I am sorry things didn't work out but I am glad you are going to file because you need everything in writing re: the boys so she can't jerk you around anymore and threaten your time with them. When you do your agreement, be sure to include every little detail (who is picking up, dropping off, where, what time, who gets what holiday, when you will trade them for holidays, who gets birthdays each year, etc.), you can always be flexible and bend to give her something you agreed you should have but better to give up something you have in writing than to try and get her to agree to giving it to you.
Sandi is right about the pictures. You don't even need to reply to her texts for a while, if you are busy with the kids you can just say "I was busy with the kids, I wasn't looking at my phone". Don't let her play her games. You are doing great!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Some good tips there LTH, thanks. I think I will have to find some sort of guide on what to ask for in case the L misses something or doesn't think of it.
Sorry Sandi, I forget people are still interested.
I'm finding that I'm spending a lot of time with friend. I feel like I'm learning the next stage of my sitch which is translating what I have learned to the very early beginnings of a possible relationship. I feel like I'm T1000 from 2007 but even better.
How do I make sure I don't make the same mistakes? Am I defective? Or has W just bludgeoned me with her b*tch stick too many times? A bit of both?
TUESDAY cont...
After I wrote my post I went for a run and then had a long bath. Friend and I starting texting. I picked her up and we ate at mine, watched a movie and then played Rapidough where you have to create something out of playdoh. It was such a laugh. I had got her a few bits for xmas, felt weird doing so but would have even weirder not doing. I'm getting quite good at listening, what I got her wasn't that expensive but it was tailored to her in a basket wrapped up. She said it was the best xmas present she had ever got. I don't know if that was just for my benefit or not but she seemed really made up with it.
WEDNESDAY
Christmas Day, woke up at 10:00, needed to be at my parents for just after 11:00. Felt fine. Got there and got some presents of my parents, opened them in front of my sister and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend says "What did you get for xmas T1000" I said "this" and gestured to the gifts I had just opened in front of him. It was wierd, when your kids aren't old enough, all brothers have agreed to only buy for the kids and you don't have a partner, there's not a lot of gifts to recieve. I was fine with that. It felt like a 2nd xmas day to me anyway after the one with the kids. Great meal, left at about 17:00 and went home to watch Sons of Anarchy. Sat on the sofa feeling a little sorry for myself. Friend was texting me asking how my day was and I was saying how weird it was not having the kids. She said somethings that gave me perspective about what I do for my kids. It was nice to read. I cried for 10 seconds and then I was fine.
Later on she asked me to pick her up. I couldn't be bothered moving and just felt like festering...so I got dressed and headed over. I'm learning...
On the way she asked me if I liked Mince Pies, I said no. Asked me if I liked Chocolate Cake, I said yes. She asked if I wanted to come in and have some...hmmm. Meet her family at xmas? I thought sod it, they are just people giving me an invite, don't over think everything T1000! Just as I was rounding the corner she sent me a video of the family, fairly drunk singing at the top of their voices...gulp, what am I walking into, again, sod it! Went in, met her sisters and brother in law, had cake, stayed for 45 mins and then we left. Went back to mine and chatted for a bit.....I took her home in the morning.
THURSDAY
After I dropped her off I was going to meet my family again for a big meal at a restaurant. When I got there my sister was winding me up because she followed me in and I didn't come from my house. Everyone thought it was very funny!
Left there and went home to watch the finale of Sons of Anarchy...wow, what an ending!
Saw friend again that night, dropped her off at work in the morning. I was supposed to be picking the kids up by meeting W at 10:00. I text W to see if it was still 10 and she said it would be more 11ish (nice to know she can move the goal posts when she wants to).
Kids were so glad to see me. Got stuck right back into their toys. I had them for 4 days, I haven't had them for longer than two days for months and months. Everywhere I took them they thought they were getting presents.
SUNDAY
Friend promised to cut my hair one afternoon, she came over and cut my hair while the kids played.
