When WAs Come Home (Where do we go from here?)

[love_endures4ever]

UD,

Now you know...where I'm at...

Cathy

[talitsa]

I'd like to add some input here, if I may.

I would hate to see anyone give up because the process sounds overwhelming. Please keep in mind that while all of this stuff is true--it is not intensly displayed all of the time and it doesn't have to be the primary focus. These are things that will pop up from time to time, less and less over time.

Our spouses may have parallel fears--that if they come home, they may be overwhelmed by (and punished with) the hurt and anger that we probably (yeah right, lol) still carry. In reality though--we spend most of our efforts trying to stabilize and rebuild our R's, and only occassionally flip out, right?

I think piecing is hard for a variety of reasons. One of the biggest challenges is trying to identify and change destructive patterns and bad habits that were likely a part of our "old" R.

For many--those changes in the R are things we have prayed for for a long time. It just ain't all salt and it ain't all sugar.

[cruiserrg]

This is a really good discussion and very pertinent to my sitch.

T2, your post is so very true, and really is helping me understand what we both are going through.

Patrick, no I don't regret moving her back in. It all for me is just really about my fears and insecurity about the R.

Tal, thank you also for pointing out to have no one give up. It will be a surprise for everyone that when all the work of getting over the mountain to get the WA home, there is another one right behind it you must also climb. Marc_d put it well in my thread that this is the cross we must carry (our R) and it continues much beyond the homecoming.

My thread will explain my sitch better. For me right now the fear that I may not like my W the way she is now. I have to remind myself that as other stated, they have even more guilt when home and still have alien behaviors. It adds fuel to the fire when we expect too much to soon and forget to look for the baby steps and keep DBing.

This is where I am going wrong. Last night all the emotions and feeling I have been repressing came out. Luckily I knew to get out of the house and it took me a 2 hour drive to even calm down enough to come home. I highly suggest that during your DBing and the homecoming to find a save vent for your anger so you can get down to the real emotions of fear, sadness and confusion.

Also keep in mind your WA has some of the same fears, and has guilt on top of it. My W and I got into another R talk tonight because of my fears. She said she thought she might stay with a friend for the night. My fear manifested itself into R talks and trying to talk my way into her heart. It failed miserably, and she even said "thanks for making me feel so guilty".

Luckily before she left I sat down and tried to come up with a solution. I first said "I know this is going to sound like I am fixing things, but I need to say this to help us. I know we want to work this out together. She agreed. I told her that me going into an R talk is my fear surfacing when she talks about doing something I would be hurt by (like staying out all night with friends). I said that if she wanted less R talk, that it would help me if she was more attentive and loving, especially if I go into an R talk due to fear. Specifically, to let me know what she is doing, when she may be home, and to call me and let me know if she was late. I said just give me a hug and kiss and tell me not to talk about it and start doing more things like a loving W would do. I said the more attentive and loving she could be that less I would want to talk out my fears."

She agreed with this and thought it would help. She kissed me goodbye and asked if it helped, and I said yes. I then hugged her and asked if she would please come home tonight, and she agreed.

I know have to start working again on the basics of DBing, and I will have to re-read the book again and focus now on my WA being home. I just wish we had a honeymoon when she came home, because for me its just like before she left. I really pray to God that its working in reverse and she will slowly become the W I have always loved.

[thesane1]

Well what a debate!!!

Ok My two pence worth.....

H has been home since November 23rd.
He is trying...most the time
I agree with all T2 said, however, I feel that if you can stick with the first part it all does get better. Really, when you get to piecing wich most of us feel is our goal, well its not, the goal is a loving and happy R, so piecing really is just the beginning. The LRT and getting them to return home is just something we have to do to start the long process of piecing.


So, H is home, im happy I have come that far. Its definatly not all been a bed of roses and I also found lots of emotions rising once H was home... and whats more they still do. Right now I am feeling it. Im angry. Angry that he cheasted on me with someone who clearly looks like she could be his Mum. Im angry that he walked away. Im angry that I had to wait till he decided. Im angry that I had to tip that 1st domino( when I dont feel I knocked the first one down). lolol I know I know. Evry day I have to remind myself what I have learnt since I started Dbing.

As I said H is trying ( In his own way ) thats when I remind myself of all the R books I have read and what I learned from them and that is, how different we all are and H's Love language is different froom mine and what he thinks is trying, I may well see as dam well not trying.

Maybe he thinks Im not tryin?? because I do it my way.
This is definatly not easy... we all knew that when we started out.

Now onto the good news

Its only really been in the last 4 weeks that I have seen a complete change in H. My changes are making him change.

Yes when he first came home he had all those things that T2 said, he felt guilty, I think he resented me, and much more but I keep up my Dbing, no matter what and he is changing!! he is loving me the way I want... a lot of the time... doing things I have "nagged" him to do for years, and guess what LOL I get more emotions rearing their ugly heads. The thing is we all know about the love tanks and how we have supposedly emptied theirs, well guess what?? they have emptied ours too. The reason we are not WAS is because they do it first!!
They DB us, and we start to persue without even thinking about it.
However, we get to read the DR and DB books, so we learn that walking away is not the ansewer.

