wife moved to.parents house last week scared

[paul19510]

ok just venting I guess.....the W just came to pick up D13. I was making dinner and she sat in the driveway with the motor running waiting for D13 to finish getting ready. we used to talk about how that was rude to do. How when you came to someone's house, you went to the door and you came in if they weren't ready....I dunno. She's like an alien. If I had to pick her to go out with, I would not.

She saw my in the kitchen window working at the sink and just sat there and stared....this really can get better???

[3boymom]

Paul - No need to mention how long you have been separated. Unfortunately, your W does not care and is likely not sad, at least not in the same way that you care. No need to point it out to her. I would avoid any mention of S or D. It will just fuel her desire to continue down that path.

I know that it hurts that your W is distant and acting like an alien. There will be a million things that go against your W's prior opinions/values/morals. Don't let the little things get you down. Keep on living your life. Let her see that your life with the kids will continue whether or not she is there.

[paul19510]

thanks 3. Good to know. I guess it would be nice to think she hurts too b/c of this mess.

She took D13 with her for the night but did not tell me she was keeping her. I just texted her to ask and said the following

m: is L with you across the street?
W: yes she forgot to tell you she said sorry
M: I asked that stuff was between us. I consider it a sign a mutual respect and good faith that you would communicate with me abt the kids. I don't feel I am unfair to ask that.
W:I thought she told you. She forgot, no one is trying to disrespect you. she forgot.
M: I understand that L forgot. I don't feel that she was disrespecting me. She's a kid. I'd simply like that you and I could communicate directly about the kids and when they are with you so I'm not guessing I'd consider that an act of mutual respect and good faith to each other. Thanks. Have a good night.
btw Caiti is going to the farm show with Tyler and his family Early AM. Wanted to make sure you knew that.

did I do ok with that?

[paul19510]

looking back on it now....no big deal, but I would have just said Ok thanks. good night. I don't thinks she really cares about my ideas of mutual respect or good faith. But it does bother me that she is taking the kids and not saying something or relying on them to tell me. maybe because the are older, I should just let it go.

I can't seem to do anything that is correct by W. she also told the kids about her moving out without me. Didn't bother her at all. When I found out that she was definitely set to leave on the 5th I said, we should tell the kids . she said, "oh, I already did that...." Feeling stressed. I should have just let it go.

[juliegayle]

I find that I just let it go alot these days. .. I only force the issue when I think kids well being may be in jeopardy.

I am a person who NEVER let it go so this is a total 180 and actually makes life so much easier.

[paul19510]

Julie, I agree. and thanks. I guess its not the end of the world. My text was probably a minor annoyance to W and myself at this point . Just keep swimming.

I guess for some reason I saw this whole process unfolding differently than it is. I thought we'd live separate, but communicate and get out some time to kind of figure things out. nothing's going like that. I feel like giving up.

[MrBond]

" she said, "oh, I already did that...." Feeling stressed. I should have just let it go."

No that was the time you should have laid out the ground rules for her in terms of keeping you informed of things. She's not even thinking about being a "responsible" mother right now. YOU have to lay down the law for that.

[paul19510]

Ok Bond. I agree. I will this with my db coach 1/9. We set some things in place last month. I have watched for signs of change but have very few positive signs as of today. Time to change things up a little. I just don't know how. I have already told W explicitly that I want us to communicate directly abut when and where the kids are. D13 is pretty much the only one getting time with W b/c she's still interested in horses. If she were not, I feel that wife would jot be interested in her W's much. She's. Already back burnered the other 2 kids. An occasional text or call is what they get. She complains that s12 doesn't. Respond much. I told her he's. Detaching. We all are. I wonder if she thinks we're. All crying over her or what. I don't know her anymore. Shes a nice person but not to me and she's. Not very interested. In my kids unless they ride horses.

[paul19510]

Journaling. HIIT class went very well at the Y today. sweated and worked the anxiety away. Still railing against this stuff today. My mind is spinning. I am trying to focus on work and the L meeting this morning.

I don't want this. I keep trying to understand why W walked away from a man and children who want to be a family. Why we could not just go out and enjoy each other more often like I asked and why she would not participate in family life unless it was regarding her equestrian stuff.

I guess I'll never really know. It doesn't have to make sense to me. It makes sense to W. I hope for Reconciliation, but have NO IDEA how that's even possible. I am barely in contact with W and actually right now, that feels better.

Class did feel good, but my stress level is high today. Not sure I understand that, but, I guess just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. Perhaps this too shall pass.

3, you mentioned that this doesn't really affect W the same way it does me. We're all hurting. How could it be that she is not? How could someone make a life and then just throw it away??? mind still spinning. maybe the shower will help to quiet my mind. Unfortunately had to take one anxiety pill this morning. Was doing so good with it too

I understand that I have t be patient to see if things will work and continue to GAL. I did a good thing this morning regarding that. when I spoke with the teacher after class this morning, we chatted about me and my background because I am new. I told him I really enjoyed the class to help relieve stress. I deliberately decided NOT to tell him what the stress is from. previously I might have.

I cannot define myself by this or introduce myself and then mention that there's this thing in my life right now. its only one part of a whole big life and I have to remember that and not define myself as a man who is separated from his W. I am just Paul. A father, a son and a friend to people. nothing more needs to be said to people who don't know me and are becoming new friends to me. My journey continues.

Oh I almost forgot, when I met my W, I had recently broken off from a very passionate R with a girl who was separated and decided to stay in her marriage (I was very naïve then). I really loved her and was crushed when we split up. Anyway, I stopped all contact and GAL, met my W and continued on with my life. And, this person divorced and pursued me until there where no options.

so, looking at this, I understand, that GAL and moving forward and truly letting her go was what caused the possibility to even talk to her again and consider a R with her. Although it was not to be, I realize today that a similar path must be followed in order to maintain my dignity and to move forward with or without my W. am I getting this??

[paul19510]

positive development this morning with regards to kids. W texted that most schools in area had closed due to Artic temps. our district didn't., she texted to ask my opinion about holding our kids out of class today and stated her's.

I thought that was more cooperative than previous things. I kept my comments short and sweet and didn't even mention a "thank you for cooperating..." kind of thing. I just moved along. she responded pleasantly. Not getting Bad feedback is a start. Not reading into it. Just saying its better than arguing, fighting and stonewalling.