Rise & Shine III

[3boymom]

I found this quote on another thread and just wanted to post it here so that I could find it in the future if I needed a reminder:

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Love the ones who don't just because you can. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Kiss slowly. Forgive quickly. God never said it would be easy. He just promised it would be worth it.

[Underdog]

Aw, 3boyz, I just couldn't sign off and not come over to see what was on your plate today. Hugs to you!

I know that this is completely against DBing, but I sent him an email telling him my feelings and about what S4 said. I just knew that I could not smile and pretend I was ok when H showed up for "family time." H actually thanked me for the email. He said that it meant a lot to him because he could see that I was vulnerable and not pointing fingers.

Well, how about this? Kudos to you! Sure looks like your H respected your feelings and you must have worded it well enough that he could see this. I honestly think you did fine. And for the record, if your path is anything like mine, don't expect it to be the last time. If anything, 3boyz, it helped both of us understand where we were and what the truth was at that given moment.

It is so hard because H says that there is nothing wrong with me. That I am an amazing person. He is clearly attracted to me. When we ML last week, it was so passionate. Yet, H still does not want to come back.

What I hope you can take from this is that you don't have to be anyone other than who you are. He is clearly not in a good place, and you shouldn't doubt that you are wonderful, passionate, attractive and a good mom.

For the first time, I took off my wedding rings and put them away. The attachment to the rings and to what we used to have is holding me back. Although the rings have become a symbol of unhappiness and distrust, it was my safety blanket. I had been telling myself that I was wearing them as a reminder of the commitment that I made before God to uphold my vows. But I know that God does not see to see the physical symbol of my commitment. I am finally ready to let go.

FWIW, I had to do this for the same reasons. As long as I had my beautiful ring on my finger, I could lie to myself. When I took them off, it was like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. It reminded me that no matter what my last name is, I was still Betsey, and to Betsey I was true. Obviously, it didn't change the legal aspects or the moral ones, but by having a naked hand, it made me accountable to ME how I was ME. Damn, does this make sense? From that point forward, I had to prioritize Betsey over H. Because in the end, I have to have my own back first.

All of this combined with my fear of what may happen in 2014 sent me over the edge.

Ok, now that I've established the fact that I'm old and have almost 20 years on you and have developed an anxiety disorder over the years, I can say this one with complete confidence. So I'm stating this because I'm a living lesson in this. Living in fear is a crappy way to live. Almost anything nowadays can send you scampering back to a hole. Wait until your adorable boys are bigger! I've found the best way to manage that fear and anxiety is to give it a voice. Allow it to speak. Then the adult you can talk back to it and tell it that you hear it, and take comments into consideration but that you get to decide how you're going to live. Fear is natural. But you know the worst part about fear? It isn't if it comes true... it's just imagining the path in between.

Hope you have something fun in store this weekend. You deserve it!

Hugs,

Betsey

[3boymom]

2014 ... I am glad that it is finally here. As much as I am scared about what the future may hold, I am actually really glad to be done with 2013. 2013 was the worst year of my life. And guess what - I survived. It may have been really ugly at times, but I made it.

After my NYD breakdown, I knew that I really needed to sit down and sit out my accomplishments over the past six months and my goals over the upcoming months. I often find myself so engrossed in "when will this be over and when will I be happy again" that I forgot how far I have come.

Then: I was a complete basket case. I cried every day for hours on end.
Now: I appropriately control my emotion. I allow myself to process the pain and anger, but I don't wallow.

Then: I was in so much paid that I actually contemplated on a daily basis whether I wanted to live. My kids saved me.
Now: I cannot even fathom thinking like that.

Then: I was controlling and very quick to say no.
Now: For the first time in my life, I LIVE life to the fullest. I soak in every moment. I act silly with my kids because I can. We play outside in the rain just because. I dressed up as Catwoman on Halloween to make the kids laugh. H even mentioned that he sees a huge difference in how I approach lie. I have no idea why I was so controlling before.

Then: I was entitled and thought that I was owed certain things (being a SAHM, having a daughter ,etc.). I thought that I would never find happiness until I got these things.
Now: I fully appreciate everything in my life and I no longer feel like anything is missing (with the exception of H).

Then: I hated my job because I had always assumed I would be a SAHM.
Now: I enjoy my job for what it is (still don't love it but I just don't think that I love being a lawyer). I am proud that my boys know that mommy works hard. I appreciate that I have earned a lot of respect at my firm, which provides me with several perks (flexible hours, work from home, etc).

Then: After two years of being torn apart by my H, I had no self-confidence. In the effort to justify his affair, H made me feel horrible. He was overly critical (H would make comments about my weight/body despite the fact that after all three pregnancies I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight within days of giving birth). I actually believe my H.
Now: I know that I am attractive. My confidence has returned. I am at my lowest weight since we got married. I am in shape. I take time to do my hair/makeup. I was super self conscious about my breasts post babies, so I put aside my bonus money from this year that I received from making my hours and had surgery. I never thought that I would do that (let alone admit it to anyone), but you know what, I am proud because I did it all by myself, for myself. My H knew about it, but I did not consult him because it really had nothing to do with him. I knew that in order to start a new relationship (whether it be with H or someone else), I needed to do this for myself to feel attractive again.

