Righting my Marital ship; 1st stop: Retrouvaille

[LITB]

My final update on my sitch and some lessons that I learned along the way:

It has been just over 3 years since the original bomb and I have reached the other side. My STBX and I were separated for exactly 18 months before agreeing to reconcile. These efforts lasted about 6-7 months before the wheels came off for good. Honestly, it seemed as though we were doing well. We had attended a Retrouvaille weekend and were attending the post sessions. I thought we had gained some profound relationship skills from the program. There were many points where I felt we were on the right path.

Here is the thing. You can have all the relationship skills in the world, but if you choose not to use them, they are rendered useless. My STBX chose not to use them to help fix our M/R. I will never understand why not, however I don’t worry about it anymore. I know in my heart that I did everything within me to make things work. I am not responsible to bear her cross. I know that I can look back at this time in my life without any regret. And, my kids know it through my actions as well, despite their ages. That means the world to me and they motivated me to ensure every rock was turned.

So here we are. A year after the second round of calamity. This past Friday, we met and have agreed to amicably end our M by filing an uncontested D. We have the agreements from the first filings, so we are good to go without attorneys. We co-parent really well and get along perfectly fine. Our lives are simply on different paths. For the most part, our kids are doing well, however they have been undoubtedly affected by our sitch. Our S7 has been lashing out at his mom for about a month now. If it were up to him, he would live with me full-time. As it is, we share 50/50 custody. I am going to look into getting him some help.

So short of my family living as one unit in harmony, this is the best outcome that I could have hoped for. Things are much more clear for me on what I want in a relationship. My relationship skills are much improved and they will always be a work in progress.

At the beginning of my mess, I took on all the weight on my shoulders for the demise of our M/R. I posted a list of her complaints in one of my threads early on. I recently read it and came away shocked at how much that I was in the fog myself. I owned all of her complaints, even though some of them were not valid. The reason I say that, is because I addressed many of my issues(her complaints), but she found new things to complain about the second time around. I realize if a person wants to focus on the negative, they will find something to complain about.

Also, I was content on settling for crumbs early on. I’d hang onto the slightest positive or at times, anything that even appeared to be a positive. It was pathetic, for lack of a better term. I understand, because I was in a fog and an emotional wreck. It has been the most difficult thing that I have experienced and that includes losing my dad to cancer at the beginning of the same year as the initial bomb and my best friend….unexpectedly the following year. In ’09, we were all sitting in my sister’s living room for Christmas (my parents, my STBX and my best friend and his wife), I would have never in my wildest dreams would have ever imagined losing it all shortly after that. I would have never imagined doing my dad’s eulogy less than 3 weeks later. My STBX dropping the bomb and being in the midst of a couple of affairs. Doing another eulogy for my best friend who unexpectedly passed away 20 months after that Christmas. Yet, my STBX turned her back on me when I needed her most.

I’ll admit, typing that brought some raw emotions to the surface. I will tell you that I have become a better person because of all of that. We can look at those obstacles that keep us in stuckville or we can look at those obstacles as opportunities to learn and grow. I used my time to grow. I had no idea where life would lead, so I gave it to God, kept the faith and kept living. Life awaits no one. That was one of my mottos.

I became super involved with church. I am now on the church council. I created a FB prayer group to help encourage others who are facing difficulties in their lives. I started an All Pro Dad chapter at the school my children attend, which began in November. It had a super turn-out and it has been received well. We plan to make it an ongoing event. Submitted my application recently to be a big brother for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. A lot of doors have been opening for me. Life is really good these days.

Of course in on fairness to transparency, I have begun to date someone and it seems to have a lot of potential. She is well aware of my sitch, because communication is key and we have a mutual respect for one another. We will see where it goes. I am especially cognitive of my surroundings and I am protective of my children.

Good luck on your respective DB’ing journey and if I can help, I will try.

Peace,
Ben