What a great thread. My WAS came home 6 weeks ago. I see the distance in his eyes. We are not emotionally connected like we should be. I know I need to be patient but I also know I want a great M and H knows that's what I want to.
Nothing major to report. We have been going thru the normal daily routine. I asked H if he would fill out the emotional needs questionare from the marriage builders website. I 1st asked him 3 weeks ago and then dropped it. So this time when I asked him he actually did it or at least part of it. H said he needs to finish it and then we can go over it tomorrow.
Well, I did take a quick peak at his. Yes, I know I shouldn't have. The jist of what he wrote so far is that I do things enough but not the way he wants it. Re: sex, housework, conversation, pretty much EVERYTHING. H has not filled out the narritive part of what I could do to meet this need better. I hope he will fill that part out.
One thing about my H is that he relies heavily on his feelings. H is not concrete about what we can do to make things better so nothing changes. I am doing my best to try to meet his needs. Have read the 5 LL, DB, DR, etc....
I am really at a loss as to whether we will succeed to having a Great M or a D.
I know that the only way he will love me again is if his needs are being met but will he be able to tell me what those needs are????
I think there is always hope. I too have asked my W to fill out the emotional needs questionare, but as of yet she hasn't. I have only brought up once, but its here on the coffee table for her to fill out. I hope she does sometime, because I have mine done and think it would lead to good discussion.
For your perticulat sitch, if your H is able to say you do things enough, but not the way he likes it, then he must know what he would like. Wait for him to complete it and come to you with it. He is probably taking some time to think about how he really wants his needs met by you. Remember we have been pining over things like this for sometime and are really aware of our unmet needs by our WAs because they became appearant when they left.
Give him some time to think about it. He's a man and will want to come up with solutions to fix it if he is really going to work at the marriage. Let him come up with the concrete methods you need to meet his needs, and then get to work.
I hope it leads to a good discussion between you to, keep us up to date on how it work (good and bad) because I am looking forward eventually to that discussion with my W.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
I know that the only way he will love me again is if his needs are being met but will he be able to tell me what those needs are????
Try not to make the filling out of the questionnaire a "make or break" deal. Sometimes, a person might not be able to sit down and fill out this questionnaire simply just because they don't know, or maybe aren't exactly sure what their needs are. Or maybe they're perfectionists, and want to make sure they do it right. Or, it takes them too deep into places they don't want to go right now. OR, maybe they they just hate to fill out questionnaires!
Instead, try mixing things up a bit with this. Experiment, and monitor your results.
Watch for their responses when you doing something that might fall into the "fulfilling needs" category. Did the way that you handled the situation seem to produce positive results, or did it maybe produce "less than positive" results"? If it worked, keep doing it. If not, do something different.
Also, try not to leave questions TOO open-ended. For example, instead of asking "What would you like me to do?", ask "Do you like it better when I do this", or do you like it better when I do that? The answer to this might not tell you exactly what they want, however, it could help lead you, and them, into a better direction.
Remember, not everybody really has a strong "definition" of what they're looking for to fulfill all their needs. Most of us are still searching. As well we should be!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thank you SO MUCH for your posts!! It's great to get a man's perspective, especially 2!!!
I am very quick and now exactly what I want. My H is not that way. H is a perfectionist and a dreamer. So your perspective was right on. I really needed to hear that.
I will not bring up the questionare again. I will wait to see what H does. I like your idea of monitoring the results. I have lost sight of that from DB/DR.
I do know, when I don't ask him questions in general, I do get positive results. I can tell he would like the house to stay cleaner; however, our kids are 3 and 5 yrs. old. But, I will try harder.
Quote: I can tell he would like the house to stay cleaner; however, our kids are 3 and 5 yrs. old. But, I will try harder.
Oh My Gosh! How the heck do you keep a whole house clean with kids that young??!! If you can figure out how to do this, DO write a book, and I think you'll have a best-seller on your hands!!
