My Picnic Blanket

[bustingout]

Thanks LITB- that's so kind of you. You have helped me so much along the way.

I will think about it Ruby. I see your point. My fear of the kids being disappointed after this trip is really holding me back

[JuneReN]

Busting, you know your kids best. If your antennae are up then listen

[LoisB]

Busting,

I'm so glad you've had a nice holiday as a family. My heart smiled reading about the time you, H and the kids had together.

I see no shame in quitting while you are ahead. If you feel you need to retreat some now, then do what YOU need to protect your heart and your kids. He's still a gamble right now, only you know what is best for you right now.

Love to you in this New Year,

Heather

[willbwell]

busting, I know when my h has talked about a plan for the kids, it is hard not to get those expectations up a bit. I see me and the kids as a package deal. my h wants a relationship with them just not with me right now.
If you are comfortable going to Dubai, and doing it on your own...just like your safari trip... then go explore, do, if the kids get more time with h then great, that's a bonus.

I agree with Heather though, he is still a gamble and ending the vacation on a high note will be a great memory for you and your children. maybe even for your h!

[bustingout]

Hi Ruby, Heather and WBW

Thank you for your support and thoughts. I agree h is a gamble still and I do want to end on a high and feeling strong. It's very hard already leaving to seperate countries again. I'm itching to talk to him but I know that won't do anything now and he still has his own demons to battle. Maybe time is needed to absorb the greatness of this trip.

We'll see

[keep_going]

Busting,

Happy New Year!

I see a lot of good advice here for you on this one.

Yes, perhaps it's good to quit while you are ahead and leave the kids, you and H with good memories AS LONG as it works for YOU.

I do see you keep trying to "fix" your H's R with the kids...

I am with Ruby on this one. If you do something (like going to Dubai), it has to be about YOU. Make the trip fun for you and the kids.
But have NO EXPECTATIONS about your H. If he joins you guys, great. If not, you still have an amazing time!


And don't make excuses for him. Always be truthful with your kids. They are smart and they deserve that. If they ask if dad is joining, say "Daddy might be working and he might not be able to join us, but we will have a great time doing x and y..."

Goes back to accepting and living your reality the best way you can, which is exactly that - sometimes H is there and sometimes he isn't. What your H does is out of your control and the truth is that you really don't know what he will do, but either way, make it OK. There is nothing wrong in expressing that reality to your kids either. Acceptance and making the best of your current situation is what is best for your kids. As mothers we want to shelter them from all pain and suffering, but we can't. The truth is that they will feel pain (they have been for 3 years now) and you cannot avoid that. So teach them that despite hurt and pain, life goes on and you can be strong and THRIVE. There is no such thing as a painless life - for anyone.

The key here is to make them feel ok with this current situation. How? Your strength will make them feel stable, not the excuses or actions you take to save face for your H. It's OK not to have all the answers.


Remember - everything has to be about what works for YOU, not him. You are not responsible for him or his R with the kids. You are responsible for your R with your kids and you are doing an amazing job at that.

Re. H's request for a proposal, is he asking for a custody proposal? I am not sure I am following... My question there - why can't HE give YOU a proposal?

(((((busting))))))

[Pudmuddle]

hi busting. just catching up on your sitch. you've got some great advice from the girls up there^^^.

Stay strong my friend.

[tigerlily78]

Busting, it does sound like you should try to step back and let the positive experience sink in and not try to push too much just yet.

I think Kate and Heather's suggestions were really good about how to handle things with the kids. You have to be willing to step up and take chances, but do it knowing full well your H might flake out or make a decision you won't like... so be sure you are prepared for that before you put yourself in these situations. Either have no expectations (tough I know), or at the very least have your script ready to explain the let down to the kids in a way that doesn't feed their disappointment... let them hold on to the idea that Dad is busy and WOULD be there if he was able to properly choose.

[keep_going]

Thanks LITB- that's so kind of you. You have helped me so much along the way.

Don't mean to hijack, but I saw LITB and wanted to say hi. (Busting, dear friend, I know you won't mind)

LITB - I looked but didn't find any recent posts on your thread. I hope you update us all on your life soon. Hope is well with you and your beautiful kids!

[bustingout]

Hey all- I hope you are all doing well post holiday season.

Thank you For your support and kind words.

Yes KG I am still trying to influence the R between h and the kids. You know me so well ( and of course hijack away! Lol). I have been this whole time while we are separated. When we are together, I do step back and as much as possible that I am capable of now ( and I know there is ore to learn on this) so I no longer get involved in his interactions with the kids when we are together. And as muc as possible put forth a mutual front with them when it comes to discipline etc


It's getting better- this trip proved that.

But this trip also scared me.

We didn't stay in Dubai- we came back home. The kids were sad to leave h - they cried. So in the airport I said to them they should tell him how the feel. They did. They said that they want him to live with us again. And that the next time he comes here they want him to stay with us. H was silent and then avoided the question. I butted in. I said ok - but h you still haven't responded to the kids' question. So he nodded his head and said ok i will think about it and tell you next time I come .

I felt like a facilitator of a conversation more than anything else- so removed and emotions less from it.

So we said our goodbyes to h and went on our flight.

Got home and I had a mini meltdown. Alone again. Confused by h and scared too. Coming down from a high I suppose. Two weeks of family time - with h being he most engaged he has been in three years...

I try and make all my decisions based on what is good for me and the kids. I can't put my needs over theirs. I work on being positive and grateful for every day and sometimes hour.

I know I haven't always stayed out of the R between h and the kids - I pass on feelings and situations and behaviour- and sometimes I have stepped the one and said that he does not prioritise them emotionally.

It is better today than it was before.

I just don't know what it means anymore., I'm so sad and lonely. I do want him to come back but I know it's probably not going to happen. I want love. I want to have a partner in my life and feel valued. I don't want infatuation - I want the deep love, the higher love that develops between two people that have shared life together.

My SIL is so proud of me - of what I have accomished for myself over this time. She hopes my family will be put together again too.

I don't know if I have the strength. H is diifcult - stubborn - complicated.

I know very much what I want. I need to decide based on me and the kids alone. Not the 'what it's' of h.

And I believe I have been doing that.

KG it wasn't a custody proposal- it was a proposal about how we can start heal g our children. H knows that I believe bringing the family together is how I think we can heal them.