I would like a womens perspective on what happened next...she is trained as a hairdresser, you can tell she knows what she is doing. The job she did was great, it just wasn't really what I was wanting. I have grown my hair for 12 months now and she took more off than I would like. Granted I should have been clearer beforehand, I just have sat in front of a mirror etc etc. That's hindsight...or is that the only lesson? After she was finished I looked and didn't know how to repsond. It was a good job, but not what I wanted. She said "You don't like it do you?" I said that it wasn't what I was expecting. It was an awkward moment. She had worked hard to create something nice hoping to please me and it didn't. I could lie and pretend I like it just so she doesn't feel bad but that doesn't feel right. I could be brutally honest and say it's not what I want but it's already done and can't be changed.
I didn't have a plan on where I was going with my hair tbh. I do actually like it now, it's way easier to deal with it than it was.
How should I have dealt with it at the time?
After that we sat on the sofa. I was sat by her and S2 was sat by me. He started climbing over us thinking it was funny. She didn't mind at all and played with him a little. I had a strange feeling, something I never thought I would feel ever again...family. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying she will be my family or where we are going but experiencing that moment with her being so accepting of my kids and the kids being so accepting of her just as people, made me feel like I do have a possible future I thought was gone forever. It was more about the image of family than the actual people involved at the time.
W text asking of she could Skype the kids, as friend was there I told her it would have to be later. It ended up being that late that she couldn't and she said she would do it tomorrow in her usual demanding, I'm a piece of sh*t tone.
MONDAY
Took the kids to a new soft play area that has opened, they loved it, I loved it. When I have more money I will take them there quite a lot.
I hadn't looked at my bank account for a while and needed to check something. Loads of money had gone out!! After checking, the child maiantenace payement had gone and plus a bit extra because it's an "initial payment". A credit card W and I took out in my name 22 months ago came out of it's promotional state and the amount monthly has doubled, there is lot of money on it so I can't transfer it either, gulp.
I've sold a few things, I'm using my xmas money off my parents and in Feb & March I don't have to pay housing tax which should help. I can probably make it until mid Spring at the rate it's going.
My father has agreed to pay for the initial L fees. I tried to get an appointment but they were shut over xmas.
In October W asked if I was having the kids New Years Eve. I said I wasn't (she spat dummy out etc.). In theory that could mean that I was taking them back the evening before New Years Eve because New Years Eve is the actual day.
I text W at 16:30 to say we were in for the rest of the day and she can Skype if she wanted. She said no it was too late notice for her, she would see the kids tomorrow and I could "drop the kids of after 16:00ish!"I was going out that night, she expects me travel down late New Years Eve, so I have to drive back in busy traffic, get fed and get ready in time. Made me so angry! I text her back it "It will be earlier than that" that was it.
TUESDAY
Not heard from W. I was going to set off mid morning but I had stuff to do and the kids were playing well. Set off at 11:30. Got half way and fed them at the services. Text W:
Me: Feeding the kids at the services. Be there just before 14:00. W: Don't you mean 4! W: I'm not back and my parents are away. Me: No, I said it would be earlier. You better get back for your kids then. (I know I know, very negative, reacting not responding) W: I sent you a message saying..."Too late notice. I'll see them tomorrow. Any time after 4ish is good for me." Me: Yes and then I sent you one saying it would be earlier. W: No you did not!!!!!! W: Screen shot!!!! Me: Sending it now W: Well I've sent mine. Send me yours!!!! Me: Won't upload, poor signal W: (W's screenshot) Me: Just got yours now.
Me: Sent it. Me: Get it? W: I never got that....I'm not in!!!! You'll have to take them somewhere until I get back to town W: Gonna be at least an hr & 20mins Me: 14:30 at yours.
W: Stuck in traffic. Gonna be more like 3.
On the way to her house S4 said "Go back to Daddy's house". I felt so sorry for him but it was nice to hear. I haven't had them that long in ages and he wanted to travel all the way back with me. He hadn't been to W's for 12 days now.