How about having "one" room that you can keep clean? Concentrate on this one, and put the others off to the side.
Which room would that be? Your bedroom, your bathroom, living room, etc.? What could be your "special room" to keep "clean"? Maybe the first one he sees, the last one he sees, or the one he spends the most time in? Which one room might make the biggest difference in his perspective?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks again! I would say, the kitchen and the bedroom and master bath are probably the biggies. I will make that my goal this week to really clean those rooms good!!
Surprise, surprise! Last night H and I went over part of the questionare! H did not fill out the what can be improved part but he did explain it to me. Basically, he doesn't have the emotion/passion for me when we ML. No surprise, but how do we get that back, I wonder???? H doesn't like to talk, he doesn't like to answer questions. H is interested in computers and music, I am not. I told H if he talked to me more about these things I would not ask questions, re: explaining stuff to me. As far as recreation, he likes movies and video games.
Your posted focused on sex and recreational companionship. Those are 2 of the ones listed, but did your H prioritize his top 5? I think the emotion/passion when ML can come from other needs as well. You have to work at meeting all of his top emotional needs.
It also may help to think about past experiences when you noticed he was really passionate and emotional. Think about what made him feel that way.
Another thing you could do is to try to create some of the passion by doing things and ask him if he likes what you did. Maybe he will open up then, just a thought.
The other thing I would mention is that men really enjoy feeling like there W are satisfied and pleased by them. Men NEED to feel and know this from thier W. I would really look into how your need for sexual fulfillment is being met, and also try to make a consious effort to let him know you satisfy him sexually if you aren't already doing so.
Just some thoughts, hope it helps.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
We did some of the questionare but not all of it. When I looked at his sheet he prioritized: 1) spiritual connection with partner 2)independence/freedom/autonomy 3) financial support 4)an attractive spouse 5)sexual fulfillment
What makes him passionate/emotional is striving towards success in terms of career/work/money. H does love our kids and I can see that in his eyes when he is with them.
I have been doing everything I can think of to meet his needs. I do think not asking him questions will help alot and hopefully that will help him open up to me more.
As far as ML, we always make sure we both have an It does take him longer now than it use to.
Quote: men really enjoy feeling like there W are satisfied and pleased by them.
I think that is a really great point. I have been validating, appreciating him, etc... for months now.
Is it possible to have the passion/emotional connection ever again after all of this?? H told me that we have never had that kind of connection. I beg to differ. You know, the believe 1/2 of what they say stuff....
Quote: We did some of the questionare but not all of it. When I looked at his sheet he prioritized: 1) spiritual connection with partner 2)independence/freedom/autonomy 3) financial support 4)an attractive spouse 5)sexual fulfillment
Nik,
If I remember correctly spirital connection and independence were not on that questionare, of course I could be wrong. The one I have is from Willard F. Harley Jr.
Anyway if this is true he came up with those on his own. Cna you give us more insight into his spirituality and the way he like independence and freedom. I am looking more toward the spirituality because the freedom stuff could be alien, you would know better.
How are you and your H spiritiually? Do you have similuar or diverging views on this? What is your spiritual relationship like?
Also it would help if you could spell out a list of the things you do to meet those needs above, and another with what you think your husband wants when he says those are his needs. It will take some guessing, but you are the one who knows him best.
One tip on teh independence/freedom thing. My W really needs this right now. I am actually letting her dictate when we see each other and do things. I sometimes make suggestions, but NEVER demands. Take a read about my night I posted earlier. I handled it in a way that made it her deal that she missed dinner and came home late, and nothing about me as I went on with my life and was only loving and caring. This had a big reaction from her and I can even tell she is feeling bad about it and doing some stuff to make it up to me. The more we get upset about them not being with us the more they want to be away.
I wish I could at least have this discussion with my W, I've put my needs on hold for now and wish she knew them.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
It does take him longer now than it use to.