wife moved to.parents house last week scared

[labug]

Yes, it is.

[melissag]

Hi Paul, sounds like you are moving along pretty well! I think that some things you need to let go, but your W told the kids on her own that she was moving out? That's not right at all. That's hurting the kids.

I am glad you didn't say "thank you for cooperating," that might sound patronizing to her.

3, you mentioned that this doesn't really affect W the same way it does me. We're all hurting. How could it be that she is not? How could someone make a life and then just throw it away???

This is tough . . . I know how you feel. I can't fathom how my H can walk away from a family who loves him and wants him here, and a wife who is willing to do anything to make the M great. Especially when he sees the damage it is causing to the kids.

But you have to consider their state of mind. They were hurting in the M - apparently far more than any of us LBSs ever knew or understood. So being out of the M now feels good to them. Maybe your W was drowning in the M (the way you feel right now, out of the M), and she wondered how it was possible that you were not hurting and didn't seem to care.

I can't say this about all WASs, but it seems that, in order to leave a M, they have to become pretty self-centered. And I think along with that comes the ability to tell themselves stories about how the kids are fine, the LBS is fine, everyone will be happier, etc. I think that my H truly believes all this, and he may well believe it forever.

You will drive yourself crazy if you try to understand what your W is doing and why. Trust me . . . .

[paul19510]

Met with L. he put my mind at ease that my family is not in financial danger by me sitting quietly for some time to see what develops. He encouraged and praised me for trying to stand for my marriage. He told me that he was here to help in the event that reconciliation was not something I could achieve. he asked what else W and I had tried.

W entered the house today while I was here, although she didn't tell me she was in the house and was kind o quiet about it. I found her in our room taking more clothes along to her new place. I remarked with small talk about getting some more things...She was irritated and said "....yeah, I'm getting some more of my clothes....."

she's like a stranger. she also made sure that D13 shadowed her in the room so that she was not alone. ugh.

[paul19510]

thanks M. I needed that. I talked with my Sis some today about the L and about the M. She reminded me that we've been feeling pretty bad for a while now. She reminded me that my W has been taking steps away from me for a number of years for no particular reason. There wasn't something overtly wrong. She said perhaps she just wants a different kind of M than you. that is not a fix it kind of thing..." My W has generally been cool and distant unless there was something she really wanted from the marriage. She always wanted more of her own life. I wanted more closeness. She really isn't that kind of person.

[paul19510]

Met with my IC tonight. Went well. he complimented my efforts to GAL and continue to focus as much as possible on self examination and improvement.
one thing I feel that I would say is sometimes people can come across like "we are the reason for our crumbling marriages..." when in fact it takes two. the only thing you can do is own what YOUR part in the M was/is. you can't do anything about the other half. I'm getting it.

[Rick1963]

Paul your Ws behaviors sound soooo similar to my ex. I think as man get older they want to become closer to their spouse. On the other hand I believe women want more freedom as they age. Just an observation. When my ex found a place I was sooo ready for her to leave that I offered to help her move. She was not happy. I even offered her nookie . My sick side.
You will get this it takes time and patience. Be easy on yourself.

[paul19510]

well, interesting morning. I went over to the cleaning job at the church. Its one of my 180s. she and I share the work in order to gain more $$ for her to afford the horses. We've done the cleaning business for the past 2 years.

In past I was not as creative about my time and when I would do the floors in the building. W would always nag and try to get my timing to be what she wanted and how she wanted it done. I would resist and argue. not sure if its really a 180 per se, but a change/ I just take care of it at a time that works for me and in a way that's good for the business. if she argues or tries to micro manage it, I drop the rope.

Now that we are separate, I go over in the early morning. no one is there and I get it all done. W also works at this church so, its great for avoiding her because she's not there at 5AM.

This morning I went to mop under the pews and I was going to mop the bathrooms in the lobby of the church. I heard a huge gushing sound. Water was pouring from the ceiling in nursery room in the back of the church due to a burst pipe from this cold snap we are having.

I called the W and woke her up and asked her to call the church maintenance people. I was originally not able to reach her....she was asleep and didn't answer. it wasn't my best scripting, but it was movement of some kind...

Conversation to follow:

M: I'm at the church. A pipe burst...Are you across the street or at your parents??
W: OH no! I'm at my parents.
M: I respect your right to be private and freedom you seem to want, but since you don't seem to be in the same place, I'd appreciate some heads up if you have D13 with you as to if you are 500 yards away or 20 miles away. I think that's fair. Can we agree on this??
W: yes, that's fair.
M: I couldn't reach you, I don't know any numbers to reach any help, I have no idea where you are, its 5AM and the room is 2 inches deep with water.<me sounding irritated by now...>
W: let me get off the phone and call them. I'll get back to you
M: the kids are at home and this impacts my day. I can't eave here until I am relieved.
W: I get that. please let me off the phone so I can call them.
M: OK
W calls back.
W: they are on their way. they told me how to help you shut off the water main to stop the leak. <she explains>
M: Sorry to sound impatient earlier, but this situation is getting irritating....
W: tell me about it. try walking a mile in MY shoes....
M: I'd be glad to hear all about it, except you're not saying anything. in the meantime, I have a house to run and kids to raise. I gotta keep stepping here, I have much to do before the kids go to school. Like I said, my ears are open, but I'm not hearing anything...Have a good day.
W: bye

made me feel better, but she probably couldn't care a less. If she removes the words horse or barn from her day, she has NOTHING left on her calendar that actually impacts our kids, house or the other things we got married and are responsible for as a couple. She's like a teenager. Concerned only with her stuff. ugh. at least I go to say something. Again, it wasn't my best DB, but W can now also see that I am at the church at %am and have been since we split. changes changes, changes....

[paul19510]

thanks for your input Rick. I am trying. was laughing as I wrote the last post. its maddening how self centered she's being....

[paul19510]

I had a backslide this morning and need to forgive myself but its hard. My W reached out to tell me our D13 was not going to school due to being sick today. I called her back and I discussed that the sitch was wearing on D13. I discussed that the quiet had been immensely helpful in my growth and that I continue to work very hard to become a better Paul, a better H and a great dad.

I told my W that I choose her. I responded to yesterday's comment that "I should walk a mile in her shoes" and said I'd be glad to. I fact I told her, I would carry her if she were sick or hurt and needed me.

For her part she says she feels a sense of peace and is smiling and laughing again for the first time in a long time. I told her the same for me. W shared that she still feels "triggers" or buttons in some of our exchanges. I agreed. I told her, these things can be worked through.

W said a month is so short a time and that she knew people that were separate for years. I said the same. I told her I will continue to move forward and was not certain I would wish to be separate for years but that there was nothing in any way immediate about the situation.

W said if she chooses me and comes home again some day she wants it to be forever and that's what she's wrestling with. W:

"...If I were to come home, I do not want to ever leave you again. I need to know that I can do that and not leave you. That is what I am thinking about now..."

I know this is a backslide. Although, I did get some useful information about how she sees life right now.

I am trying. I have a coaching call with Jody tonight and will discuss next steps.

[labug]

Why do you think it was a backslide?