My feelings are still pretty numb. I have settled into a bit of a depression the last couple days. I think a portion of that may be due to Daughter going to stay with STBXW for her week. I had daughter for 8 straight days, while W was on vacation. When she leaves, is the hardest time for me. I dearly miss having her here with me.
Arrangements are being made for my niece. This is such a tragic loss for my family. I have been able to give my sister a little support. She has lots of friends and family as well. There has been a huge outpouring of condolences. My beautiful niece will be dearly missed by many.
I have exchanged a few text messages with W. She sent me a happy new year, and she shared her condolences for my niece passing. They were heartfelt I believe. She stated that she wished she could be of support to my family. While I did appreciate the gesture, it just hammered home the reminder that she is no longer part of our family unit. She has posted on several FB pictures of my niece and my father (who passed away shortly after the birth of D7), saying that she has been thinking about them a lot lately. On one hand I feel happy that she still cares for my family and I, but on the other hand it angers me for some reason that she is including herself. In one of her texts, she made a point of stating that she is the same person she has always been and that my family will always be her family. I care to disagree with that, though I would never share those feelings with her. She is NOT the same person she used to be. At one time she was my life partner, my support, my friend. She was connected to my family, and that is not who she is today, at least in those regards. I know how selfish that is of me, but those are the feelings that come over me. I really don't like the fact that W is sneaking back into my thoughts. I have had her in my mind non-stop for several days now. I really wish I could just move on and forget about her! She still effects my emotions somehow. I hate that!
Sorry for your loss SP, the passing of a loved one is tough.
Its great that she showed compassion toward your family, your still in her thought process. Be grateful for this and be thankful, just like a caring neighbor.
Not sure if you will ever get her off your mind but with time those feeling get less painful.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
The separation/divorce is the greatest personal failure in my life.
Ive learned that my dreams of getting my wife back were partially based on my ego.
When I get her back it proves im better then OM When I get her back it proves im that great a person When I get her back I prove that im not living in Fantasyland When I get her back she will once again admit she f'd up When I get her back I will have been right
But i believe it was AS who kicked my arse one night and told me that I lost my best friend...she isnt coming back. If my W did come back, she may look like her.....but it wont be her.
Are your dreams of her coming back really just bruised ego?????
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I don't believe it's my ego, PS. Don't get me wrong. I have a big one, and it has been royally bruised throughout this journey. However, my W truly was the love of my life.
I realize there has been so much damage, (the hurtful words, the harsh actions, the OM, the separation of friends and family), that a R would literally take a miracle. I do however, feel that we were meant for each other, at least at one time. We loved very strong and jumped through serious hoops to start our life together. I know it went sideways. I accept that. I know her feelings don't mimic mine, and I accept that as well, but it has NEVER made sense to me that it should have ended. The demise of our marriage will come with a great cost to all of us, Me, Wife and daughter. I only wish she could have seen that.
With that said, she is cooling towards me. I think some of the anger between us has lessened. She has lifted her "block" on FB that she had on me and several of our friends. She has started "liking" some of the pictures I put up of daughter. She is making an effort to be nice when we text about D. I am as well. I think that will go a long way towards co-parenting for the next 11 years. When I got home from work today, W had left a condolence card in my mailbox. She added a personal note saying, she was sorry for my loss and that my niece was a great person. She ended the card with, "I will always be there for you if you need me". I felt like sending her a text saying, "I wish that were true, because your daughter and I have needed you for a long time now. Where have you been?"...... It's just another sad time for me. Too many memories, heartaches and regrets. This too shall pass.....
Sorry for your loss SP, the passing of a loved one is tough.
Its great that she showed compassion toward your family, your still in her thought process. Be grateful for this and be thankful, just like a caring neighbor.
Not sure if you will ever get her off your mind but with time those feeling get less painful.
Thank you, Maritimer. Losing a loved one is very difficult. Death is only hard on the ones left living.
I don't think W will ever leave my thoughts, but perhaps she will. I've given up on predicting the future. Only time will tell.
We are working towards a friendly understanding of each other, which is great. I am not interested in being friendly neighbors, but maybe I can live with being cordial pen pals?
SP, so sorry to hear about your niece, that's terrible
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
I have exchanged a few text messages with W. She sent me a happy new year, and she shared her condolences for my niece passing.
