Blues, you are right. Either way, this svcks. (ha ha, spellcheck changed that to socks.)
My H is out and now thinks he is king of the world. He can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, without considering anyone else, and he is loving it. It certainly doesn't seem like there are any "consequences" to S or D for him. He has way more free time, and when he is with the kids, they worship him because they don't get to see him as much. Also, I am not "in the way" of his being a father.
Back to 3, since this is her thread, after all!
3, you mentioned that your H wants to get his own apartment. If he does that, will he take the boys for overnights, or will he continue to go to the house to see them?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
From what I can tell, it really makes no difference to the WAS. My H was definitely cake eating. He was coming and going from the house, deciding at the last minute whether we wanted to come for dinner if he had nothing better to do, taking left overs back to his place, etc. When I changed things up, I am not sure that it really phased him at all. Now he just eats out all the time. He only has to clean his own room at his parents and do his laundry, so he is not fully experiencing living on his own. But even if my H was fully on his own, I think it would make no difference to his mindset. I dont think that it will teach him a lesson, not until he starts really looking at himself and what he is doing. I am sure that my H could go months living off of fast food and buying enough underpants and undershirts to ensure that he can go weeks without doing laundry.
Also 3-How public is his A? Do his coworkers/family/friends know? How does this affect your sitch?
Good points M-life's a party for the WAS right now. It is so annoying how they waltz in like the hero. Thankfully the kids don't realize how they've been abandoned.
My D15 is older. She notices a lot. She is sad and feels abandoned by her father. Whenever she tells him her feelings, he blames me for manipulating her. Ugh!!
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
M - I am not sure what H is planning to do. H said that he thought about moving to a new place, but has not made any plans to do so and/or thought about when it may be. He clearly has not thought about it in detail. He said that he is not sure that he wants to live alone, so maybe he would live with a buddy. I had to point out the fact that we had children who could not sleep there is he was living in the equivalent of a frat house, to which he said "oh, i guess that would not work." Yum - hello - welcome to reality. I swear that he has reverted to his college days. I think that it because all his single guy friends live with roommates in the city, which i know he does not want to do because it is almost an hour from our house. Honestly, I think that he is living in a fanstasy land. He just says that he does not know what to do, but that if I push him to make a decision then he guesses that he would consider getting a place. I told him that I was not pushing him to do anything and dropped the subject.
Blues - No one really knows about my H's A. I told one friend. I think that my H may have told his single guy friend because I know that the friend, my H and OW have hung out together at bars. My H's parents know that I was pissed about H's relationship with OW, but I am sure that they do not know the details. None of his co-workers officially know, but I assume that there has probably been inappropriate flirting at some points (but I guess that OW flirts with everyone so maybe no one suspects). My H is so protective about this information. He is very concerned about his image and his business. He would die if the information got out. I could do some pretty serious damage if I wanted, but I refuse to stoop to his level.
Man...just thinking about his A and what he has done to me over the last two years makes my heart race. I have told H that if he continues this relationship with the OW in any manner, regardless of what happens in our M, I will not have any type of relationship with him. I cant even get on FB because her picture makes me sick (and I don't even snoop, it does pops up because we have mutual friends). It just $ucks that he has done so much damage and caused so much pain and he still looks like an amazing family man. For months/years, I was desperate for an apology from my H. I now realize that an apology will not mean anything until H ends his relationship/friendship with OW.
I just dont know what makes someone feel so entitled to think that they can cause a huge amount of pain to someone else and just feel no remorse. While I may not be perfect, I have done nothing to my H that justifies what he has done. None of us have
My H is so protective about this information. He is very concerned about his image and his business. He would die if the information got out.
This is what blows me away about WASs. You would think that it would occur to him that if he is keeping it secret, perhaps it's because he's doing something shameful. I guess not. Or maybe he knows but just doesn't care because he is just that selfish. My H tends to tell people who he knows will support (read: enable) him, and I don't think it is unreasonable to assume that he doesn't tell people that he does not want to be in a relationship with any obligations or expectations. Surely he must realize how egocentric that is.
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I have told H that if he continues this relationship with the OW in any manner, regardless of what happens in our M, I will not have any type of relationship with him.
What do you mean by this? Do you mean that you will have no relationship with him as long as he is having an R with the OW? If he did end the R with the OW, do you think you could get through it, or would it always haunt you and make you distrust him?
