Still Dating

[labug]

Although I know the goal of most people here is to reconcile with their partner, I hope my story is also inspiring because of the changes I made.

The change in me is what I'm most happy about. I'm so much happier inside and feel like a complete person now. Not that codependent Jerry McGuire line-"You complete me!"

I complete myself.

I know that if this doesn't work, I'll be OK.

And on this side of the divide created by a marital breakup, I can say that I'll always be grateful for my H being the catalyst that opened my eyes.

[nit84]

Very inspiring labug. I certainly want to reconcile with my W but know that I am a better person because of things I did for myself.

I am not completely happy yet with myself but compared to 7 months what a difference I see and others see it too they say. I also think W see it too but is mad it took a S to make it happen. Hopefully things just keep getting better!

[labug]

Ahhhh....I am so happy for you, bug!! And, of course, admittedly envious!

Tell me, though, was there ever a period of time when you were 100%, without a doubt certain that this whole thing was done, dead, over without a chance of revivial? How did you cope? How did H act? Did you guys even interact at that point? Just curious.....and probably looking for coping mechanisms!

Crimson

Crim, I said from the beginning that when my H made up his mind to do something, he did it. Done. All of his actions from the time of BD supported that. And for those that seemingly didn't, I had an excuse for:
1. He continued to wear his ring for a long time-He didn't want to answer nosy questions. His personal like is his personal life, he doesn't discuss it with random people.
2. He didn't file for D-He was waiting for me to do it, because he's lazy, he's used to me doing everything, he'll wait for me to do it...I had a lot of reasons for this depending on my emotions at the time.

(The 2 points above are mindreading and expectation based. I learned to let go of that.)

So I held out little hope from the beginning but I was so devastated by this that I knew I needed to change and DB and this support group, along with my IC, AlAnon, ACoA, CoDA, meditation, yoga, bike riding, volunteering, traveling helped me do that. I was a depressed, codependent mess and didn't want to be that anymore. I knew a lot of his complaints were true, he had called me out on my crap.

When I had that temp check talk with him, I was ready to hear the truth at that point and that was actually me moving forward. Look at my timeline, this all happened over a long period of time. That talk was about a year before we started "talking"

To answer your question about did we interact, in the beginning, he would only interact via email. This turned out to be good because it allowed me to work on my communication skills in a controlled way. No emotional popping-off.

He called me on the phone once during the whole time we were S. He even paid for our younger son's cellphone so he didn't have to call the house phone. (Yes, we still have a house phone!)

When he came here to do something with the boys, he was like a friendly but not close, neighbor. We were cordial to one another. It was stilted and uncomfortable.

Was I 100% certain of anything having to do with his feelings? In the beginning I was but as I said, that was mindreading and expectation. As time went on I learned that things change. People change, feelings change, perspective changes. Nothing stays the same and we have to be prepared to go with that. Attachment keeps us stuck. Attachment, not our spouses, keeps us in "limbo."

I was however certain of myself and I was moving forward. I wasn't ready to file but I had a great life going. I didn't need him...or anyone but I wanted a healthy R and I wasn't quite there yet.

But I knew that at some point I would want another R.

How did I cope?

I coped by working on me and trying not to focus on him. After the first 6 months I made sure I did several things that nourished my mind and soul every day, which included all the resources I mentioned above.

That continues to today. I still do those same things, except I no longer attend meetings but I would if I start slipping.

This is a lifelong process. For most of us the problems we have in our Ms are not just about our marriage or our partner but about all the baggage we carry with us.

It's just so scary to unpack all that.

[labug]

I seriously have goosebumps reading your update. I just took my ring off a few days ago. It is crazy that two little rings can carry so much emotion. You are a true inspiration

This was a part of my discussion with IC yesterday.

I had thought about what putting our rings back on might be like, should we have a little ceremony, or say some special words.

Nothing would have been more special than this silent declaration. As my IC said, You've wanted this to come from him and here it is.

And now the dark, because we all have it in us: old me would have most probably been unhappy that he had ruined my plans for a ceremony and I would have missed the sweetness of what was.

That's what needing control does for us.

[labug]

That's just cool..... (((((Bug)))))

How are you friend?

[labug]

Just one more thing in answer to Crimson's post, I had to live my life and let go of him and his. Fact: He no longer wanted to be with me so I had to decide how much of my life I was willing to give to a person who didn't want me in their life.

After 33 years of being together, it took me a while to get there but I always had my eyes on that goal of detachment.

[LITB]

Incredibly amazing to see your transformation. Like I said in my thread, I am extremely happy for you and your family. You are an inspiration filled with compassionate wisdom.

Ben

[sweetbabyred]

labug, thank you so much for updating your story. I'm still trying to get to the point of deciding how much of my life I should give to my xh, but I know it's less than I have been.

Detaching is hard, but I know I have to do it for myself. And it's great to see that doing so doesn't have to mean that there is no chance of reconciling.

I'm so happy for you!

[RealityTrip]

Rings. That's wonderful! W and I still aren't wearing ours. I think about it from time to time, but I think I would need her to take the lead that later down the road.

You are awesome. Everyone says marriage takes work, and when we find ouselves in these sitch's, as newbie's we scramble to "save" our marriages. Then we realize the focus is to save ourselves.

Everything else starts to fall into place!

[BrightFuture]

Bug, everything you wrote in your last post resonates with me. My H is one of those who makes up his mind and stick to the decision. He is not filing for D and I also get an impression that he waits for me to do it. We also communicate mostly via e-mail and his last visit was uncomfortable.

I’ve reading your updates with the great interest. Sometimes I think that if I would be in your situation, I would be very worried and unsecure about whether I could trust H again, worried about him changing his mind again. I’m glad that you feel that things are working out for you and you are having fun with H.