My Picnic Blanket

[bustingout]

Hey all- I hope you are all doing well post holiday season.

Thank you For your support and kind words.

Yes KG I am still trying to influence the R between h and the kids. You know me so well ( and of course hijack away! Lol). I have been this whole time while we are separated. When we are together, I do step back and as much as possible that I am capable of now ( and I know there is ore to learn on this) so I no longer get involved in his interactions with the kids when we are together. And as muc as possible put forth a mutual front with them when it comes to discipline etc


It's getting better- this trip proved that.

But this trip also scared me.

We didn't stay in Dubai- we came back home. The kids were sad to leave h - they cried. So in the airport I said to them they should tell him how the feel. They did. They said that they want him to live with us again. And that the next time he comes here they want him to stay with us. H was silent and then avoided the question. I butted in. I said ok - but h you still haven't responded to the kids' question. So he nodded his head and said ok i will think about it and tell you next time I come .

I felt like a facilitator of a conversation more than anything else- so removed and emotions less from it.

So we said our goodbyes to h and went on our flight.

Got home and I had a mini meltdown. Alone again. Confused by h and scared too. Coming down from a high I suppose. Two weeks of family time - with h being he most engaged he has been in three years...

I try and make all my decisions based on what is good for me and the kids. I can't put my needs over theirs. I work on being positive and grateful for every day and sometimes hour.

I know I haven't always stayed out of the R between h and the kids - I pass on feelings and situations and behaviour- and sometimes I have stepped the one and said that he does not prioritise them emotionally.

It is better today than it was before.

I just don't know what it means anymore., I'm so sad and lonely. I do want him to come back but I know it's probably not going to happen. I want love. I want to have a partner in my life and feel valued. I don't want infatuation - I want the deep love, the higher love that develops between two people that have shared life together.

My SIL is so proud of me - of what I have accomished for myself over this time. She hopes my family will be put together again too.

I don't know if I have the strength. H is diifcult - stubborn - complicated.

I know very much what I want. I need to decide based on me and the kids alone. Not the 'what it's' of h.

And I believe I have been doing that.

KG it wasn't a custody proposal- it was a proposal about how we can start heal g our children. H knows that I believe bringing the family together is how I think we can heal them.