Don't Break Character

[Raine]

Hey ho, Raine the phoenix here to talk about good and exciting things happening for the new year.

The kids are back in school, H is back to work, and I miss them all. We spent a lot of time together over the holidays. H and I only went out on a date once during that time. We had people over a lot, but we really focused on the family time. He and I always end up staying up way too late, hanging out, playing games, watching shows, and lots of physical activities...

H's replay buddy who recently got married is having a hard time with H not being as available. I am being a lot more open about what I do and don't enjoy doing. Hanging out multiple times a week with his replay buddies just ain't doing it for me. And these are tame buddies in the MLC scheme of things. I'm not talking about ow or drinking, just immature and different stage of life buddies. One night his main buddy wanted to get together and play something that I am just not interested in doing anymore. It just takes so long to play and really drags and I feel like I've already served my time doing it in pre and beginning reconnection phase. I told H I didn't want to, but I didn't mind if he wanted to. He told replay buddy(RB) I wasn't up for that, and RB said, "so does that mean no game or no Raine?" And H told him, no game. He wants to spend time with me.

I told H that I think RB is having a hard time with me, because H doesn't have as much time for RB as he did before. H said he really didn't notice and thinks he still spends time with him. I said he used to spend 5-6 nights a week with RB. I said 2-3 of those nights would be here, but he was still with him. H just shrugged. He just wants to be with me. He went out once without me for the first time in 3-4 weeks, and instead of staying out until midnight or later, he was home three hours later, leaving early so he could spend the rest of the night with me. He was also disappointed that after he made plans to go out that night, I went out with the kids somewhere else. He wanted to come with us instead but was already committed.

H has C scheduled again. This will be his first session back since we started reconnecting. That should be interesting. I'm happy about that, and I doubt he would have without some prodding from me. He said he needs to, and I have put the reminders out there for him to schedule it. I think he knows it needs to happen, but at the same time, he's feeling pretty good and happy and content. I'm sure right now he is just holding, thinking that if nothing changes, it will just stay this good. For me though, I need resolution and change. I need to keep moving. And I think that stagnation is what hurt us so much before.

My walls are up. I do trust that he loves me and would never hurt me and would never cheat on me again...just like I thought the same thing before BD too. So in other words, I don't trust. I think it's very unlikely. I think now he has experienced the pain that comes with it. I think he had to experience it to know. I know he does not want to get back to that place again. But there is no reason to trust that this will never happen again. There never was. There never will be. I have to take the good and take the bad with this growing up and loss of innocence. My eyes are open, and that means open to more good and bad.

Triggers are there. Far too much than I would expect. My thoughts tend to go there when I'm not thinking of anything else. These surreal moments of reality and truth, "Oh my g--, he cheated." "Oh my g--, he left me, pregnant." "Oh my g--, what am I doing?" One night I saw something. The book I stopped reading the day of owbd. And the bookmark was a list of the items we bought that evening after work, just hours before the ow discovery. I had a panic attack and H just held me, and I lost it. Crying. He just held me tight and kept talking to me, telling me, "I'm here." And then he just kept talking to me.

I keep thinking, does everyone who has had these kind of things happen to them, deal with this? It's not like my story is new. Cheating, abandonment, relationship destruction. It all happens, more often than not. Baby steps. It feels like we have been back together so much longer than we have. I have to stop and remember that I was still thinking of D just a few months ago. I'm much stronger now than I was then. This too shall pass.

Thanks so much everyone for your posts, insights, and encouragement. TB, I'll get back to you soon about where my inspiration/guidance has come from. The beginning was the DB book. But I always believed in marriage. I always fought for marriage, when it came to friends and family whose marriages were in troubled water. I just never thought I would have to fight for mine.