Hello everyone. For those of you not following my sitch, my WAW has finally moved back home and we are starting to work together on our M (slowly but surely).
I am finding that the path we are know on seems as difficult, if not more-so than the separation and time apart. Its like another bumpy path.
I thought I would start this thread to get advice from the vets on things to help deal with the "homecoming".
Things to ponder: -WA not as interested in making it work as you are -Continuing to handle the burden of the R -Fighting the new found jealously of not being the WA priority all the time -Keeping your emotions and resentment in check -DR/DBing through this very fragile time -Dealing with the "if I'm not perfect will they leave again
Thanks in advance I hope this will be a good discussion
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Yea "piecing" is lotsa of hard work ... just like working on drawing the back ... just another level of hard work.
The key here is not to trick yourself into thinking just because they moved back home it means they are recommitted to M. Equate coming home with sticking they're big toe in the pool before going in. Keeping that in the back of your mind should help when working thru your astute list.
Your list...could have been written by nearly every single person in Piecing....it is a RARE find when you have a WA return home and act like they're gungho about the reconciliation process....most are cautiously pessimistic for quite some time.
This is a whole new ride, fasten your seat belt. T2
KAW and T2, Thanks for the replies. It does help, and anyone else with advice, please post up.
I am finding this road even more difficult than the road to get her home. I am having to deal with even more difficult emotions than before. I guess I do have to keep my expectations low, but its so hard when I feel like I want to run away now.
I am feeling resentment and angery more so than I ever have had in my life, and at times feel like I'm the one falling out of love and wanting to look for a W that actually cares.
If others have been through this and have and ideas on dealing with it please let me know. I find it the hardest when my wife says something that shows she is not fully working on our M and when her words and actions make me seem like the last on her list.
Thanks again.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Come on over and check out Talista's thread she has an excellent dialog going on just this very topic.
It seems that THIS anger/resentment/wanting to be a WA ourselves is just another stage in the process. We spend time (of whatever amount) working so hard to get our WAS to come home and give our M/R the 'old school try'...and then when they do...and our energy is no longer fully focused on getting them to "CHOOSE US"....slowly after the novelty of thier return wears off...all the other NORMAL emotions we have come to the surface.
Anger/resentment etc is a powerful replacement for the previous fear of the unknown.
Once they're 'back' the rose colored glasses come off and WE begin to see the flaws that we convienently forgot existed in them when we were scratching and clawing our way back into their hearts.
They come home with any number of reservations in their mind. They resent feeling guilty about what they've done. They fear never being forgiven, they fear "THE PAYBACK" that might await THEM from us...They fear their own inability to make the R work again, they resent the fact that they will have to face the hideous consequences of their dispicable and childish choices...they can barely look at themselves and they can barely stand to have us looking at them.
It's hard on them too. We are the mirror of the greatest human failings of their life...and now, they have to figure out how to live with themselves and live with us too.
They act standoffish as a defense mechanism for thier guilt. They don't want to appear grateful for the second chance, lest we throw it in thier face eventually. They made the decisions they made because they couldn't face us and tell us what they needed BEFORE they made the choice to fail...so it's foolish for us to think that now after all the collateral damage they've caused that they can rally enough empathy for us when the vast majority of their energy is still focused on themselves.
Quote: They come home with any number of reservations in their mind. They resent feeling guilty about what they've done. They fear never being forgiven, they fear "THE PAYBACK" that might await THEM from us...They fear their own inability to make the R work again, they resent the fact that they will have to face the hideous consequences of their dispicable and childish choices...they can barely look at themselves and they can barely stand to have us looking at them.
It's hard on them too. We are the mirror of the greatest human failings of their life...and now, they have to figure out how to live with themselves and live with us too.
They act standoffish as a defense mechanism for thier guilt. They don't want to appear grateful for the second chance, lest we throw it in thier face eventually. They made the decisions they made because they couldn't face us and tell us what they needed BEFORE they made the choice to fail...so it's foolish for us to think that now after all the collateral damage they've caused that they can rally enough empathy for us when the vast majority of their energy is still focused on themselves.
I could see that look in my W's eyes the other day when she kept saying she wouldn't backpedal about trying again.
I could see the guilt on her face when her s hugged and kissed me and said he loved me.
We want them to come back because we love them and it is such a fight to get them back.
Unfortunately, we don't realize that is going to be 2x as hard when they come back. Their guilt and fear our lack of trust.
I still want it to happen but I'm nervous about it too.
Quote: They come home with any number of reservations in their mind. They resent feeling guilty about what they've done. They fear never being forgiven, they fear "THE PAYBACK" that might await THEM from us...They fear their own inability to make the R work again, they resent the fact that they will have to face the hideous consequences of their dispicable and childish choices...they can barely look at themselves and they can barely stand to have us looking at them.
It's hard on them too. We are the mirror of the greatest human failings of their life...and now, they have to figure out how to live with themselves and live with us too.
They act standoffish as a defense mechanism for thier guilt. They don't want to appear grateful for the second chance, lest we throw it in thier face eventually. They made the decisions they made because they couldn't face us and tell us what they needed BEFORE they made the choice to fail...so it's foolish for us to think that now after all the collateral damage they've caused that they can rally enough empathy for us when the vast majority of their energy is still focused on themselves.
I could see that look in my W's eyes the other day when she kept saying she wouldn't backpedal about trying again.
I could see the guilt on her face when her s hugged and kissed me and said he loved me.
We want them to come back because we love them and it is such a fight to get them back.
Unfortunately, we don't realize that is going to be 2x as hard when they come back. Their guilt and fear our lack of trust.
I still want it to happen but I'm nervous about it too.
