Wow, guys. I dont undervalue sex because i'm a woman. I dont think you guys understand. There are hd and ld women as there are men. My h for example was ld. So i dont like you saying i have my opinion because i'm a woman. Woman is not a monolithic thing and if i can generalize anyway, i think women are insulted when we're lumped together and told we all are the same.
Second, it is excruciating to me to be without sex. I miss it terribly. I miss it in theory more than the actual sex because i feel i missed out on something amazing that other people get.
But i feel less bad about it when i dont dwell on numbers and dates. What you focus on, expands. The point i was trying to make is why focus on the minutes and seconds, doesnt that exacerbate your pain? And teaearlgreyhot answered that for me.
I resent the implication that i dont feel pain because i'm a woman and us lil ole gals would never understand how really important sex is to men. I feel it but i try to avoid dwelling on it.
Sometimes i feel like a broken record in db-land because i bump into so many guys who have stereotyped women and fail to account for their vast diversity and uniqueness of any specific woman.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Something I didn't know in my teens and twenties, but have observed over the years about women. Women tend to differ more among themselves in terms of sexual interests and intensity than men. And women with very high sex drives sometimes feel like there's something wrong with them, especially when they hear messages that they "aren't like men".
So I would say you can easily have bigger differences between women than the difference between the average man and the average woman. So, for a particular man to say to a particular woman that she doesn't understand how men feel sexually, well, not necessarily. And it's often the case that one woman doesn't know how another feels sexually either, though they might seem to agree in conversation that men are often jerks, etc.
I will say this though, I do not know what it feels like to be a woman, anymore than you know what it feels like to be a man.
To make that statement, you must be either a young man who hasn't met a lot of women yet, or you haven't sought out a variety of women over the years, or you haven't had honest conversations about sex with a variety of women over the years. I can think of one woman in particular who would absolutely laugh at your statement, as she thinks the average man is a sexual slowpoke and would never tolerate a sexless relationship.
Honest conversations... thank you! That is the key. You don't know women by reading books or studying "women", you get to know ONE woman through intimate conversation, learning what she thinks, how she feels, and what she likes and doesn't like. It is really that easy. Whatever you know about "women" may apply 100% or 0% to the one woman who you're actually trying to relate to.
And to clarify why I said I missed sex "in theory," was because I was resigned that part of being married was having either no sex or lousy detached impersonal sex. Granted, I have learned there was a lot I didn't communicate, but communicating in that area seemed to really affect H's self esteem and there would be backlash, so since I "married for life" I just decided to be happy with what I had. But what I had was not what I miss, if you see what I mean.
Speaking of counting, and what you focus on expanding, when I was younger I took birth control pills, and I would get very depressed every time I threw away an empty month's case with the realization that we hadn't had any sex that month. And there were more months like that than the opposite. When I focused on it, it depressed me. That's where I was coming from with my questions here.
I'm learning to navigate between not feeling (what's the point) and obsessing or wallowing (how I feel matters). If it matters but you can't do anything about it...or have chosen not to...what do you do with those feelings. My background, which I'm trying to change, is to be cheerful and make the best of a situation WITHOUT LEARNING HOW TO CHANGE IT. I still wouldn't have D'd my H, and I had learned that he would not consider outside help, and trying to help things myself was making things worse. So I chose to not think about it, and focus on the good things as much as possible. I'm not saying that was the most healthy thing to do, but I'm trying to figure out what else there could have been.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
The good news for RockJC is that you can find the a woman who is your sexual equal, or even wants it more than you. But there is no 100% guarantee that you will be matched 20 years from now. For example, you might end up with a health problem where even Viagra doesn't do the trick and she's frustrated with you.
You helped me very much when I first came here -- I view you as very wise, and yet I continue to be completely confused by your decisions. You refer to a commitment you made to your wife and your absolute determination to honor it, yet you live an unsatisfying life to hear you describe it. You've had great personal victories in terms of weight loss and fitness that are very admirable, but you and your W seem to be locked in a type of cold war.
You refer to giving your wife reminders and making other comments that she probably interprets as slights and digs. You also set the stage for her to step up and engage in some intimacy with you again and she leaves you hanging. It's a painful thing to read about.
From what you write, she is suspicious and paranoid about losing you -- it doesn't seem at all like she's operating from a position of not caring. What is her perspective on all this? If you were describe your situation from her perspective, what would it be?
ssmguy, have you practiced open marriage yet? You seem to come here looking for people to tell you that it's okay. I'm telling you it's okay, so go do it! Why don't you do it? I haven't seen anyone take your bait and tell you you should not, you really seem to be arguing with yourself on that topic. If you want to have sex, go have it!
Originally Posted By: Adinva
But I put it out of my mind and I don't think about it.
Ad, that would simply be *impossible* for me. I could not just put sex out of my mind and not think about it. If you are able to do that, you and I live on different planets.
It is so tied into my mood and general brain function it's hard to describe, and can truly be a source of great pain.
Originally Posted By: Adinva
Honest conversations... thank you! That is the key. You don't know women by reading books or studying "women", you get to know ONE woman through intimate conversation, learning what she thinks, how she feels, and what she likes and doesn't like. It is really that easy.
It's only that "easy" if the woman knows herself and is willing to have intimate conversations. No all woman will accept that invitation or would be comfortable with that (or capable of it).
I think it's great that you are, and also that you're on here trying to help with SSM issues!
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
If I have learned anything from getting a divorce, it is that a person who is not willing to have intimate conversations is not a good candidate to be in a relationship. Because if there is no intimacy, there will eventually be no relationship.
I made a big mistake out of ignorance, but I have learned.
If you are already in such a relationship, as I was, you are SOL until someone changes or leaves.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My earlier point was not that the woman's desire for sex wouldn't change over time. She may have absolutely no sex drive.
My expectation is that even if she had no sex drive, that satisfying my sex drive would still be a priority of hers. Outside of a physical condition which prohibits sex, I don't understand the justification for "I am not in the mood".
I am never in the mood to do dishes, but the dishes still get done. And, If I had a W who appreciated the dishes getting done as much as I appreciated sex, there would NEVER be a dirty dish in the sink.
To know your spouse has this need and to let it go unsatisfied for 17 years is incredibly selfish. She is physically capable of satisfying his need, but chooses to let him suffer. A person who truly loves you would never do that.
It is not about being "Matched". It is about caring for and meeting the needs of your spouse, even when you don't enjoy it. The joy comes from meeting your spouses need, not from the act itself.