Then: My H and I could not be in the same room. Just taking about logistics and the kids caused WW3.
Now: H and I are amazing co-parents. We can spend the day as a family and actually enjoy our time together. If it was not for the OW, I honestly think that H and I could be friends again too.

Then: H was angry, bitter and resentful.
Now: The anger and resentment are gone.

Then: H refused to go to counseling
Now: H has been going to IC for four months

Then: I had lost all contact with friends. I had no life, no hobbies.
Now: I take yoga every Wed night. I have reconnected with old friends. I have started making new friends. I have a social life. H used to complain that I had nothing to bring to the table, no where to invite him along with me. That is no longer the case.

Then: I snooped and was obsessed with finding out information regarding OW.
Now: I have stopped mentioning OW and have stopped snooping. I actually just completely got off FB because I realized that I was driving myself insane for no reason.

Then: I blamed H and could not see my role in the end of the M.
Now: I know what part I played in the end of the M. I also have come to realize that it is not all my fault. H and I both played a part. My part also did not excuse how my H acted and id not excuse his A.

Then: I was desperate to save my M.
Now: I acknowledge that my M ended years ago. I realize that I was letting fear of my marriage ending was holding me back. I am starting to let go because I am not trying to save something that cannot be saved. My biggest fear of my marriage ending already happened. Now I just need to move forward. I have stopped wearing my ring. However, I have not given up hope that I will start a new relationship with H.

Then: H and I wanted to kill each other.
Now: There is an undeniable, positive connection between us. It had been covered up by pain and anger and resentment, but I can see it is there. I am not sure what will happen, but it is definitely better than before.

I am so proud of my journey so far. I know that I have a long way to go. There have been a million bumps along the way, but I know that I am a better, stronger person today.

I still need to write down my goals for the next few weeks. But I am heading out to see a movie so I will have to work on that later.

[melissag]

3, I LOVE your list!!

Wow. Look at how far you have come.

I can totally empathize with that pain and desperation you felt in the early days - many of the items on the list apply to me, too. I am so glad that you have found a way up for air - not only to survive, but to thrive. I think that any newbies who read your post will surely see that there is hope and have the inspiration to hang in there and keep trucking along. I wish that I had seen your post in the first few weeks after BD!

You forgot one other - not to label your journey, but if I may -

Then: came to this board in desperate need of help
Now: offer support, inspiration and wise counsel to so many others in desperate need of help.

[bluesgal]

Mad because my comment didn't post to your thread!!

I wanted to tell you that I love your list. Just great. Reminds me of one that Melissa did a while back. This list will help you and others. I know that I can identify with it. Great job!

[3boymom]

I need to get my journey back on track. The holidays were nice, but I need to refocus. Here are goals for the next few days/weeks:

1. Continue to embrace the current state of my life. I have gone five days without my rings. I am getting used to the loss of my safety blanket.

2. If people ask, acknowledge that H and I are separated. I have thought that if we could just keep it a secret, we could get through this without people knowing. Except, we may never" get through this." I need to start living with this reality.

3. Be decisive. My H will say "what do you want to do." In an effort to be easy going, I always say "it does not matter to me." I know that it drives H crazy. I do have opinions and I need to start expressing them. I will live if I get shot down.

4. GAL. The next two months are crazy with birthdays, work trips for H and myself. I am hosting a baby shower, going on a ski weekend with the kids and my family. Should be fun and provide a good distraction to help with No. 1.

5. Eliminate the awkwardness with H during our time together. I have been so uptight worrying about what H thinks and if I am being a doormat, etc. For the moment, I am okay with family time. Now I just need to be myself and have a PMA.

[juliegayle]

I love your lists. Are they helping you stay focused on goals?

I have been thinking about the ring thing a lot. I love my rings but the M that they represent doesn't exist anymore. I am thinking of going to buy myself something pretty for my other hand to represent my commitment to myself and my integrity.

[3boymom]

LOVE that idea julie!! Maybe I will do the same thing My fingers feel so bear. Perfect reason to do a little shopping.

[AnotherStander]

3B, great lists, that's a tremendous amount of progress for only 6 months or so Keep it up! Just keep your expectations for H low low loooooow

[3boymom]

I am currently sitting in my car outside my house waiting for h to put the kisds to bed. I am normally good about keeping busy on H's night with the kids but is freezing here. And I am exhausted after a full day of work. It makes me so sad to look at the house H and I picked out and built together. The house we brought all three boys home from the hospital for the first time. A home with so many amazing memories. And it hurts to know that it may never be OUR home again. It is hard enough to say goodbye to my H and my best friend but I also have to say goodbye to all the dreams I had for us. Boo. I hate this.

I will give myself five minutes to have a pity party. Then I will put a smile on my face and go watch some trashy reality tv .