We got the invite to a wedding in his family today. I knew it was coming. I know it is stupid but seeing the invite with our names together in pretty calligraphy made me so sad. I asked him what he wanted to do about it and he just said " I guess I'll go." I hate this.
It is the little things that grab us by the throat.
I'm gonna turn this on it's head a little...
What if you had said "There's an invitation to your relatives wedding" and just left it at that.
You could have RSVP for you (if you want to go)and left him to make up his mind.
Live your life, girl. Let him live his.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
[i][/i]I just need to rant for a bit this may get long.
No matter what I am doing for myself or how strong, detached, or positive I am this is an f'd up situation. I live in a house with someone who comes and goes and does what he pleases. On a good day I get ignored. On bad days I get glares and negativity. Yes he is with S around my work schedule the way it has always been but I can not get him to sit down and discuss financial arrangements or make a child care schedule so that we BOTH have the opportunity to get out and GAL. When I ask him to discuss any of these things he says I am dictating what needs yo happen. .. telling him what to do. ... Being controlling like always.
Tonight he said he is getting a dog. It will be his dog. No discussion. No concern for how it will affect all of us who live in the house including our elderly dog. I asked him what would happen if the dog got attached to me. (I was rooting around for info on what his plans are) he said "He" wasn't going any where and reminded me that house and both cars are in his name.
I can't go on like this indefinitely waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have no where to go. All my friends and family are hundreds of miles away and I can't/won't take S away from his father.
The other part of it is that I keep reading is that WAS don't really start their own journey until LBS has really moved on. That is so hard with these arrangements. Plus he is so blinded by his assumptions about me he can't see any changes I am making.
And this whole puppy thing is wrong. How can he think it is acceptable to just bring a puppy into the house. Even people that are just housemates would discuss something like that.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Oh Julie-I feel for you. I can relate to many of these things. I wish you had friends/family closer to you for support. Sometimes when I read these posts and hear others talking about discussions with their H, it blows my mind. Some will say that certain behaviors hurt their feelings and their H seem to respond. You and I have been in the same boat as far as the angry spouse.
I can relate to not being able to have a discussion. I cannot talk to H about anything important. He gets immediately stressed which equals anger and then the ball starts rolling. His other response is complete avoidance. Avoiding discussions, problems, the elephant in the room.
You need to be able to protect yourself. I wish I could give you advice instead of just support. A puppy??? What??? More responsibility and family member to care for when he's bailing on what he already has? I just don't understand the WAS.
I would guess that you don't want to sit around and wait for the other shoe to drop and you also don't want to anger him with a serious conversation that may push you and S further away.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that he wasn't always this inconsiderate with his decisions?
BTW-How is his alcohol abstinence going?
Hope you get some good advice on this
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
he started drinking again. He just came in and said he is never going to leave this house but I will be begging to leave. Then he suggested I go out and check my tires and then locked me out. He is insane.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Julie - Please make sure that you and your kids are safe. I am worried for you. Your H has no right to threaten you. Even though it is hard I would consider going to stay with friends/family. Are there any options?
Oh julie, I agree with 3. Please view this from anothers perspective. I know your son needs routine and to see his father, but H is abusing and threatening. Is there any way you can be with your family for awhile? I am worried what he might do next. This is the time to consider options that may be out of your comfort zone. Please take care of yourself! ((((Julie))))
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Julie, please take care of yourself for your s and your family. You may also want make sure you have you house keys and cell in you pocket whenever you exit the house just in case. Nothing in what we are doing says you should put up with threatening or abusive behavior.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
You are all right. Thank you. He is a completely different level of mean/scary when drunk. I need to call an L to find out about taking S out of state.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
No one has to live in fear. I think you've been doing it so long you don't know how it feels to not be in fear. Fear of him lashing out, fear of him being mean, fear of him drinking.
There is help out there for you. Find out what you can do.
Why is the house in only his name. He could be completely spouting off to scare you. See L ASAP
Be safe.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
