this is my first post. i discovered michelle's books and this site in late November. my husband moved out 5/26/13. i don't know where to begin. we were married in Feb 2010. Very happy and in love. He's very passive though and a people pleaser. Always does what his family wants, what I wants, his boss wants. Tries to make everyone happy. I've always been crazy about him, but I was at times picky/hard to please/easily upset. I'd never say a bad word or yell, but I'd get easily disappointed if he was late or if something bothered me. I may have cried or gotten quiet and upset for a half hour or so and then I'd usually be over it. If I'd ask him if I bothered him or I'd tried to apologize he'd say oh it's ok no problem and he'd act like it didn't bother him.
I went to therapy in October 2012 to work on how I get disappointed and I had asked him to come to therapy with me last winter, just to tell the therapist what things bothered him. He finally came out with a bunch of examples of how this bothered him or that time I got upset about that bothered him. It was hard to hear how I had hurt him and tough because he'd never told me, but I was also glad we were finally getting this stuff out so that it wouldn't keep going on like this.
One day last January 2013, he told me his brother asked him if we'd buy his parents plane tickets here to visit from their country. I tried to discuss it with my husband since we'd been saving up to buy a house, but he took it like my wanting to discuss it meant that I didn't want to buy their tickets. He couldn't talk about it at all though because now I see how much he felt like he was in the middle between me and his family and he couldn't please us all. I simply wanted to discuss it and I didn't like that his brother could just tell us what we're doing/buying. Some of that is cultural, but I just wanted to discuss it. The more silent he'd be, the more I'd get upset and then he said his brother asked if he'd drive three hours back to pick them up at the airport in the middle of winter. One night I did yell at him just to get a rise out of him I guess but it just made him cry and feel hurt/scared of me. I wish I hadn't said anything, but I got upset because we hadn't even talked about his brother's other request. We had never really fought before and he didn't know how to handle a "conflict" and so he just shut down. A month later when his parents came, his family didn't stop asking me "what's wrong with him? is there something at work? he's not happy..." I felt like he and I hadn't had a chance to resolve this between us privately, so I didn't feel comfortable talking to his family about it. Two weeks after his parents were here, he ended up in the hospital for a week with blood in urine and bad kidney pain. The doctors said it may have been a blood vessel that had burst. There was no permanent damage, but the family was convinced that he was sick because of "stress" since the doctors never found any other cause and so they were all convinced that it was "stress" because he was unhappy in his marriage. I was so hurt by this. Yes, I often got picky or upset or nagging for small things, but it wasn't all the time and I was such a loving wife too.
His mom told him some untrue, hurtful things when he was in the hospital. Told him I didn't translate/tell her everything the doctor had told me. That simply was not true. Also, one night he stayed at his brother's house and I stayed at home. They took him to the Emergency room in the middle of the night and the next morning I called him to see how he felt while I was on my way to work. He said he was ok. I called again at my break and he told me he was in the ER again and had been there all night and they were about to do an angiogram on his kidney. I left work and went straight to the hospital. I couldn't believe his family never told me he was there all day. I can't imagine how mad they would've been at me if I hadn't told them he was there. When I got to the hospital, I saw his mom and I asked her where he was. She told me they had taken him already and I started to cry. I think I was exhausted and worried about him and sad I didn't get to see him or be there with him before this procedure. I then called my mom and and friend and I found a doc to speak with. My brother in law's wife was also there at the time and I told them I was going to go find the building they were bringing him to after the procedure. When I left, my sis in law texted me and told me we shouldn't cry in front of my husband. I was so hurt. H wasn't even there and it was the only time in a week of this i had cried and I had watched him mom cry all week and had always tried to comfort her. Later when the doc called me, I told my sis in law and mom everything he said and my sis in law said do you want to call h's brother to tell him and I said i'm kind of tired, do you want to call and she said ok. then i went to call my mom and a friend back. when i came back in room, mother in law yelled at me for not calling h's brother. I was shocked. She said i thought you were too tired to talk on the phone, so why were you on the phone and you couldn't even call his brother. his brother was so worried today that he cried. i was speechless. his brother cried? but i got in trouble with her for crying -at least his brother knew he was in the hospital. I was at work with no idea!
Long story- next day my dad came for a few days because I felt so alone there. my h's family was all mad at me and cold towards me because they said I didn't tell her everything the doctor said and I didn't "greet his mom" when I walked into the ER. My h was mad at me and stayed with brother for a week after getting out of hospital. When he came home, I tried not to say anything about his family, but then he brought it up and said it was my fault. I got upset and said I feel like they didn't respect me. H moved out a month later and the mother and father stayed in the country to "take care" of my husband. He said it wasn't going to work and that he was scared of me and that he wasn't happy, felt I was too needy and controlling and that it shouldn't be this hard. My husband didn't work for a month and barely spoke to me. I did some undivorcebusting friendly behavior. Called him crying, went to the hosptial for antidepressants, called h's friend since h wasn't talking to me. His mom was literally by his side for months. I did give him space, and only saw each other a few times in the fall. One time we saw each other, I was able to be a bit more calm and detached but the other two times, I was more anxious and clingy and did all the wrong things. He called me in Oct before taking a trip with his family and said dont wait for him and that he was tired of thinking for months so it was over. I asked do you want a divorce and he said yes.
So in late november I contacted him. I really thought it was over and he looked less angry at me. He said he had gotten family pressure and said it was always hard for him to disappoint me and said he could never disappoint his mom either. Once I sensed that he was unsure, I kind of pounced and was overly optimistic and cheerleadering instead of just validating. He acted confused and cried a lot. I said what do you want me to do- he said i want you to be independent. I said if we are going to try, then we need to see each other, spend time together and I know I came on too strong. I said do you want me to contact you and he said i dont know, no i will contact you. Then I found Michelle's books right after that and was able to back off again. I did text him and say I'm sorry for talking too much last time and he said no that I did listen to him more the last time. I then asked him last week out of the blue to go to a concert with me and he said he didn't feel like it, but then wrote oh didn't you go to your family's for christmas. I said i was on my way there. I thought it was a good baby step that he even wondered what I was doing. I'm just scared to do anything now. But I haven't seen him since november and haven't asked him much since then. I may ask him to meet for coffee or soemthing. he got some mail here and i told him and he said just keep it until i'll get it.....very vague.
i know i have to chill out and i've travelled and i'm doing a lot of yoga and doing other fun things/trying to have fun and work on myself and just do some things differently. But I do want to just get a tiny read on him. i know my mistake is to bring up relationship talks or to look for a big answer from him, but very hard to not act disappointed- but that's what he's so scared of is to disappoint me-that's what he didn't like about our relationship was his fear of disappointing me so now I have to even watch my facial expressions when I see him or the tone of my voice so that I dont show my disappointment. So hard!!
Thanks for reading all this if you got this far!! Yes, one of my "problems" is that I talk/write too much. Any suggestions on how to work on that or any other feedback would be welcomed!
I have talked to a DB coach and he suggested just going dark a bit or if I do contact H, just to keep it light.