We will just move on to another R and do it all over again.

This is the time the reall DBing starts, once they come home. You really do have to look deep inside yourself.
Start to DB for the R, rather than to get H/W back.

Anyway im rambling,

Sue

[cruiserrg]

This is the time the reall DBing starts, once they come home. You really do have to look deep inside yourself.
Start to DB for the R, rather than to get H/W back.

Thats is a great post, and I think this point sums up fairly well what I must do. I even wrote the last line on my monitor to remind me everyday. Thanks for the tip, I DB'ed my W back home, now I need to DB for the relationship. I hope we can get further down this road so it gets easier, for me it seems every day since the move has had a difficult moment or two (read full details in my thread). I do see we are moving every so slightly ahead, I just have to be patient, and hope my W can be with me.

'cause I don't know if I would be able to DB again if she ever left again. Thanks for the inpirational comments.

[Trying24now]

Betsey,

You asked:

Now that the truth is here in black and white, can you tell me why this is a path we choose?

Damn GOOD question, I just wish I had a real answer. I know for ME...the phase I'm currently in with my H is that of seething anger/resentment/frustration....and oddly enough it's directed more at myself, than at him.

I'm in the second quessing myself mode. I'm asking myself, why did I want him back? Do I really love him or did I just need to win? If THIS is 'winning' WHAT have a won? A broken man? A man that lost his moral compass? A man that perhaps I never really knew and may never 'really' know?

Before my H came back home 10-1-03, I thought ALL or MOST of the answers would be found in the unpacking of his suitcase and putting his clothes back in his dresser and our closet....BUT, the answers STILL aren't all there and I still haven't even conjured up all the relevant questions.

I have repeatedly told myself...give it time...we didn't fall apart in a day/week/month and we're not going to put Humpty back on the wall anytime soon.

My eyes are WIDE open, I'm truly seeing my H and Myself for who we really always were, who we are now, and who we have the potential to be...both individually and as a couple.

To ME, the jury is still out on whether or not this reconciliation will succeed...BUT...the biggest difference now than before is that the decision is MINE and MINE ALONE to make because I'm not afraid anymore. I have given myself permission to love this man until he has shown me that he will never/can never be worthy of that love...and if I decide that that's the case. I will lovingly repack his things and we will both go on with our own lives.

The blessing of having them home is that we are now in a position to step back from the immediate madness of the entire sitch and take a deep breath. NOW we get to watch closely to see if the warts they bear have the capacity to be permanent and destructive to our lives. NOW, we are in a postion to make a sound judgement (or at least saner judgement) for OUR well being and OUR personal future.

T2

[Underdog]

T24,

I appreciate the follow up wisdom here (and Tal and Reuben too). I'm not one for anxiety attacks, but this stuff is so hard to realize, knowing that where I am right now is very UNFUN. More UNFUN in 2004?

I was considering grabbing 2 nonstick frying pans and either whacking him last night or myself. But I opted to remain home and sleep in my bed as opposed to a jail cell or a hospital room.

I know it's worthless to worry about things that may or may not happen... but this thread had my panties in a tangle because it brought to the marquee whether or not I really want what I'm fighting for.

I still don't really know that answer, but I'll wait until I do.

Thanks and big hugs to all,

Betsey

[Trying24now]

You know Betsey, those little snap up white straight jackets with the fashionably looooonnnnnnggggg sleeves can be wonderfully relaxing I think. If you decide to order one, please get an extra in size medium for me. In the meanwhile we'll both just sit here and await the miracle of reconciliation OR the miracle of release...which ever is our fate.
T2

[cruiserrg]

I know it's worthless to worry about things that may or may not happen... but this thread had my panties in a tangle because it brought to the marquee whether or not I really want what I'm fighting for.

I still don't really know that answer, but I'll wait until I do.

Betsey,

I am totally in this place too. My biggest fear at the moment is that my W has changed into someone that I don't want to be with. I am trying to keep in mind that I am living with an alien and that as she starts to come to terms with her guilt, depression, and selfessness the real W I love will begin to show through.

I just wish she would open up to me more so I could help her with dealing with many of the same fears I have.

[Underdog]

Reuben and T24,

I'm really glad you have started and contributed to this thread. I know that Tal is also putting some good related information on her thread as well.

I think you've brought to light the fact that DBing will be a way of life for a really long time (maybe always) in dealing with your W and her newfound decision to work on things with you.

I have to keep telling myself that it requires allowing that person to find their own way back and just being patient that you are part of the journey. Well, hell, we could have avoided this entire experience and done that anyway, don't you think?

However, I guess it's important to keep the lessons we've learned in mind and apply them to the lives we are living (sort of like applying math to real life).

Best wishes for you and your W... I'm pulling for you, guy. Just wave at me and T24 if you see us on the side of the road wriggling out of the jackets!

Betsey