At the very beginning of all this, I thought I may have imagined how strong our bond was. But if he is still "touching and going" after 18 months, I could not have imagined it all by myself.
i wonder this too. i know what i thought it all was- i believed with every single fiber of my being. i guess that's why it's such a huge tragedy in my life. it doesn't explain what the heck it IS to him. that's my problem. if he doesn't talk & i know now he lies- how do i ever know if i'm imagining it or not?
they have, in some huge way, set the stage for us to have a lifetime going forward of mistrust BUT ONLY (of them). honestly- i think , being the people we are - that if we were to find love again- and feel it with someone else- we would not be totally prevented from jumping in again. it would feel tooo good - we would LOOOOOVE THE FEELING AND THE GOOD GOOD DIRECTION it sends us in- and we would not (i think) put the residual trash from this wrecked r onto someone new).
believe it or not- when i met this h after my first ex-h ( in 1975) (who turned out to have some drink & violence issues (duhhh- his hated parents allover again!!!) - i remember still how wonderful it felt to meet someone new that was such a better fit for me. NO KIDDING- i do not think we will even think of the bad stuff applying to this person- we would have been very very aware of anything that was a tipoff waaaaay before our hearts or minds felt attraction to this new person. imho...
it's what i think about myself. i'm changed person for sure. i will never ever (i don't think) indulge in soooo much self-delusion again. (well, i'm shortly 63 - i don't have enough years left to live to fill with THAT MUCH self-delusion (maybe) (negative me) - ANYWAY THO- I HONESTly think we'll all quite easily be able to feel the pleasure & wonder of a new r, how "magic" it feels when you realize you and someone think alike, feel alike, how good it feels after this damaged and tortured stuff going on in your life - dragging y0u down instead of lifting you up.
saying that out loud, from my own life experience - i'm thinking also -unfortunately- that we cannot MAKE it happen- it just shows up in your face one day, and creeps in, and you begin to realize it's more than you thought- they're more than you thought, etc. it's just magic - when you find people who are destined to become a big part of your life -
i sound sooooo schmaltzy saying out loud here - that i still think it's a matter mostly of "fate" - there are people out there- magic if we run into them and begin again.... \
WE NEED TO JUST get ourselves out of the house, go on with our lives, and continue doing and being who and what we are- and if we're very lucky- we will just bumble into another "life" and it will be okay. I even believe if it's meant to happen- we can be here shilly shallying around with h and r and wondering, and putzing along - thinking we should be DOING something more, better - more definitive. AND THAT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER EITHER- IF WE'RE gonna meet someone and move on- past this guy- we will. h can be sitting there next to you and if your heart gets that little nudge from someone and it begins to include them- there's not a force on earth that will stop you (probably) from exploring it- it will HAVE TO BE. HOLY COW- is that the yellow brick road up ahead- i sound quite wacky don't I?
so , while i have not one stinkin concrete idea about my old life and h and where that will be when dust in my brain settles- (my stinking intense/earth shattering loyalty & devotion (ack ack) being what it is/was...)
i know, i think, that there is life beyond it. even if i cannot embrace it yet- or feel all that good about it- i still think it's there. it actually makes me want to throw up when i totally allow self to go there- total withdrawal. (see - do UNDERSTAND ADDICTION)...
ta da- pollyanna doin her stupid old "sunshine dance" -
GOD - can i be this old & have a , shortly, 63 years of life experience and still believe it? I DO...
