Quote: Now that the truth is here in black and white, can you tell me why this is a path we choose?
Damn GOOD question, I just wish I had a real answer. I know for ME...the phase I'm currently in with my H is that of seething anger/resentment/frustration....and oddly enough it's directed more at myself, than at him.
I'm in the second quessing myself mode. I'm asking myself, why did I want him back? Do I really love him or did I just need to win? If THIS is 'winning' WHAT have a won? A broken man? A man that lost his moral compass? A man that perhaps I never really knew and may never 'really' know?
Before my H came back home 10-1-03, I thought ALL or MOST of the answers would be found in the unpacking of his suitcase and putting his clothes back in his dresser and our closet....BUT, the answers STILL aren't all there and I still haven't even conjured up all the relevant questions.
I have repeatedly told myself...give it time...we didn't fall apart in a day/week/month and we're not going to put Humpty back on the wall anytime soon.
My eyes are WIDE open, I'm truly seeing my H and Myself for who we really always were, who we are now, and who we have the potential to be...both individually and as a couple.
To ME, the jury is still out on whether or not this reconciliation will succeed...BUT...the biggest difference now than before is that the decision is MINE and MINE ALONE to make because I'm not afraid anymore. I have given myself permission to love this man until he has shown me that he will never/can never be worthy of that love...and if I decide that that's the case. I will lovingly repack his things and we will both go on with our own lives.
The blessing of having them home is that we are now in a position to step back from the immediate madness of the entire sitch and take a deep breath. NOW we get to watch closely to see if the warts they bear have the capacity to be permanent and destructive to our lives. NOW, we are in a postion to make a sound judgement (or at least saner judgement) for OUR well being and OUR personal future.
