When I say that I want a spouse who understands this, I am not saying that I want a spouse who is sexually matched with me. I am saying that I want a spouse who truly loves and values me enough to make meeting my needs a priority in her life.
I see your point. Yes, I could appreciate sex given in a good spirit even if she didn't enjoy it much herself. It would depend on the mood and the context.
But in a real long-term marriage, what you've stated above is still a bit of a fantasy. What you would need to add to the last sentence is ", even during times when she deeply resents things I've done or failed to do." And there just aren't many women who would do that.
So you might say, well, you'd have an ideal relationship in which you could always sit down and talk it through and come to a compromise. OK, but I don't know how you can assure yourself of that kind of relationship for 20 years into the future by just having a "talk" about it before you enter the relationship.
