melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

[melissag]

Gabby, thanks for sharing your story. It helps.

Go and hate him. But he doesn't have enough power to make the rest of your life svck unless you give it to him.

I know. This sounds like blah blah blah right now, but I know I will scrape up a better PMA and I will realize it's true.

You need to worry about you and protect yourself

OK. I'll just come out and admit it. While part of me hates my H, there is another (large) part of me that continues to love and protect him. I think that he is kind of lost and always has been, because of his crazy Mom and his Dad who left when he was 1. Somehow, having freedom feels good to him right now, but I think it's really a band aid. (Kind of like controlling was for me.) And I am sad that he will most likely never find happiness because he is focusing on the wrong thing. I feel like I know him and I get him (much more now, post BD) and like we could really make things work and be happy together.

If I am being really honest, I will admit that I thought to myself, "well, I know I'm not going to get married again to someone else, so why wouldn't I just have a non-married, non-obligatory R with my H?"

Good lord, I know this is all so wrong. I just want to take care of him and make him happy. Maybe it's like an unhealthy addiction.