myself through this discomfort yesterday by focusing on now, not later. I just told myself "nothing needs to get decided right now".

That did actually help, and until something actually does need to get decided, it may help to return to that as a little mantra.

One of the things about that which i find uncomfortable is that this line of thinking looks like i havent moved on or havent dropped the rope or am having expectations of him. I dont think thats the case. So feeling like ppl here are going to say i'm not making progress because i feel this discomfort, makes me feel misunderstood. I cant go back, i am going forward, but i'm trying to accept what comes even if what comes is a chance at reconciling. Which i dont even want.

So, after discovering my mantra h came over and it didnt go well.

I'm under incredible work stress and needed an outlet, step aerobics sounded good but i had already let h know weds was ok for him to come over and bring/fix dinner. Because s15 wanted to go to the gym with me, i texted h. I said i had planned on a 6:30 gym class and s15 might go too, did he want to come over at 7:45?

He wrote back this "go to the gym"

So s15 invited a friend to the gym, the friend was at our house, and h shows up at 5:30 with ingredients to cook saying "did you go to the gym?" I dont think he read my mesaage carefully. I was in a quandary and thought i should bag it but s15 wanted to go, and didnt want to eat right before, and i really needed it, and i had told h so he could plan around it, and when we got back h was gone and s13 was in his computer room. So i guess h at least saw s13 for a bit.

Also. When h had just arrived he stood at the stove and hollered to s15 who was in his room with his door shut with his friend, on the opposite side of the house. I told h s15 will not hear you do you want me to tell him you want to talk to him? H said yeah so i went upstairs and told s15 dad wants you. S15 comes out and h starts in telling him he wants to tell him how to run a mile in 6:30 for lacrosse conditioning. I would not have interrupted s15 and his friend for yhat, s15 was pissy about it and said i dont need you to tell me how to work out and went back in his room. H is intrusive, he comes in and doesnt look at what others are in the middle of, he is the center of his universe. That conversation should have been started when they were all sitting together at dinner, or h should have tried to find a time to connect and talk, not yanked him away from his friend. My takeaway is i should have kept out of it, and let h holler from the stove and take it from there. I assumed he had something time sensitive and i got in the middle and shouldnt have. Old habits die hard. But i'm aware and trying to train myself better.

After the gym i texted h thanks for the food it was good ( he left us a serving dish full).

I'm also struggling with anger. I'm exploring some stuff on the ssm forum that is painful to recall and makes me feel really mad at h for not being who i needed him to be. Our marriage was so knotted up with dysfunction. It stirs up really bad feelings to recall certain events along the way. I suppose the other side of it was it was clearly no picnic for h either. I so wish we had been able to get some help way back when it started to go off the rails. But the pain, anger, rejection, unfairness comes back when i try to get involved in sharing what a was might have felt, i could have been a was for sure, and did once start forming an exit plan, but i didnt want a divorce and so i tried to make the best of things.

I need mantras to get me through the next couple of weeks. Nothing is going to happen in my sitch, and the kids and their school will survive. I need to focus on the present and be at the top of my game and not allow discouragement to take the wind out of my sails.

Todays mantra will be,

I dont know.