i'm just mulling over a post i just did in portia's thread. she got me thinking, well and everyone over there. commenting on trusting again and possibilities for future, wondering if we're all too screwed up to ever really trust again - (and while i'm definitely screwed up (alot)) - i still think not necessarily.
i think we'll just intuitively recognize tip offs that we've learned are bad in another person- and if we were to fall in love or begin to- it just wouldn't be with a person having them. i am pretty sure- that the "signs" were there , of the things that were bad. if we didn't have the knowledge & experience to see them, or know them for exactly what they were - now we've learned from that.
that's life, isn't it? learning when to not put your hand in the stupid fire again??? use the darn pot holder? sooo we made a bit of a mistake (maybe) for about 38 years. so we find out the hard (hard hard hard) way... so kill us-
well, let me change that. soooo it didn't kill us - ta da...
we're just people.. who ever designated us as the one perfect one that did everything right - and didn't land up in the soup?
i get "saying something out loud" in a thread- and it amazes me what pours out- which i would assume are my true feelings. (?) they are a reaction to someone's comment- coming forward when we get "chatting"... is it crappola or some honest reaction and it's good to "hear ourselves say it to someone else- " a moderating force. (or maybe, some thing i need to try and squelch ?) idk. putting it out there helps to (hopefully) qualify it..
i don't know whether to be encouraged or discouraged to find myself saying (ON THIS STINKING FREEEEEZING MORNING - WHEN MY LEGS ARE COLD??? AND IT'S ZERO OUTSIDE (and one little bit warmer inside)
(thoooo- it's waaaay more exciting and exotic - the continual changes - better i guess than FLA where you wake up every single stinkin day and know what the weather will be - hot- humid , sunny & sucking the life out of you from the same-ness. talk about too much of a good thing- it will fry your guts out and leave you with wrinkles and skin cancer- but it willlll always be THE SAME - no variety- til you croak... growing up in the north- loving the seasons (more than you'd ever think- til someone takes them AWAY FOREVER ) - IT TAKES the pleasure out of summer- & how much we looked for ward to it- AND HOW wonderful a patch of sun in on the couch on a cold cold morning) you know- that old point driven home that without the bad stuff- you cease to be able to recognize the good stuff
it's just true: the proverb: "all sunshine makes a desert".
hey- do we apply that to our lives or what - here.???
anyway- kind of lost my thread. sorry for rant about fla. i even thought of it fondly other morning when it was too cold to budge out of the house- but even then, i had to admit a small part of the problem with fla is that it's never ever cold enough to make you feel "justified " in staying indoors and doing inside stuff- hunkering down- feeling all cozy & homey) having a DAY OFF. IN LIFE . every day is nice - every day there is not a reason in the world to stay in, to not run around like a jerk, to not be busy, to not feel like you have to get busy & GET WORKIN (even in house) and get out and get going...
somehow up here- in winter- with garden all asleep and tucked under the snow- it's like a message from God (even) to just chill out- even one day- be covered up and closed in- embrace it- do i sound nutty- i just think it. who can keep going and going and going til you drop (or start stealing packets of sugar and small things from the super market) (and florida turns you into a negative - OLD OLD BLUE HAIR FLORIDA RESIDENT. ) NOT everyone - but it turns alot of old people very hostile down there. one old woman told me it's being trapped. by the time you realize - it's too expensive to go back up north. .
i want to be an old lady like one i met on a sailboat once in the islands - chubby & cute with "baked apple" cheeks and baking muffins and calling people dearie and feeling it.
imho- ( yeah- , i do have some neurosis & realize how a bit crazed out I can sound) but there is alot to be said in life for liking where you are- liking the seasons - embracing what they tell you- or thrust upon you . who can't walk around outside on a fall day when the leaves are blazing away with color- YOU ARE FORCED , absolutely forced - to see and appreciate the beauty in something totally free and in your face - put there by - what? God? idk- nature is just something to learn from - the contrast if nothing else. how the hard parts (winter- dormant, etc) may just be crucial for the good parts ( flowers- leaves, etc.)
even in the stupid old city (worked in manhatten for a few years) you'd stumble on some little weedie thing- growing in some miserable crack - and it would make you realize how tenacious nature is- everything just wants to live.
just wants to keep going. any little tiny foothold- something grows. no wonder i love my garden. down under the ground in even this terrible harsh weather- stuff is just sleepin away- waitng for spring- warmth. how the heck could it not make us (a tiny bit) take heart?
now, if only mankind doesn't totally kill it all. (oh nuts - back to that huh? man- they'll kill it allll if left to their own selfish devices). can a human being REALLY KILL US INSIDE? do we have to "permit" it- or can it happen without us?
read a good thougt other day: (something along the lines of:
"only when the last tree has been cut down,
and the last fish has been caught - will man realize
you cannot eat money"
im thinking yeah. okay- sorry for being allover the place here today. it's a strane life isn't it? hope you all have a good day-
i'm not sure what the heck i'm even trying to convey here-