Sometimes we become so jaded to the possibility that our spouse can ever change from the "stranger" they've become that when baby steps happen we tend to brush them off as a fluke. Look at where your W was a few months ago, what you describe here is HUGE progress!
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She stated that she wished she could be of support to my family. While I did appreciate the gesture, it just hammered home the reminder that she is no longer part of our family unit.
You're taking these strong, positive steps on your W's part and trying to find the dark cloud rather than the silver lining!
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She has posted on several FB pictures of my niece and my father (who passed away shortly after the birth of D7), saying that she has been thinking about them a lot lately.
There used to be a saying on these forums that I haven't heard in a long time, but it went something along the lines of "the LBS is the first person the WAS distances from and the last person they get close to again." In other words, the WAS first pushes away the LBS and then family and then friends. When they come out of the fog it goes in reverse order, they first reach out to friends, then family, and finally the LBS. Again, this is huge progress.
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On one hand I feel happy that she still cares for my family and I, but on the other hand it angers me for some reason that she is including herself.
Focus on the positives.
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In one of her texts, she made a point of stating that she is the same person she has always been and that my family will always be her family. I care to disagree with that, though I would never share those feelings with her.
I'm starting to think you could win 3 million in the lotto and you would complain that it's not 6 million! Seriously, focus on the positive steps your W is making!! Quit trying to twist everything into bad news!
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She is NOT the same person she used to be.
Old news. None of our WAS's are. But that doesn't mean she'll always be that way.
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At one time she was my life partner, my support, my friend.
Your codependence is showing. What have YOU become? How much stronger will YOU be in your next relationship whether that's with her or someone else?
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I know how selfish that is of me, but those are the feelings that come over me.
And your feelings are of course valid, and I don't mean to downplay them. But I think you tend to focus too much on negative things. Perhaps if you start focusing more on the positives then your feelings will be better ones.
Originally Posted By: Positivespin
The separation/divorce is the greatest personal failure in my life.
Ive learned that my dreams of getting my wife back were partially based on my ego.
When I get her back it proves im better then OM When I get her back it proves im that great a person When I get her back I prove that im not living in Fantasyland When I get her back she will once again admit she f'd up When I get her back I will have been right
But i believe it was AS who kicked my arse one night and told me that I lost my best friend...she isnt coming back. If my W did come back, she may look like her.....but it wont be her.
Are your dreams of her coming back really just bruised ego?????
AWESOME instrospection in that post! And I think that was me that said that about her being gone, but hopefully I also clarified that even though we lose our old spouse it doesn't mean we can't have a new R with the person they become. They're growing and changing just like we are, but on a different timeline. Sometimes they emerge better people too, and sometimes LBS's report having a better R than ever before after reconciling. It's not always that way unfortunately, but it happens often enough that it's worth hoping for.
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
When I got home from work today, W had left a condolence card in my mailbox. She added a personal note saying, she was sorry for my loss and that my niece was a great person. She ended the card with, "I will always be there for you if you need me".
Wow, that's HUGE. No way your W would have reached out to you like that even a month ago.
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I felt like sending her a text saying, "I wish that were true, because your daughter and I have needed you for a long time now. Where have you been?"
Instead of that how about "Thank you for the note, I can't tell you how much it means to me. That was very kind of you."
Thanks, AS. You're absolutely right. I do always have a tendency to focus on the negatives, always have. I didn't really take the time to realize how much positive there has been lately, in regards to how W is treating me now. we are getting along much better, much more cordial.
I replied to her in a text saying, "thank you for the card. It was very thoughtful of you." I probably could have done better, but that was all that I could muster up at the moment. She didn't reply.
W: I have a basket of coffee and muffins and some cards. I spoke with your BIL. He wasn't sure I should go over. I am waiting for your sisters friend to "talk" to your sister to get the ok.
W: Maybe its best I give it to someone else to take over
Me: I don't know what to say.....I can't tell you how much it means to me that you are being so kind.
Me: You have a huge heart, Wife. I am so regretful of how things have worked out. I want you to know that.
W: I do know that. If I don't hear back from sisters friend, would you give the basket to sisters family for me?
W: Are the kids over at your moms? Maybe I can drop it by there.