Got to hers at 14:59, got the kids out of the car and walked up to her house. Wasn't there. Got back in the car and sat in the back with the kids. 5 mins later W and OM2 come strolling around the corner all relaxed as if they have walked back from town. I was fuming! I held it in, gave her the boys and left.
I was going out with my friend who separated from his W just before I did. In regards to himself he hasn't grown or learnt hardly anything at all and is going from new relationship to relationship but he is enjoying himself. In the 2nd bar his friend texted him to ask what he was doing. His friend seperated from his W after she strayed in May. I was in the same class at school when we were 13. He's a total mess. Listening about his life makes me really really glad I came here and had the support. He drinks bottles of wine every night and stews in his living room pining over his W, he has no life except when he has the kids. He complained about his W cheating and something really struck a cord with me, he said I can understand how she was stuck in a rut and bored with life, I was but I would never cheat. Just hearing someone say that being in a rut is part of life and his W should have accepted that too. I don't think she should have strayed but it's such a strange but familar mindset to accept a poor quality of life. I gave him a little bit of a pep talk, I found myself getting a bit too preachy so I let it go. I basically told him to do something with himself rather than nothing and become the man he could be. It sounds horrible but it made me feel better seeing where he was in life. It really opened my eyes to where I was, what I have been through, the place I'm at right now and the amazing life I'm starting to lead.
It was a decent night. I left the guys around 1:30 and happened to bump into friends Mom outside and she asked me if I had seen her daughter. I said no I think shes at home in bed now. She said I should phone because she would want to here from me. I phoned her. She was at home in bed. I asked her if I could pick her up (in taxi) she said no but I could come around if I wanted. I really wanted to go home, get showered and go to bed. Because that was my first thought I did the opposite, got a chinese and a taxi to hers and stayed there. We had a lot of fun!
WEDNESDAY Spent the day together and she bought Lunch/Dinner. Watched a movie then I took her home.
THURSDAY Back to work.
FRIDAY (today)
Booked my appointment with L for next Thursday.
So there's my nutshell of the last week or so. Happy New Year everyone!
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
T, it is wonderful when another female friend comes into your life. All of our worries and stresses disappear, but importantly our self esteem improves. We start realising maybe it wasn't us, or at least it wasn't all of us, that was the problem. Well done on the last week and best of luck with the new friend.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
T, man your W is a real piece of work! Demanding that you provide screen shots to "prove" that you sent texts? What are we, 12? Unbelievable! You're handling her continued craziness pretty well, just try not to get drawn into the vortex!
How do I make sure I don't make the same mistakes? Am I defective? Or has W just bludgeoned me with her b*tch stick too many times? A bit of both?
No, I sure don't believe you're defective! You M a crazy b!tch, what can I say?
I remember when I first caught up reading your thread, and I thought, "Man, open your mouth and show her you can make decisions yourself and your boys(that may not necessarily line up with what she wants or likes)". I think what made me see red so much was how easily she seemed to manipulate you. That year you were acting like a puppet, and staying at her place when she would say okay...or she sent you home with your tail between your legs b/c she wasn't horny enough, would cause me to see the entire rainbow! (ha)
I want to encourage you to check yourself, (and maybe even ask your brother to tell you if he notices you falling back into old patterns) and if you ever start getting back into that rut where you are like a passive robot who acts on somebody else's command. In fact, don't allow it to get to the "rut" stage b/c by then there will be problems.
I don't think I can even imagine what kind of number she did on your self confidence. But you've worked really hard to overcome and climb up to where you are now. Learn from the past R, but don't let it prevent you from moving into another one. I see how it could make you leery, but you are too big of a catch to just let you run around loose.
I know she can still get to you with that mouth of hers. Heck, she gets to me, too! I think you handle it better than me. (ha)
I have come to admire and respect you, T, and I'll have to say that when you are ready to leave the board, I will sure miss you around here. However, whenever you aren't busy GAL, you could be a lot of help to others on the board.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
