Still Dating

[labug]

Ahhhh....I am so happy for you, bug!! And, of course, admittedly envious!

Tell me, though, was there ever a period of time when you were 100%, without a doubt certain that this whole thing was done, dead, over without a chance of revivial? How did you cope? How did H act? Did you guys even interact at that point? Just curious.....and probably looking for coping mechanisms!

Crimson

Crim, I said from the beginning that when my H made up his mind to do something, he did it. Done. All of his actions from the time of BD supported that. And for those that seemingly didn't, I had an excuse for:
1. He continued to wear his ring for a long time-He didn't want to answer nosy questions. His personal like is his personal life, he doesn't discuss it with random people.
2. He didn't file for D-He was waiting for me to do it, because he's lazy, he's used to me doing everything, he'll wait for me to do it...I had a lot of reasons for this depending on my emotions at the time.

(The 2 points above are mindreading and expectation based. I learned to let go of that.)

So I held out little hope from the beginning but I was so devastated by this that I knew I needed to change and DB and this support group, along with my IC, AlAnon, ACoA, CoDA, meditation, yoga, bike riding, volunteering, traveling helped me do that. I was a depressed, codependent mess and didn't want to be that anymore. I knew a lot of his complaints were true, he had called me out on my crap.

When I had that temp check talk with him, I was ready to hear the truth at that point and that was actually me moving forward. Look at my timeline, this all happened over a long period of time. That talk was about a year before we started "talking"

To answer your question about did we interact, in the beginning, he would only interact via email. This turned out to be good because it allowed me to work on my communication skills in a controlled way. No emotional popping-off.

He called me on the phone once during the whole time we were S. He even paid for our younger son's cellphone so he didn't have to call the house phone. (Yes, we still have a house phone!)

When he came here to do something with the boys, he was like a friendly but not close, neighbor. We were cordial to one another. It was stilted and uncomfortable.

Was I 100% certain of anything having to do with his feelings? In the beginning I was but as I said, that was mindreading and expectation. As time went on I learned that things change. People change, feelings change, perspective changes. Nothing stays the same and we have to be prepared to go with that. Attachment keeps us stuck. Attachment, not our spouses, keeps us in "limbo."

I was however certain of myself and I was moving forward. I wasn't ready to file but I had a great life going. I didn't need him...or anyone but I wanted a healthy R and I wasn't quite there yet.

But I knew that at some point I would want another R.

How did I cope?

I coped by working on me and trying not to focus on him. After the first 6 months I made sure I did several things that nourished my mind and soul every day, which included all the resources I mentioned above.

That continues to today. I still do those same things, except I no longer attend meetings but I would if I start slipping.

This is a lifelong process. For most of us the problems we have in our Ms are not just about our marriage or our partner but about all the baggage we carry with us.

It's just so scary to unpack all that.