A twist on cake-eating & dropping a bomb of my own

[2Times2Many]

He sent flowers for our anniversary. The card read:

Even though I am away, I don't forget. Happy Anniversary. Love you.

So I got two "I love you" messages today. You are right. It does sound like he doesn't want to lose me. I actually know this. I suppose I am being too "needy" by expecting or wanting more. All I want is his time - more time here with me rather than away. I need to feel like I am at least as important as his business over there (he knows that) and I feel like I am not as important. I suppose I want more than he is capable of right now. I have such a hard time with that. Sort of like give me an inch and I want a mile. I am obviously not a patient person and need to learn to be one.

As far as GAL, I have been sick since before Christmas. I have spent every weekend "resting" and trying to get back on my feet (at least so I could function at the office). So, I haven't done a lot for the past month. Normally I would be doing projects around the house ... usually painting. We bought a "used" home several years ago and I have spent a lot of time trying to make it "ours" ... painting, redecorating, etc But, with the exception of a couple of small projects, I am about done with that.

I put a lot of effort into making the home look festive for the holidays, but that effort was pretty much unnoticed ... I guess I sat on the couch watching TV and elves came in to decorate.

I go to dinner with a couple of friends regularly ... friends he has come to dislike, ironically because he told them about his antics in India months before I knew what was going on and I think he is embarrassed that they know too much about our issues. Or, he has figured out that they don't approve of how he has treated me.

I like to travel and have planned a couple of trips without him. Just about every time he finds out about them, he asks to join me. I know ... that is a good thing. But, I am moving on and doing what I like to do and that just doesn't register. I have another (kind of big) trip on the agenda. I won't tell him about that one ahead of time.

I travel to my kids and sister's place pretty regularly (they are all about a 6 hour drive from here). Many of those trips take place when he is not here.

I make plans to see Broadway shows that come to town and usually plan them for when he is home. I make an attempt to "be busy" when he is here ... but he always asks if I want company and ends up coming along.

I really don't understand why he thinks all I do is sit on then couch and watch TV. I admit, i have done that a lot for the past two weeks, but I've been sick and have been trying to get over it. Sitting on the couch and watching movies has been better than lying in bed staring at the ceiling while trying to shake what ails me

He claims he never watches TV or movies anymore and when he is home, the TV is rarely turned on. When it is, he is the one who wants to "catch up" on shows we used to watch together that he enjoyed and has not seen. And, he asks if I have seen any good movies he might enjoy ... then finds and watches them when he goes back. Then he tries to claim it is me that wants to do nothing but watch TV and he has no interest in that!

I don't go to bars or have a group of friends that I go out with to drink and party or put myself in a position to get attracted to someone of the opposite sex (which he did) that would cause issues between h and I. It is becoming increasingly obvious to me that he judges my GAL activities based on his GAL activities over there. Since alcohol, parties and late nights are not "my thing" I suppose he thinks I have no life!

I am rapidly reaching the point where I think the only way he will "see" that I do have a life when he is not here is to just leave town and not be here when he is home. The problem with that is I don't want him here in the house without me.

It is so frustrating ... he has dumped the business and the maintenance of this old home on me and that alone fills up my time. But because I don't do all of that and then go out and party with friends on top of that, I have no life and I am boring!

In an effort to do a 180 and "prove" him wrong, I looked for and found a women's "over 45" group to get involved with, but I am still debating that. I am a huge introvert and am extremely self-conscience around people I don't know. It takes time for me to warm up to strangers. He knew this when he married me (It's one of the things that was so awesome about out R - we complemented each other perfectly) ... and I feel like he is trying to change who I am. I realize that there is a point where I just have to say ... no, that is not who I am and you knew this. I can't change who I am to satisfy your new demands of who you think you want right now.

I am not a workout type, so a gym membership is not for me. There are some online courses that interest me (just for fun), but, again, that is not partying with people and I've done it before, so it wouldn't impress him (although I am looking at a course about body language - that might get his attention!)

Anyway, that is where I am. I would love some suggestions for 180's for an introverted, self-conscience old fart that would work in this situation.

2T2M