Day By Day

[Wonka]

Tad,

I do feel for you. During the last three days of my father's life at the hospice, I took to sleeping on the sofa in his bedroom. During the last two days/nights, I stayed up right next to his bedside holding his hand until he crossed over in the early morning hours. That was precious to me.

[job]

Tad,
I'm very sorry to hear that your mother has taken a turn for the worse. If you ask the hospice folks about support, they have some great people who will be there for you.

Please take care of yourself. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Wonka and Job. This is by far the hardest thing I've had to watch. S23 asked me today how it compared to the situation with the MLC and the destruction of my marriage. I wouldn't say that it was harder or easier.....but different. I was with mom this afternoon and thinking "I see it, but I'm not sure if I believe it."

I read somewhere once that if you see a difference in a dying person from week to week, that means they have weeks to live. Day to day means that they have days to live. I am seeing differences in her from day to day now and even hour by hour.

I started keeping a journal of the differences in her around Christmas and things have finally started to kick in gear as far as her body shutting down. I'm sure nobody cares, but this is what I have written just in the last few weeks:

DEC 21 - CHRISTMAS WITH FAMILY. GOOD SPIRITS BUT A LITTLE WEAK. COOKED AND WAS ABLE TO WALK AND TALK AND EAT.

DEC 22 - WENT TO SISTER'S HOUSE TO SPEND A FEW DAYS OVER CHRISTMAS. GOOD SPIRITS. TOLD SISTER THAT SHE WAS GOING TO LIVE TO BE 90.

DEC 25 - RETURNS FROM SISTER'S HOUSE. SLIGHTLY WEAKER THAN SHE WAS BEFORE SHE LEFT.

DEC 29 - A LITTLE WEAK. TOOK HER TO WALMART BUT USED WALKER. WAS STILL TALKING AND EATING.

DEC 31 - CELEBRATED NEW YEAR'S AND WAS WELL ENOUGH TO HAVE A LITTLE RUM TO RING IN THE NEW YEAR.

JAN 02 - VERY SLEEPY AND WEAK. KIND OF OUT OF IT AND WOULD DRIFT OFF. NEEDED HELP WALKING. SLIGHTLY YELLOW. MOVED HER BACK TO HOSPICE.

JAN 03 - STILL ABLE TO EAT, BUT VERY YELLOW. ATE ABOUT HALF OF A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH. NEEDED HELP GOING TO BATHROOM. TOOK HER OUTSIDE WITH HER WALKER. WAS STILL TALKING AND ASKING IF SHE SHOULD CONTINUE TO FIGHT OR GIVE UP. VERY, VERY WEAK. VOMITED EARLY IN THE DAY.

JAN 04 - DID NOT SEE HER BUT HOSPICE SAID THAT SHE WAS UNABLE TO SWALLOW AND VERY RESTLESS. SHE WAS PUT ON A LIQUID DIET. STARTED MORPHINE EVERY 4 HOURS THROUGH THE VEIN.

JAN 05 - COMPLETELY OUT OF IT. UNABLE TO SPEAK. EYES WERE HALF OPEN AND WOULD OCCASIONALLY SQUEEZE HAND. MOSTLY ASLEEP. URINE WAS VERY BROWN. SKIN WAS STILL YELLOW. PROJECTILE VOMITING.

JAN 06 - ASLEEP WITH EYES MOSTLY CLOSED. URINE STILL VERY BROWN. SLIGHTLY FROWNING. VERY UNRESPONSIVE AND RESTLESS. TWITCHED FROM TIME TO TIME. SKIN WAS NO LONGER YELLOW AND DOCTOR DID NOT KNOW WHY. MORPHINE INCREASED TO EVERY 2 HOURS.

JAN 07 - EYES HALF OPEN. URINE VERY ORANGE. MOSTLY UNRESPONSIVE, BUT WOULD TRY TO MOVE HEAD IN MY DIRECTION. BASICALLY TOO WEAK TO MOVE THOUGH. BREATHING VERY LABORED. FROWNING SLIGHTLY. SKIN WAS YELLOW AGAIN, BUT RETURNED BACK TO NORMAL AFTER A FEW HOURS. HANDS WERE WARM THEN COOLED SOMEWHAT AND WENT BACK TO WARM AGAIN AFTER A WHILE.

I've got a feeling that it could happen at any time. I told her today that I loved her and thanked her for being my mom. She did not respond, but I did see a little tear in her eye.

Tad

[wishing, hoping]

(((Tad)))

God grant you and your family peace. We are all here for you.

WH

[TSquared2]

Praying for you and your Mom.

[Portia]

Tad,

I had a similar experience to Wonka's.

I was with my parent at the end of life and that moment was a precious gift to me. In fact, I recall being asleep on a chair with my head on the bed when a change came over the quiet room. Strangely, I am no longer afraid of dying. I do miss, miss, miss her like crazy.

Take care of yourself. Talk to your mom. She knows you are there. The hospice staff is wonderful and very understanding. Lean on them if you need to do so.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone for the kind words. They mean a lot. I have started a new thread and it can be found here:

Another Goodbye

Tad