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I just dont know what makes someone feel so entitled to think that they can cause a huge amount of pain to someone else and just feel no remorse. While I may not be perfect, I have done nothing to my H that justifies what he has done. None of us have.
What my H said, a few days after BD, was, "I have sacrificed too much, now it's time for me to be selfish." So I guess he thinks that he put in his fair share of "giving a sh!t about others," and now he is free to think only about himself.
I don't know if it's just that different people are wired differently, or that a change happens when someone goes through a crisis, or what - but the thought to me of not caring about other people makes me feel kind of sad and lonely. I feel like life is all about connection.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
My H tends to tell people who he knows will support (read: enable) him, and I don't think it is unreasonable to assume that he doesn't tell people that he does not want to be in a relationship with any obligations or expectations. Surely he must realize how egocentric that is.
My H only told his single guy friend. I am sure that his friend is totally enabling him, not to mention including him in his single life. I can guarantee you that he has not said anything to his best friend who is a total family man. The crazy thing is that his single friend does not have a great life. He has no family, no serious relationship, bounces from job to job always looking for something different/better.
What do you mean by this? Do you mean that you will have no relationship with him as long as he is having an R with the OW? If he did end the R with the OW, do you think you could get through it, or would it always haunt you and make you distrust him?
Originally Posted By: melissag
What do you mean by this? Do you mean that you will have no relationship with him as long as he is having an R with the OW? If he did end the R with the OW, do you think you could get through it, or would it always haunt you and make you distrust him?
For a long time, I thought that my H needed to decide whether he wanted to be married to me and/or wanted to be with the OW. But I have realized that even if we get D, I need my H to choose a relationship with me(whether just a co-parenting relationship or friendship) over a relationship with OW. Unless H intends to marry OW (which would likely results in her H murdering my H), I hope that H will decide to respect me as a person and the mother of his children and end this R that has caused so much pain. I have not phrased it as an ultimatum to him. I just know that if he continues his relationship with OW on any level, I will have to keep my contact with H to the absolute minimum.
Even if H ends it and decides to R, it will be a long road ahead. H would have to be willing to be completely open and transparent. That is how our relationship was for 14 years. We knew each others email passwords, there were no codes to access his cell or his laptop. It all changed when the A began and I knew he was involved with OW for months before I finally had evidence (although he still denied it).
Originally Posted By: melissag
What my H said, a few days after BD, was, "I have sacrificed too much, now it's time for me to be selfish." So I guess he thinks that he put in his fair share of "giving a sh!t about others," and now he is free to think only about himself.
OMG ... I laughed out loud at your H's comments. What sacrifices does your H think he has made unfairly? Unless you tied him up in a basement and did not let him out for years, I am pretty sure that he had the ability to make his own decisions about his life. My H said that I always decided where to vacation and that he never got to pick and that he wanted to be free to make decision and not feel like he was sacrificing. This coming from a man who went to Turkey and Brazil without me (both times while I was pregnant). Granted he went to assist his mom with her job, but I never even baulked when he asked me to go. I never said no to his requests to go to bachelor parties in Vegas or Montreal or Atlantic City. It makes NO SENSE.
My H is starting to complain that I am bad at responding to texts and answering his calls. I have simply responded that I was busy and I honestly really was. H texted last night and I responded a few hours later. His text did not need a response all. He merely said to give the boys a hug and that he cant wait to celebrate S5's birthday." I would not have texted back at all, except that S5 broke down in tears because he wanted H to put him to bed. I just let him know what happened with S5 and that S5 would be excited to celebrate with him. H broke back ten minutes later, but I had already fallen asleep. H called me this morning dispute me telling him that I was in a meeting. He knew about the meeting because I could not go to S5's class birthday party due to the meeting so H went. He called right after he left the school. He just called me at work to talk about our plans to celebrate S5's birthday and he mentioned that I am horrible at responding to text/calls. I explained the circumstances. It is H's pet peeve when people dont response because his phone is glued to his hand. This is not the first time he has mentioned it. It is so annoying because he calls me out on it, when he often does not respond my emails. I pointed out that I sent him an email the other day, which contained an actual question about logistics, and he did not respond at all. How should I continue to DB without completely pissing him off? Any advice?
Thanks labug. I hope that one day this will be second nature. It sounds so simple when you say it. You are totally right. I spend all my time trying to make sure others are not upset. I need to realize I can't be the fixer all the time.
