When WAs Come Home (Where do we go from here?)

[cruiserrg]

This is a really good discussion and very pertinent to my sitch.

T2, your post is so very true, and really is helping me understand what we both are going through.

Patrick, no I don't regret moving her back in. It all for me is just really about my fears and insecurity about the R.

Tal, thank you also for pointing out to have no one give up. It will be a surprise for everyone that when all the work of getting over the mountain to get the WA home, there is another one right behind it you must also climb. Marc_d put it well in my thread that this is the cross we must carry (our R) and it continues much beyond the homecoming.

My thread will explain my sitch better. For me right now the fear that I may not like my W the way she is now. I have to remind myself that as other stated, they have even more guilt when home and still have alien behaviors. It adds fuel to the fire when we expect too much to soon and forget to look for the baby steps and keep DBing.

This is where I am going wrong. Last night all the emotions and feeling I have been repressing came out. Luckily I knew to get out of the house and it took me a 2 hour drive to even calm down enough to come home. I highly suggest that during your DBing and the homecoming to find a save vent for your anger so you can get down to the real emotions of fear, sadness and confusion.

Also keep in mind your WA has some of the same fears, and has guilt on top of it. My W and I got into another R talk tonight because of my fears. She said she thought she might stay with a friend for the night. My fear manifested itself into R talks and trying to talk my way into her heart. It failed miserably, and she even said "thanks for making me feel so guilty".

Luckily before she left I sat down and tried to come up with a solution. I first said "I know this is going to sound like I am fixing things, but I need to say this to help us. I know we want to work this out together. She agreed. I told her that me going into an R talk is my fear surfacing when she talks about doing something I would be hurt by (like staying out all night with friends). I said that if she wanted less R talk, that it would help me if she was more attentive and loving, especially if I go into an R talk due to fear. Specifically, to let me know what she is doing, when she may be home, and to call me and let me know if she was late. I said just give me a hug and kiss and tell me not to talk about it and start doing more things like a loving W would do. I said the more attentive and loving she could be that less I would want to talk out my fears."

She agreed with this and thought it would help. She kissed me goodbye and asked if it helped, and I said yes. I then hugged her and asked if she would please come home tonight, and she agreed.

I know have to start working again on the basics of DBing, and I will have to re-read the book again and focus now on my WA being home. I just wish we had a honeymoon when she came home, because for me its just like before she left. I really pray to God that its working in reverse and she will slowly become the W I have always loved.